I am suicidal, begging for help. (Please read.)

[KenworthsCoughdrop94]

I have posted here before, in the section.
And I am not sure where exactly I SHOULD post this, so if I am violating any rules I am truly sorry, because this is about self harm, bullying, eating disorder and suicide/depression, and I'm not sure what category to put this in?
This is similar to my last thread, but there is way more.

So I'll make most of this short and get on with the new things.
I've been severely bullied because I've been sexually active with 4 men, and they were my boyfriends.

I started cutting about a year ago, and started cutting extremely bad the last 6 months.

My insides feel dead, my soul feels shattered.
I feel alone.
I asked for therapy and my mother told me I have no problem and it's all my fault, even though I've tried to commit suicide 3 times. But she doesn't know that part, she just knows I've cut a couple times.

Now I'm half starving myself.
Well not half.
AM starving myself.
I feel in control, but I know it's just the beginning. I'm so terrified but I can't eat. I want to be tiny.
I've always had the "anorexic mind" I see one thing, and others see another.
But now I'm eating only 1 small meal every 10 hours and I made myself vomit a few days ago because I had ate to much.

My mother still won't help me.
I have no friends, but 2.
My boyfriend, and a 13 year old girl(my niece).

I know, I am underage, but I have abused alcohol to cope.
I've given myself alcohol poisoning sadly.
(parents don't know any of this.)

(I am Christian)
I was very religious when I was a child, and started losing faith at around age 12. At age 15 I tried to believe and I couldn't. I've lost God. I feel dead inside from everything. I'm trying to build my relationship back up, I'm begging for help and it doesn't feel like I am getting any at all. I have been having panic attacks all week, I've begged for help to self harm, I haven't but I want to so bad it's killing me inside.
I'm attending church later today, and I plan to from now on.
I'm hoping maybe, listening can help me through this since:
1. I cannot afford therapy on my own and,
2. my mother doesn't care to help me I guess.

Once I get confortable with this, should I talk to the preacher about all of this? Can he help me in any of this? As in to save me mentally and spriturally? I am scared to take my life, but I have attempted it because I feel alone. My boyfriend loves me, but I just.. I'm shattered inside. I want to cry, but tears don't fall out. Or should I leave somethings out? So I don't go to like jail, since I've illegally drank and ect.

I appriciate all your guy's opinions.
I haven't been here long, but I have asked some stuff before, and you guys really have helped.
I think this site and my boyfriend are the only reasons I've hung on this week.. <3

[minniemouseprincess]

I think going to church regularly again will do you some good. I also think you should go through with with telling your preacher about this. I think he will def. help you if your mother will not. Please don't take your life hun=( Your boyfriend and niece need you. And your mother does too, even if she has a odd way of showing it. Also what if someday, someone needs you to save their life so they don't SH or commit suicide? What if you were gone and because of that, they were not saved? Death effects more than one life. Another thing you could do to get help faster than if you waited to talk to your preacher is you could tell your boyfriend's parents. They would help you get help too. Really, just tell any adult. Teachers and councelers at school are required to help if something like this comes up. They can't ignore it. You can also talk to us anytime. Someday, things will be better. It just takes time to get to that someday. But that doesnt mean it will never happen. And always remember, every moment of your life, you are loved and cared for by someone. You may not know it, but you are.

[dantheman1992]

I agree with Julia's comment, (Minniemouseprincess).

I think going to church getting into thing you did before may help.

The first thing you have done is come for help which means you dont really want to die.. I'm not saying that in a mean way, thats why I'm on this site, I dont really want to die.
You clearly want help and are struggling to get it. I think the best way to get help for you, is to go to a teacher or counsellor at school as they cant refuse you. Over in England it is different we dont have to pay for treatment so there are different ways to go about it. Also have you looked up any help line numbers that maybe able to offer you help in your local area? if you need help with that please feel free to PM me and ill do my hardest to find the appropriate numbers for you.

If you plan to commit suicide stop for a second and go I will do this on this time next week, and if you still feel the same way then dont just go and do it, you have people to talk to on here come on here and I will try my best to help you any time of the day or night.

Please PM if you need me and it will come up in my emails and Ill come straight on. Your not the only one who feels like this there are plenty in your situation. I really do hope the best for yu and hope that things get better.. I'm sure they will. Like I said before feel free to PM me WHEN EVER

[simon thompson]

The elevated aim of doing more and speaking less will make you great.