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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Tigereyes Offline
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I've completely screwed up... - February 3rd 2012, 03:40 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Triggering on self harm and abuse

A lot has been on my mind lately and I've become really depressed. I felt like everyone at school was ignoring me, and honestly, like I was completely invisible. I cried daily, and urges to self harm came back, stronger than ever, and I gave in a few times. With the connection between myself and my few best friends temporarily broken, I honestly felt all alone and didn't care what I did. I wanted the pain. I deserved it. And at least it made me feel alive instead of a ghost following my friends at school around.

Last semester at school sucked, and while this semester seems to be better, I am unnoticed in my classes. No one talks to me except one girl in math that's friends with another of my friends but we never get to talk much during that class. I ruined my straight A average from taking Spanish 3 because my teacher was basically a bitch. She reminded me of a coach that emotionally abused me a few years ago, and since I still see him abuse kids, I haven't forgotten. As of a few days ago, I finally decided to report him since I was extremely worried about one of his students who is 11 and like a little sister to me. She's so depressed and can't leave him and I'm worried that she will turn out worse than me. I had tried convincing my mom to report him for abuse but she kept saying not to get involved so I eventually told a teacher who reported it anonymously. I make the mistake of telling my best friend about this over facebook chat because somehow my mom found out even though I didn't want her to (she has never checke d my facebook account). Thsi happened today. She was disappointed that I didn't tell her but doesn't seem that mad. However, she had just talked to the girl's mom again about her coach being abusive and FINALLY after years, she listened. So now the people investigating may find nothing. And also, if the coach is found guilty, it's possible that a lot of people will guess I reported him and I could get in a lot of trouble (I'm a coach also, that's why). I think I really screwed up here.... I just hate myself.

And a few days ago, when I was feeling really down, this guy chatted me on facebook and told me I was pretty. I hardly know him but he kept complimenting me (he liked me and told me yesterday) and somehow that saved me from really hurting myself. He made me feel confident in myself so I liked that about him. I was really confused though because I didn't actually like him, just the fact that someone liked me for me, thought I was pretty (first time), and he actually seemed to care. I think I was just desperate for someone to be there for me because I was lonely so I kept talking to him. Tonight I told him I didn't like him back (as nicely as possible), and I really hope I didn't hurt his feelings too much. I should never have responded to him...

I don't know what this is even about. More of a rant I guess. Doubt anyone will take the time to read all this.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.
   
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Re: I've completely screwed up... - February 3rd 2012, 03:59 AM

I'm so sorry=(..First things first, if you ever want to talk about anything or just even have a new friend, i'm here. I know how some of that stuff is. I know what its like to feel awful after a big fight with a best friend. Its awful and I had thoughts of hurting myself too when I was fighting with mine. I never did it but the thoughts were there. Its cause those people are such a big part of your life. When best friends fight it hurts the worst. I know what its like to go unnoticed at school. A lot of people don't notice me, nor have they ever. I have a lot of people that know me and are polite to me, but that doesn't mean they always notice. I'm usually the last to get picked when we do partner work. If i'm by myself on the bench, everybody walks by but very few even wave. When we are in groups for group work, everyone usually talks to the other 3 people in our group and leave me out. Nobody sits at my table when i'm alone. Thats pretty normal stuff for me, but I know how that can hurt a lot. I always thought to myself how I never wanted anyone else to be in that situation. But I know it happens a lot to many people. I think its really great that you are helping your younger friend get help with her coach. You're a really good friend=) I hope everything goes well and that there's no trouble. Im also very glad for you for meeting that one boy who told you you were pretty=) Thats not something that happens everyday and it was very sweet of him to see you for exactly who you were and to care about you just for who you were. I think if you ever grew to like him, you should be together. He sounds like a keeper=) Anyways, do your very best not to SH. It makes things so much worse and really isn't a help to you at all=( Try doing things to distract yourself. Have you heard of the butterfly project? A lot of people have been talking about it. I haven't done it cause I don't SH but it may work for you. Remember, if you need anything, im here=)


   
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Re: I've completely screwed up... - February 8th 2012, 09:20 PM

Thank you so much. It helps just knowing that someone actually cares. What you describes basically describes exactly what it's like everyday for me now. I just don't know what to do anymore; I feel so lost, alone, and hopeless no matter what. I've managed not to self harm lately, and mainly thanks to starting the butterfly project which you suggested, although I tried using stars. I tried it once before with butterflies and it didn't really work for me, but for some reason the stars do.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.
   
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Re: I've completely screwed up... - February 9th 2012, 01:10 AM

Aww im really glad the stars have been working=) Thats really great. I know its a struggle, but you WILL get through this. I believe in you. Feel free to PM me anytime=)


   
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Re: I've completely screwed up... - February 10th 2012, 01:14 AM

Thank you. I might have to take you up on that offer soon based on how things have been going.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.
   
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Re: I've completely screwed up... - February 10th 2012, 01:17 AM

No problem, anytime hun=)


   
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Re: I've completely screwed up... - February 10th 2012, 02:50 AM

I know exactly how you feel, i'm going through something very similar. If you ever need anyone to talk to, i'm here, k?(:
   
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