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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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xxprincessxx Offline
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i need help. - February 13th 2012, 08:19 PM

I've never been able to open up to people, especially people who are trying to help me through my depression and stuff, and it's really starting to annoy me. They know the surface of my problems but that's it. I've seen three counselors in total over the past 6 years and none of them have helped. One of them basically put of my problems as "friends/family" issues (which is kind of true) and told me as I get older, I'll grow out of it. Well it's been six years and I'm still stuck. The other counselor I just couldn't open up to, so that was a waster. Then the third counselor basically took what I said seriously, put me on medication and that was that.

I currently talk to the campus pastor on a weekly basis, I do realize that she isn't a professional in the area of depression/self-harm and all that other stuff, but she has definietly helped me more than anyone else ever has. I've come so far, but lately I'm slipping. The thing is I've only scratched the surface with her as well and she know's that, instead of giving up, she patiently waits for me to open up but it never happens. I always think "this week, I'm going to start talking" but then I don't. She can tell I've been on the edge for the past couple of weeks and basically made me "promise" if something was wrong that I'd tell her, well everything is wrong. Nothing is going right, I'm falling apart, I want to cut, I want to make everything stop but I can't. If I can't tell her about my past and why I feel the way I do, I def. cannot tell her about this. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. I want to talk, I want to be open, we have a great connection, she doesn't give up like everyone else but I'm still stuck. I'm tired of this, now I have to wait another week before I can talk to her again....and that feels like such a long time. Plus, I mean, it's not like I'm going to do anything different next week. I can't exactly tell her about the urges to cut without getting in trouble, but I can everything else. Why does this have to be so hard!

I hate everything so much right and nobody know's. I'm going through this completely solo, which is something I'm honestly not used too. I've always depended on a friend or somebody for support, but now I feel like I have nobody, which is making this twice as hard as it used to be. It's like I'm at the point where I just want to throw in the towel and give up, but part of me wants to keep hanging on, I just want to get better.


all i want is a place to call my own and
mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone,
woah,
you know to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.

<3
   
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Re: i need help. - February 14th 2012, 01:17 AM

1st things first, you can talk to me if you ever want to. I will try to help as best as I can and I won't judge. I have had many friends who have been through any kind of tough situation so I have had a little bit of experience in everything. But my main thing is I wanted to ask you, Why don't you feel like you can tell people? What keeps you from doing it, or do you know? Are you afraid they will judge? Are you afraid someone is gonna say something? From what it sounds like, you don't sound like you are ready to tell someone the full story. I think you're gonna have to do a little bit at a time with whoever ends up helping you. It sounds like you need to build up trust with someone over time to really feel like its okay to say something. I don't think you should give up, you should never give up. When you give up, you lose everything. But I DO want you to think about why you won't tell someone, why you don't feel comfortable. Maybe once you know that, you can find a way to fix that or get around it.


   
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Re: i need help. - February 14th 2012, 02:07 AM

I honestly have no idea why I feel like I can't tell somebody. I've been talking to this person for a little bit over a year, I trust them, I'm just scared to tell them. I've always been really shy and basically grew up in a house where I wasn't allowed to talk about my problems with anybody outside of my family, but at that point I didn't want to share with them either. My parents basically told me "never trust anybody," and that's how I grew up. Now I feel like I'm completely screwed in the part. It's not that I don't want to tell her, I do, like I really really do but I can't bring myself to do it. I have it all planned everytime, then I get there and I freeze.


all i want is a place to call my own and
mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone,
woah,
you know to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.

<3
   
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lauri Offline
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Re: i need help. - February 14th 2012, 02:20 AM

If you cant say it write it down and show them what you wrote down. I understand its hard to talk about things that make us sad. Thats great you have your campus pastor to talk to. She seems like she really cares about you keep seeing her. You can always talk about your cutting here. huggss
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Re: i need help. - February 14th 2012, 04:12 AM

Hmm. Lauri does have a very good idea. You could write it all down on paper and ether give it to her OR if you don't want to be there with her when she reads it, you could potentially write it in an email and send it.


   
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Re: i need help. - February 14th 2012, 01:46 PM

I've actually thought about doing that before but I've always done that, except in this case, it's never actually worked well before and I wanted to go about this in a different manner. Part of my problem is being able to open up and talk about this and I think that's what's creating most of what I'm going through, I've never fully let it out. I can let it out on paper or e-mail but it's not the same as talking about it.


all i want is a place to call my own and
mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone,
woah,
you know to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.

<3
   
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lauri Offline
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Re: i need help. - February 15th 2012, 04:22 AM

True its not the same but its a start if you can at least write it down or email it like you said and let some one read it that can help you. Like to your pastor or a counslor. Practice saying it in the mirror maybe out loud when your alone or to a teddy bear.
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Re: i need help. - February 15th 2012, 05:34 AM

yeah, you could practice saying it over a period of time like a week maybe? Just practice for a few minutes every time.


   
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