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is it worth it? - February 13th 2012, 06:12 AM

I apologize ahead of time, this is probably going to be quite long.

Once upon a time, I was 11 years old. I was mormon, loved young women, and taekwondo...and I thought I began falling for this boy. When I was 12 I had my first kiss from the same boy, and I had the responsibility of calling him my boyfriend. I had to sneak around my parents, something at that time I was not used to...
The summer before 7th grade I met my best friend. She had an older brother... I cheated on my boyfriend a couple times, and with this boy was the first. He was my first make out, and eventually we ended up on the floor, with nothing between our bodies but my panties and his boxers. We got this far a couple of times, until my friend found out and stopped it.
Shortly after I turned 13, my parents discovered my "secret" boyfriend, and tried to force us to break up. This was when I realized my parents had no control over me at all. I told them we did, and the lying continued through my 2 week complete grounding.
When I was almost 14, my boyfriend decided he was tired of my childishness, and called me to break up with me. He had already quit taekwondo, so it was rare that I got to see him. He was at the movies with his current girlfriend that night. I was of course devastated; I thought I was losing my one and only love.
We had decided to stay friends, and on April first of 2010, my grandma had something go wrong with her. She had aplastic anemia, and the doctors werent sure how severe. I was terrified of losing her, and called the only person I knew of that could help. His girlfriends dad answered, and let me know that my ex never wanted to talk to me again. I started to become depressed... life just wasnt good anymore.
One night I was feeling so bad, I was deeply considering killing myself. My friend called my ex and told him what he had done to me, and how he destroyed me. He asked his mom to call my parents, to make sure I was safe. When my friend thanked him, he replied "I don't give a fuck if she kills herself. It wouldnt matter. I just don't want to suffer from her stupidity" or something similar..
I decided dying would be the easy way out, and I wasnt going to let myself do that. Instead I slowly became numb. Nothing made me mad, sad, happy... I was never hungry, and things that I loved to do seemed pointless. I started to hurt myself to try and feel something...
I met a boy at the beginning of my freshman year. I thought I might really be in love... 10 10 10 he told me he loved me, and 12 5 10 he asked me to marry him. I thought I might be happy again. But we had problems, a lot of them. I felt mentally abused by him, and yet I thought it was somehow my fault. I continued cutting, and he just got mad at me, and threatened to leave me.
We finally broke up on december 22, 2011. I felt good about that decision, and was determined to get my life back.
My best friend of 5 years, is amazing. We have never fought, and he has healed me. I feel again... but I am beginning to wonder if this is really better?
When I was numb, I was oblivious to the pain taken in every day. I was a good actor, so everyone thought I was just happy, all the time. It didnt stop them from trying to bring me down and it still doesnt. I feel anger, and stress, and constant frustration... i despise it, but I don't know how to escape it.. Today is over, and tomorrow is never going to come. There is no good without the bad. Is it worth it?


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Re: is it worth it? - February 13th 2012, 03:47 PM

hope you're okay lovely. ive just read through your post and it bought tears to my eyes i feel for you so much, your situation is one of deep hurt and emotional pain.. all i can say is hold on and keep strong. you've gotten through a lot. don't let anyone hold you back. do what you want to do. and keep hold of your friend of 5 years. hopefully soon things will start to change. wish i could do something to help. im always here if you wanna talk xx
   
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Re: is it worth it? - February 13th 2012, 05:55 PM

Thank you very much for taking the time to read that


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Re: is it worth it? - February 14th 2012, 01:39 AM

Im sorry babe=( Thats a terrible situation to deal with. You have had so much heartbreak in your life already. I think its wonderful that you have such a great best friend who takes care of you and makes sure you are okay. But you need more hun. You need a lot more help than he can offer you. Friends can only do so much for us. I think now, you need to see a professional. I don't know how severe your SH is. If you do it quite often, I would say look into seeing a therapist once a week. If its not as frequent, maybe try for once every few weeks. Please don't give up on yourself though and on your life. When you give up, you lose everything. There's always time in our lives for our lives to get better. It may take a long time, but that doesn't mean nothing will ever change. I bet in 5 years time, your life will be different than it is now. Maybe in even 2 years, or 1. A lot can happen. And please, remember that every moment of your life forever, someone loves you. You may not know who, but someone does love you and care. You are never alone.


   
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Re: is it worth it? - February 15th 2012, 07:17 AM

I tried going to my mom for my depression once, asked if she could take me to see someone. She said it was just a silly teen phase and I would get over it.


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Re: is it worth it? - February 15th 2012, 01:36 PM

you need to talk to her again and explain to her that it's not ''just a silly teen phase'' try and explain the urgency of how you're feeling and how it's affecting you.. if she still doesnt listen talk to someone else, talk to a guidance counsellor or something maybe at college? or go to your gp xx
   
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