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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 9th 2012, 02:57 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

this is the real me. take me as i am, or not at all.

i'm not perfect. i'm well aware of that. when people tell me i'm perfect, i shake my head, because i know i'm not. i get told i'm 'so pretty' and such, but i know they say that because i'm they're friend.

did you know, that more than 90 percent of the time this girl says " i'm okay " she is lying, for two reasons.
one, she wants to know if you care enough to see the lies.
two, she's scared.

hello. on the outside, i seem like a girl who is overly obsessed with music and hoodies. yes, thats true. but theres a reason.
i wear my hoodies because it hides the pain i cause myself.
i listen to my music because it allows me to hide from the world, and myself.

everyday, i keep my blade in my pencil case. i go to my pencil case so much, it's not even funny. but i try my best to restrain myself. just i go to the bathroom half the time to try and get some relief, but i don't, because i think of people that i care about.

sometimes, thinkin about them doesn't work. but when it does, it's for the best.

did you know it fucking sucks wearing a hoodie when sprinting up and down playing basketball, and you have to keep pulling the sleeves down because someone might see?
my friend convinced me to take my hoodie off for a while, but that didn't last long, because honestly, i was just too scared, seeing as they are very visible.
also, i think the friend that got me to take my hoodie off is glad she self harms at times. like, she kept showing off about it and everything, but thats not the point.

currently, i am suffer post-traumatic stress, post-traumatic depression, and just regular depression. i have suicidal thoughts, i self harm [ burn, cut & scratch }. i most likely have adhd & am bi-polar, though they aren't diagonosed, i have all the symptoms. i starve myself, and i used to be bullimic.

i've been bullied for as long as i can remember, it's not even funny. anything about bullying makes me burst into tears. my so called 'best friend' started rumors about me that i was a murderer, and sadly, people believed her. i began to self harm, only scratching, because i didn't know how bad it was. i lost more friends, and my skin would have scars from blood from my nails. worst part, my nails were practically nubs. nobody knew. nobody at all. it was all my little secret. my school continued to bully me, and it got even worse when i sung infront of my school because it was my passion at the time. suicidal thoughts began, and i slowly began breaking. falling to pieces. i sort of began to turn gothic. i used to love pinks, now i'll cover my eyes at the color. then, i moved countries for certain reasons that made me continue to consider suicide. then, on my first day at my new school, rumors started. rumors that i was a lesbian, which were not true. those were sorted out, then over summer i created a 'great friend' her and i were so close. she was the first person i told one of my secrets, that i will post later in this set. then, after summer, she became a bully to me. almost broke my wrist, screamed at me in the middle of class, and i hated it. couldn't stand it. i'm still breaking now. i consider suicide, i self harm, and i just want to disappear. if i could, i'd go back in time. stop myself from making my mistakes. i've got people that are so close to me, and people that i wish i had with me. i cry myself to sleep at times, and i can't stand it. i don't want to be like this. honestly, who would?

three people in real life know about my self-harm. none about my suicide thoughts, and quite a few about this next part of me.

my mind, haunts me. honestly. i choose not to sleep, because thats when it affects me. but what is it? in my mind, it's all death. my mind is such a god damn dark place, you'd be terrified. my mind... it tells me people are dead. not only does it tell me, but i also see it. i've seen my best friend kill themself, in my head. i've seen my parents die. in my head. it makes me feel insane. really, i am.

last week, i fell to the ground in sobs. that was one of my worst days. my wrists bled, and i cried. it was horrible.

A few days ago, i was going to commit suicide. i was walking along, and i was just going to run infront of a car, before it could stop. why didn't i do it? i have no clue.

what i'm really trying to do here, is show people that i'm not infact okay. i'm not infact that girl i seem to be.

there is so much more to me than there is that i said on this thread.
so much that i'm scared to even to talk about.

if /anyone/ says, " oh, thats so horrible! " or, " you really need to stop! " or anything along those lines, i will HONESTLY slap you silly.
i'm so weak, it's not even funny.


i'm scared really. i'm so terrified, of myself.
one day, something wont be enough. i'll be too weak



~ save me from myself
   
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Re: this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 9th 2012, 03:06 AM

*hugs* youre amazing for surviving that
   
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Re: this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 9th 2012, 03:37 AM

I hate bullying... makes me feel like shit.
   
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Re: this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 9th 2012, 03:39 AM

Wow...You remind me of one of my friends that I love a lot. She is a SHer too...And she's attempted suicide at least twice in her life. I'm glad you never have. Its a terrible, terrible thing to go through and you've been through so much already. I'm very sorry this has happened to you for so long. Like the poster above me said, you are freakin' amazing for withstanding all of it. And if you can this far, you can for always. It may not seem like it because things are so hard now, but I honestly know you can. I believe in you. A stranger who has never seen you or met you before but has only read one post of yours believes in you, yes. I'm sure a lot of other people believe in you too. Anyone thats been through this amount of pain is not weak in any way. I couldn't handle that kind of pain. I can't imagine me trying. I see friends go through it and it hurts terribly to watch them. But I try my very best and put my all into helping them. I can relate to some of this in some way partly because of past friendship experiences and also i've had suicidal thoughts as well. Also, I think of death a lot. I have since...gosh...I was young. I think a year younger than you. But just recently like about 2 years ago, I started getting bad and terrifying thoughts like you described. The ones like seeing your friends hurt themselves or your family getting hurt. I've had those too. They ARE scary. Since i've had them for 2 years, sometimes I don't get bothered by them just because i've had them a lot for so long. But there's still times when I get very nervous and upset over them. This may be a bit of comfort to you though, i've talked to people about having them and I am told its a form of OCD and anxiety. These thoughts are other ways that anxiety is basically manifesting itself. These thoughts won't come true, nothing comes of them. They are just horrible pictures we create basically. The ways i've been told to stop them from happening is to tell yourself to stop thinking of it or to distract yourself with another thought. It IS hard to do and sometimes I can't, but usually I can. And I bet you can too. As for the other things, its a VERY good sign that you don't want to be the way you are right now. Its also a VERY good sign that you posted here because that does mean deep down that you want help and you have some hope that you'll get better. I'm proud of your for both those things. The only way to get the help you need at this point though is to tell someone that can help you. That means some adult like a parent, counceler, or teacher. When you do this, you don't have to tell them everything. I would basically just go up to one of them and go "I need help, can you help me?" when they ask what's wrong just say that you are feeling really depressed and need to talk to someone about it. You don't need to get into the details. Even if you go to therapy, its confidential AND you never have to say anything you don't want to. You could sit there and do nothing the whole time, seriously. They won't make you do anything. I can understand how it would be scary to get help with this because i'd be scared too. But I think its come to the point where you can't do this alone and that this would REALLY help you. Please don't take your life. You are SO young, haven't even begun to live yet. I think by the time you're my age, you'll be a lot happier and your life will have changed also. It won't stay the same. My life hasn't been the same it was when I was 13. Your family and friends love you so much, believe me. Live for not only them, but also yourself. What if also in the future, you were meant to save someone's life? What if you were not there to save them? See, not that many people realise that death can alter more than 1 life. Anyways, things WILL get better someday. Nobody could say when, but I know in time, things will change. And I want you to know one last thing, every moment of your life, weather you know it or not, someone cares about you and loves you. You are never alone, ever. If you ever need to talk, you can PM me.


   
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Re: this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 9th 2012, 03:49 AM

what minniemouseprincess said IS SOO TRUE. Depression makes us feel like dieing its the depression NOT YOU. Depression makes us look at the world as dark and not fun. Look into seeing a therapist please and maybe getting on a antidepressant. Meds can be scary at first I know but they also can really help. Meds can make you feel happy again and not like dieing. Tell your parents how your feeling trust me I know I was scared to tell my parents I was depressed. Once I told them it was no big deal. Look into going into in patient if your suicidal. In, in patient they can help you on some meds and get stable. I have been in in patient it helps and does not mean your crazy. Huggsss
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Re: this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 9th 2012, 03:51 AM

Julia: I've got this one teacher, and I know I can trust her. She knows the things I see, but thats it. One of my friends is telling me I should talk to her, 'cause she is very trustworthy, then another says no, because apparently, she's just my teacher, she doesn't actually care, and she doesn't deserve to know. None of my real life friends know I was going to kill myself, and three know I cut, but thats it.

I'm scared.


i feel so weak.
probably because i am.

I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,
But I really need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
-Adam Lambert
   
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Re: this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 9th 2012, 03:56 AM

Lauri: I'm scared to tell my parents, because I even cut once because I failed my first test ever, getting a 3/15, on maths, which used to be my best subject. My parents think I'm some sort of golden child that gets great grades and is so amazing with everything, and I just don't want to disappoint them. I'm going to a group counsellor, but I'm scared to say anything about my cutting / suicide thoughts, because I don't want them to find out. Next time I go, I'm gonna be seeing if I can get some private sessions sort of thing.
   
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Re: this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 9th 2012, 03:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheGirlWithScars View Post
Julia: I've got this one teacher, and I know I can trust her. She knows the things I see, but thats it. One of my friends is telling me I should talk to her, 'cause she is very trustworthy, then another says no, because apparently, she's just my teacher, she doesn't actually care, and she doesn't deserve to know. None of my real life friends know I was going to kill myself, and three know I cut, but thats it.

I'm scared.
Teachers DO care. If they didn't, they wouldn't be teachers.
   
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Re: this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 9th 2012, 04:13 AM

Girlwithscare you do NOT have to be perfect. No one is perfect. Im sure your parents love you know matter what. Im so glad your going to group therapy. First time you go its okay to just listen and not talk. When you go more times and feel more comfortable talk so they can help you. Well your parents already know your going to group so it should not be that hard talking to them.

If you trust this teacher and think she really cares then dont be scared to talk to her about how you feel.
Tell your parents what your sad about so they can help you and comfort you. Yes great idea ask for individual therapy. I have been in therapy before and I have been in in patient before. I have also cut too and I know its hard to open up about that. Once you let go of the secret (cutting) you let go of the shame. If you need to go in, in patient to get you stable that would be a good idea to keep you safe and get you well. You are NOT alone. If you let your parents in then you wont feel so alone. You dont have to do this alone you have us and you have your parents. Your parents love you no matter what they wont hate you or love you any less if you tell them why your sad and that you want to see a therapist. First step in healing is asking for help and you are doing that. Great Job.
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Re: this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 9th 2012, 04:27 AM

I think its great you have a teacher you trust that much. And i'd say, go for it. Go ahead and tell her, I think thats the best thing you can do right now. Don't listen to your friend that says she doesn't really care. Your teacher does care. If she didn't, she wouldn't have been there for you those other times. And getting some private sessions with your counceler would also be great for you. Don't feel bad about telling your parents or anything, like Lauri said, nobody is perfect. Nobody CAN be perfect, its impossible. Your parents love you no matter what. And they too know you aren't perfect. They think your perfect, but thats because you are their daughter. But every parent thinks that=)


   
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Re: this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 12th 2012, 06:58 AM

Thanks guys...

I just wish there was some way to fix it all.


i feel so weak.
probably because i am.

I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,
But I really need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
-Adam Lambert
   
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Re: this is the real me.. take me as i am, or not at all... - February 13th 2012, 04:08 AM

Things will get fixed, yes. But first, you gotta make it get fixed. Have you told your teacher yet?


   
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