Wanting some support and/or advice

[moffittn]

First of all, sorry if this is a little long. I feel like I need to get a lot off my chest and maybe it'll do some good.

I come from a mostly mental/emotionally abusive home, once or twice physically abusive. Because of this, I have been depressed almost my whole life. When I turned 18, I left the house, and since then I haven't talked to my family.

One of the few people I do trust and who has been by my side throughout all of this is my boyfriend. I love him so much and I know he loves me. Although he hasn't proposed yet, I know in my heart that he is going to; I currently have a promise ring from him and we live together. Stemming from the abuse from my mom I have a lot of insecurities. Little things that he says will sometimes feel like attacks towards me and I get defensive. I cry a lot. There will be nights where I break down for no obvious reason and just cry and shake. He tries to comfort me, but I know that it's hard. He's tried so many ways to try to calm me down, but sometimes none of those work and I just have to cry for four or five hours until I'm done. Lately we've had some arguments while I'm in one of my break downs. I already have the tendancy to think that everything is my fault and that I'm a horrible person, and when he gets frustrated that he can't calm me down after a couple hours it is almost overbearing that I'm hurting the one person who truly cares about and for me. These breakdowns always happen as we're going to bed, and I know from experience that my depression worsens when I'm tired and/or hungry.

I also suffer from anxiety, which has gotten better lately, but stress is a also a big trigger of my break downs. Because of my anxiety I always like to plan things out and panic when things don't go according to plan. My boyfriend likes sponteneity, and although we both understand each other, it can be hard when something comes up to change the planned schedule.

So here's some questions I want to ask anyone who'll answer:
What would be a good way for me to calm down/my boyfriend help me calm down when I break down?
I know I plan too much and I don't want to stress all the time, any tips on how to help this?
Any advice in general?

Any response will help me. I am mostly just looking for support as I feel alone outside of my boyfriend. I don't really have friends outside of his friends and just really needed an outlet.
Thank you.

[Bridghid]

I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with all that, and as such I am glad that you found your boyfriend whom you find supports you. It can be hard for him to understand everything even if he knows. Empathy is hard sometimes. It sounds as if you can talk to him, so have you tried talking about how you feel sometimes? He may not mean things the way they come out (as do we all I'm sure), and maybe you can help by telling him what not to say?

Have you ever tried talking to a counselor or your doctor? They may be able to give you more strategies and another outlet. For stress, there is a book called the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook - you can find it in pretty much any book store or look at it in the library first if you would like. It has some really good techniques in it.

I hope you are doing okay. Please feel free to message me anytime. You aren't alone. Ever.

[minniemouseprincess]

You can talk to me anytime first of all=) Even if you want just a new friend, im here=) I can def. relate on the anxiety stuff (the wanting things just so and getting upset when they aren't) and also partly the breakdowns. Im a highly sensative person and when someone hurts me or if I hurt them, I break down. I will cry and cry and cry and whatever it is REALLY isnt that bad. But like you, I will feel like im some horrible person, that I knew better, and I could have done better. Was feeling like that with both things yesterday actually lol. I know, its really hard. I don't know how much advice I can offer since I suffer from both things too and don't know how to fix them really. The only thing you can do is just try to be calmer about it. When plans get changed think to yourself "Okay this is just a one time thing..Maybe it will be better this way" and take a deep breath. With the other thing, try not to let yourself fall so far. Stop yourself before you get to that point by maybe leaving the room and doing something else for a while till things cool down. Do you think it would be better for you to talk to someone about both issues? A therapist or someone? Maybe they'd be able to help you think of some strategies and stuff.

[moffittn]

Thank you so much both of you. Knowing I am not alone has helped, even if only for the time being. I have been to a counselor once and it didn't really help, I was on medication for a couple of months as well, but couldn't afford to continue it. I tell my boyfriend everything and I know he really tries to help but its hard to always know the right thing to say.

I know I should try to go back to counseling or something, but its scary to think about. Its hard for me to leave my house on a day to day basis to go to school, and the thought of having to leave my "safe place" to talk to someone about my depression and everything seems almost impossible in my mind.

[minniemouseprincess]

Hmm sometimes certain councelers are not right for certain people. It sometimes takes a while to find the one that is right for you and helps you as much as you need. Would it make you feel better if maybe your bf came with you to counceling?

[moffittn]

Yes, and he has suggested it. It might be easier to open up to someone else if he is there as well.

[minniemouseprincess]

You should try that then=)