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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Rambling how i feel - February 5th 2012, 10:54 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Well a few people have told me writing down my problems can be helpful so i thought id try it here, Now im not very good at expressing my feelings so this is either going to end of a list of problems or a ramble, not sure which yet but either way i am sorry for it as it has very little chance of looking like a well constructed post.

Where to start? A little bit about myself maybe
I'm 20, i live in Wales with my grandparents, used to like watching the football, video games and miniature war gaming. Not sure what else to add but if you do want to know anything else feel free to ask.

Now onto my problems,
I am 99% sure i have depression but have not seen a doctor yet, my appointment to see one is on the 27th of this month but im not sure if i should ring and request an emergency appointment because of how bad things are getting with me.

I can no longer get to sleep at nights meaning i am sleeping till very late in the day (3-5pm) which is annoying my nan as it means im not doing anything around the house of cooking dinner so we have not spoken in a week.
I have scoliosis which leaves me in constant pain with my back and leaves me feeling unable to work but i need to find a job, ive been un-employed for 2 years applying to anything i think im capable of but no luck so far which means i cant pay into the house hold so again nans mad at me for that. Ive also found out my nan is talking crap about me to my fiancée over facebook and has told her that she feels like kicking me out so there is a good chance if i dont get myself sorted ill be homeless as well soon.

The reason im living here is because my mom had 5 kids and as soon as they turn 16 she stops giving a dam. On my 16th she started forceful taking rent my going to my boss at the time taking about 85% of my pay check then refusing me any food in the house so i got down to what my nan and partner called dangerously thin. Since living with my nan i have gone up to a healthy weight but lately i have not been having dinner as she wants it over and done with my 1-2pm and i just cant get up, so i fear i will go down in weight again.

Im not enjoying anything any more, i never have the inspiration to paint my models, cant be bothered watching football or TV and lately dont want to be on the xbox but force myself trying to enjoy something, thats been reflected by how badly ive been doing lately so im going on and losing against the computer on easy which would never happen before. Ive been on TH chat and get a few giggles from the convos on there but the feeling doesnt last.

I have started cutting myself again trying to get that good feeling i used to get from it when i did it 4 years ago, although i hate the scars all over my body i feel so low i feel i need it now so have been doing little cuts but its not helping and not giving me that good feeling i was after. Im looking at sharper knives thinking if i went deeper it would give me that feeling but so far have controlled it getting too bad.

I have suicidal thoughts every day now and have thought about different methods thinking "i could do that" but have not got a plan set in stone as of yet. I just no longer feel i want to live. all i do is float through life, i no longer enjoy anything and all i seem to do is upset people or make them angry at me.

I have not spoken to anyone outside of TH about this as i dont want to worry them and know im not good at showing how i feel.

Not really sure what to add other then sorry to who ever did sit through that ramble and sorry to those from the site who tried helping me control my urges to not SH as i failed


How should i get out of this situation as im sure all of you will tell me not to do it the way im thinking of? lol


Edit:
Ive also got problems with my fiancee, to keep a long story short she was living with her mum abusing her, i spent nearly 3 years trying to get her to leave which she has now. Now she is in refugee and constantly bitching at me about how rubbish it is there, im giving her any money i have for her to have food and stuff. When she does visit which hasnt been for awhile due to the problems with my nan as im in her house i dont feel i can talk to her about whats going on and im dreeding her seeing that i have started SH again, any advice to hide it?
And also because of all this my sex drive is gone, when she wants it she wont take no for an answer as i wont explain why so i have to cause a row for her to leave me alone. Will this get better as/if i do?
Everything else going wrong between us will be posted in another thread at a later date but im just trying to handle one thing at a time right now.

Last edited by DiafolEternal; February 6th 2012 at 12:41 AM.
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 5th 2012, 11:27 PM

Yes, we are all going to tell you that, obviously . Don't kill yourself. Though you seem like you're not at the point of actually doing it, hopefully-- I have those same kind of thoughts but not to the extent that I would actually tie a noose and hang myself, at least not yet. I know from personal experience that it's really hard to tell people about your depression, but I think you really need help. It certainly sounds like you have depression, but you can work toward making it go away. It will be worth it, you can be happy again but you have to do something about it. I'm currently on Prozac and in therapy and right now I'm still the same depressed cutter I was, but I'm supposed to start feeling better soon, which at least gives me hope... I really want you to have that too. And if you can't tell someone right now, please keep yourself safe. Try to realize that the suicidal thoughts are just depression messing with your mind, twisting and distorting your view of the world, and it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your life is worth so much more than your depression, so don't let it kill you.


You believe there's somewhere else
Where it's easier than this
And you see outside yourself
And you buy the hole you'll fill
-Foo Fighters
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 5th 2012, 11:58 PM

That is a lot to have going on. If you feel that you need an appointment, please ask for an earlier one. You can also ask to be slipped in just incase there is a cancellation. When you do have your appointment, talk to your doctor not only about how you are feeling, but about your scoliosis as well. They may be able to point you in the right direction as to what work you are suited for.

It sounds like your body has gotten used to not sleeping at night, and sleeping in as a method of compensation. It will be hard, but you can always try setting an alarm and forcing yourself to get up earlier in the morning. This may help force your body to sleep at night.

There are many ways to stop self injuring if you want to stop. The Adolescent Self Injury Foundation webiste has a list of things you can do to distract from self injury should you desire to stop. Don't kill yourself. It's scary, but talk to your nan or someone
trust if you can't get an earlier appointment. There are also crisis lines that you can just just in case. No one wants you to die.

Stay strong, and PM me if you would like to talk some more.


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And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour."
William Blake - Auguries of Innocence
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 6th 2012, 12:34 AM

I am typing in red (so long as the BB code works) to make it easyer to read and so i can comment on more of the post and not just the jist of it.



Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicIsEverything View Post
Yes, we are all going to tell you that, obviously . Don't kill yourself. Though you seem like you're not at the point of actually doing it, hopefully--Nope not quite there yet but i do feel as if anything else goes wrong i will I have those same kind of thoughts but not to the extent that I would actually tie a noose and hang myself, at least not yet. I know from personal experience that it's really hard to tell people about your depression, but I think you really need help. It certainly sounds like you have depression, but you can work toward making it go away. It will be worth it, you can be happy again but you have to do something about it.I know i do and have been trying thats why i booked the appointment in the first place but i just dont know what else i can do yet I'm currently on Prozac and in therapy and right now I'm still the same depressed cutter I was, but I'm supposed to start feeling better soon, which at least gives me hope...I hope they do work out for you, Let me know if they do then hopefully it will be me hope I really want you to have that too. And if you can't tell someone right now, please keep yourself safe. Try to realize that the suicidal thoughts are just depression messing with your mind, twisting and distorting your view of the world, and it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your life is worth so much more than your depression, so don't let it kill you.I am doing my best i promise, just with me starting self harm again lately i feel like im fighting a losing battle


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bridghid View Post
That is a lot to have going on. If you feel that you need an appointment, please ask for an earlier one. You can also ask to be slipped in just incase there is a cancellation. When you do have your appointment, talk to your doctor not only about how you are feeling, but about your scoliosis as well. They may be able to point you in the right direction as to what work you are suited for.So long as i can get up early enough tomorrow ill ring and ask for an emergancy appointment. And i have asked that before but they dont seem to care, as it is i was due for steroid injections last september and everytime i ring about it i just get told they will get a letter sent out to me soon

It sounds like your body has gotten used to not sleeping at night, and sleeping in as a method of compensation. It will be hard, but you can always try setting an alarm and forcing yourself to get up earlier in the morning. This may help force your body to sleep at night.I currently have 1 alarm clock, my house phone set to ring and the alarm on 2 mobile phones and i just turn them all off waking up and not knowing ive done it

There are many ways to stop self injuring if you want to stop. The Adolescent Self Injury Foundation webiste has a list of things you can do to distract from self injury should you desire to stop. Don't kill yourself.Ill check that site out tomorrow as im going to try going to bed alot earlyer tonight, its 1:30am now so if i can get to sleep it will be the earlyest ive gotten to sleep in a good while It's scary, but talk to your nan or someone
trust if you can't get an earlier appointment.I dont feel as tho i can talk to her at all, especially not about this There are also crisis lines that you can just just in case. No one wants you to die.What sorta things do the crisis lines say or do? Do you have any examples of what the UK numbers or websites are anything like that? And thank you

Stay strong, and PM me if you would like to talk some more.Ill try and i will, thank you
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 6th 2012, 01:04 AM

Going by the location listed, you can try http://www.samaritans.org/. On that site, they have a phone number listed as well as branch listing if you want to talk in person. Crisis lines (at least the ones I have worked for) are mainly there to listen, and to connect you with services in your area that are specific to your needs. They are there to listen to what you need to talk about and provide as much support as they are able.

It doesn't sound as if your doctor is helping much. Is it possible to make an appointment with a new doctor?

If you don't feel that you can talk to your nan, can you talk to a friend? A problem shared is often a problem halved, and just having the unconditional support of a friend near you can help sometimes.

Please let me know how you are doing. Take care and stay strong.


"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour."
William Blake - Auguries of Innocence
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 6th 2012, 01:12 AM

It doesn't sound like your fiance is being that great to you in general. From what I gathered from what I read, you are doing a lot for her, but she isn't giving back to you. She doesn't sound very grateful for all your help and for that, I think you should talk to her. You shouldn't be with someone who treats you like crap. I'm sure you love her, but maybe this isn't the right kind of love. I think she should be better to you and doesn't deserve all that you've done. This my opinion though and obviously its not my life. But I do think you should talk to her about how she's acted. Moving on, since you aren't doing so good, I think you may want to consiture seeing your doctor earlier than the 27th. I want to say though its great that you are making an effort to see someone, thats really wonderful. It takes some people a lot of time to get up the courage to talk to someone about stuff like this. I think seeing your doctor will help you a great deal. Like someone else said too, hotlines/crisis numbers are another thing you could try if you get really bad. I haven't used one so I can't really say what they are like, but its basically like a therapist over the phone I think.


   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 6th 2012, 01:29 AM

Hey red. I knew that you were depressed but not to this extent man. It's so hard to tell because you seem like you are having fun when we play forza.

I'm with what everyone is saying up there. You should ring for emergency appointment and see the earliest they can get you in. I really hope they can man, because I hate seeing you in pain and struggling to make it through the day.

As for the the self harm, I don't know too much about it but I know it can't be that good for your body. Just know I'm here for you if you need me man, we don't have to talk about forza 24/7 bud, just open up and I'll help as best as I can.

Just know we love ya and we are here for you.
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 8th 2012, 01:38 PM

I will look on that site Bridghid. About this doctor i have never even seen him/her in the 2 years i have been registered but my nan says the doctors are brilliant there once you manage to get seen so ill stick to this one for now. And i have started talking to my nan (not about this) again but i know shes still mad at me as other then yesterday i still have not been able to bring myself to climb out of bed until the PM.


@Minnie
I do love her alot and im really confused on it all with her, she does expect alot from me and without me saying a word will start crying saying she is sorry for treating me so badly and it wont happen again, rinse and repeat every month or two.

I am considering requesting an emergency appointment to try and get in sooner. Just when ever i go to ring i keep telling myself nah you dont need to, you will be ok. It took alot of help from robbie and a few others in chat for me to make the appointment in the first place to be honest but i have not mentioned to the doc what its for, just that i need one.

@robbie
Mate dont get me wrong being on forza with you and the club is fun, i do still find it amusing but i still need to force myself to get online before id be online ages before getting ready, and am alot quieter then i was even last month to be honest. Used to have everyone telling me i talk to much now as you heard for yourself i dont say much. As said in my first post im doing worse then before, i havnt had a race i have not made a mistake and taken someone out. I just get into my racing lines or get the breaking right. Yesterday my eyes went funny too and no idea why.
And i know we dont need to mate, thats just what i seem to do alot is talk about a game or a hobby. With you its mainly forza, with my dad i speak about very little other then warhammer, fiancee i speak about very little at all as we dont really share a hobby so our convos are telling each other to pick something to talk about lol
Anyway im rambling again but thank you, good to know you are there for me (hug)
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 9th 2012, 12:26 AM

Bit of an update

Well i started talking to my fiancee about it all today, not saying about me just the topic in general just to find out how she feels about it
She said her support workers (because she is in refuge) want her to go see a doc about depression and anxiety, so i asked her if shes going to and if she is willing to try medication and therapy or anything else the doc suggests and she just started saying no she refuses to see a doc as she has anti-depressiants before and she refuses to have them again as they made her numb instead of happy and feels like if she has help for it she is a crazy person.
So i asked her if she would still love me if i was on them and although she said yea she did say she would remind me im crazy quite often so i don't forget. This wasn't said jokingly as its the reason she is refusing to see a doc now in case they think she is crazy.
So not sure what to do about it now, i'm dreading her coming down and seeing fresh cuts as it is and have been trying to think of excuses for them or plans to hide them but no luck so far.
So not sure what to do now, do i tell her or pray i can think of an excuse before hand?

Anyone else have any experience telling their other half about similar things? how did they re-act?


Edit:
I still have not rang and asked for an earlier appointment yet, I'm dreading saying how i feel out loud, its only recently ive been able to come to grips with the fact i do need help and started typing them here. As it is my appointment is booked with the doctors having no idea what its for and i dont know what to say when i do see the doctor or what to expect. People i have spoken to on chat tell me they wont lock me up or declare me as dangerous to myself and force me into anything but i still get nightmares of that happening and me spending years in a padded room.


Tho i seem to be having 2 recurring nightmares every night lately, the one posted above. And the other one which will be coloured white as it may be triggering to some people so highlight to read.
The dream starts out same way my day does, but this time i finally get the courage to end it all, i re-search where the local train tracks are at a section not near a station so the train is going at speed. I get up write out a quick note saying i cant do this any more, i am going to live in another country and to tell whoever reads it to sell all my stuff to raise funds to pay my nan to show even tho we didnt always get along im glad she took me in. I leave everything on my desk other then my tobacco. I go to the spot i picked sit down and smoke until i hear/see a train, then i stand up and run straight at it. I leap head first to hit the train and do. I wake up in a hospital room alone and not able to move from the neck down. I start telling everyone i see to finish the job but no one will. No one pays any attention to me and i am left in a state unable to do anything about it.

I dont really know why i typed all that out, im not even sure what desired out come i want from typing it i just felt the need to write it down somewhere hoping it would make me feel better. It has not so far.

Does anyone else have nightmares about SH and suicide?
Its annoying me, i have these thoughts running through my mind all day long and even when im ment to be peacefully asleep i still get them. As a result i am sleeping very restlessly. According to my partner i do attack her in my sleep, not sure why i do it. She says i kick and punch her and one time even sat up, said F*ck you and punched her in the face. Woke up the next morning and seen her and i just asked WTF happened, she told me and i just burst out crying saying sorry over and over. Anyway back on topic, most days i am sleeping 12 hours and just dont get that rested, good, awake feeling and have not had that for many months.

Does anyone have any advice on how to sleep better with this kind of thing happening or should i just explain to my doctor when i do manage to get in to talk to him about it?


Again thank you to anyone who has just read through a very long post of my brain having diarrhoea being unable to stop.
Maybe i should start a blog, a blog is basicly a diary kept online and shown to the public isnt it?
Anyway enough rambling for now. Sorry again to anyone who suffered through reading all that lol

Last edited by DiafolEternal; February 9th 2012 at 12:47 AM. Reason: extra info
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 9th 2012, 01:14 AM

Ccall the doctor for a emergency appontment. If you are doing REALLY bad like I said, you gotta do it. Its a matter of your life. It sounds worse than it is (the talking about your problems stuff). Once you get there and actually sit down and talk to him, you'll feel better. And you never need to say anything you don't want to. I think your doctor will make that clear when you go.


   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 9th 2012, 01:26 AM

I know i need to its just i have always been bad at expressing how i feel so the thought of this does terrify me. I promise i will try tho.
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 9th 2012, 01:51 AM

good. Like I said, it just seems really bad and scary right now. But once you've been going for a while, it wont be bad.


   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 9th 2012, 03:08 PM

I did ring up a two or three times today but it was engaged every time so ill try again tomorrow
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 9th 2012, 04:07 PM

Maybe it would be easier for you if you copied out what you have written on here? That way you dont have to say it out loud when you do have your appointment
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 9th 2012, 04:08 PM

What like just printed it off and showed the doc? after tidying it all up of course cuz i know i ramble lol
Will they let me do that? :O
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 10th 2012, 12:58 AM

Sure, I don't see why not. You may have to explain some of it in better detail but they would have a good idea of whats happening from your written post, yes.


   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 11th 2012, 12:30 AM

I think that's a great idea, printing it out and showing the doctor the list. Then if he/she has anymore questions about what he/she read, than he/she can ask you more about it Never thought about that.
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 11th 2012, 12:42 AM

Im defiantly considering it, just gotta work out what parts to put in and whats just random crap that he doesnt need to read.
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 11th 2012, 01:30 PM

Maybe print one copy off and then just scribble all over it, and then rewrite it? They will definately let you do this.
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 11th 2012, 07:47 PM

Still nothing with the docs yet but i think my partner is finally catching on that im not ok. She wants to meet up and talk so we can work through it together and that i need to open up to her more.
Although i think its because shes starting to accept the fact she has depression more then anything ive said or done tho as i havnt done anything different for a few months.
   
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Re: Rambling how i feel - February 12th 2012, 08:25 PM

In terms of your partner i'd say just go with the flow for the moment. I think the main thing is to speak to your doctor as soon as possible. Let us know how it goes and if anyone can help you further
   
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