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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Don't know where else to turn. - February 17th 2012, 08:51 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Throughout the day, I just smile and act like everything is alright.

Inside, I'm screaming. I'm honestly suffering from the worst depression I have my entire life. I think about suicide constantly, and am starting to make plans whenever I'm down. Thinking about writing a will, just in case to make things as easy on my family as possible. I'm full of such shame and guilt, and hate myself for everything I do and everything I am. I can't focus on work anymore, my grades have been significantly lower this semester than last and I'm at less credit hours. I just cut worse than I have in years and all I want is more. And honestly, I feel that I can talk to nobody about this. I feel the people in my life that care are going through too many things that they cannot properly help me, and I know that I cannot afford a counselor or therapist on my insurance plan. My parents care, but we can't afford help, and no, I've looked around, there are no free counseling centers anywhere nearby where I live, my school doesn't offer it, they don't exist in this area,

I feel like, with no way to get help, it's like something out there is telling me I'm not worth saving. And from what I know and feel about myself, the way I treat my friends and partner, my body, my intelligence, my thoughts, my feelings, everything about me?

I'm worthless.

I said to the sun, "Tell me about the big bang"
& the sun said “it hurts to become."
Andrea Gibson, "I Sing The Body Electric; Especially When My Power Is Out"
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Don't know where else to turn. - February 17th 2012, 10:09 AM

Hi lovely.

I honestly wish I had some words that are going to make you feel better or make the situation better, I do. I know this is hard but I also know that no matter how hard it is, you can always get out of it. And I know that when you're in that moment of pain and despair it's hard to see a way it but it's there.

I think for now you need to use the support you do have ie us, friends, family, helplines as much as you can when you need the support. We're all here to help to you and I know it's not the same as being in counseling but I guess if it's all you have, you gotta use it and we will do our best to be there for you as I am sure that your parents, family etc will be too. We all love you and care about you and want to help you kid.

In respects to the self harm, as hard as it is, try and not to hurt yourself. Simply because I know where that can end and I would hate for you to get wrapped up in it. It isn't worth it, not in reality. We know that it might feel it helps for a few seconds in the moment but in real life it doesn't help and probably, if you carried on doing it, just going to make the situation even harder because it will become a whole new problem of it's own. Make sure you use alternatives and distractions when you have urges too. DO what ever it takes to beat the urges when you have them. Walk until you're physically exhausted, watch films all day or read until you fall to sleep. Do anything because you can beat the self harm and it's only you who can do that for you.

Don't stop engaging in things. I know when we get low it's easy to isolate ourselves and stop interacting because it feels like there's no point and at that moment, that's the best thing to do. But it isn't. You need to keep getting out there, going to your lessons, going bowling with friends or to the cinema. Going for walks, doing hobbies. Basically don't stop seeing the people you love or stop doing the things you love and enjoy. It's like there are three treatments. 1)Therapy 2)Medication 3)Social. In all honestly the social one plays a big part. My psychiatrist told me once that I can have as much therapy as I want or take as much medication as I can but actually getting out there, enjoying life and seeing the world is whats going to make the biggest difference and actually, I think she's right.

Suicide isn't the way out and it shouldn't be an option. You my friend, are a smart, intelligent, bright, loving, caring and beautiful young lady and you have a hell of a lot to live for. Set yourself goals and aim really damn high because you can get there. You can reach them. The world is open to you, it's at your feet. Take hold of it because it's the only one you get. Think about the future, what job you want, about university etc, your dream career. Even think about how you feel now, how you want support and think about ways to make your own organisation to help people get counseling of to start an organisation who provides free counseling. Think about having a family, falling in love, getting married, traveling the world, having children, getting your first real house, writing a book, running the marathon, climbing mountains, anything. Give yourself aims and things to hold on to. And do short term ones too. About what you can do tomorrow which is going to make it worth it, even if it's just to have a nice lush bubble bath with candles. You deserve it.

I know it's hard I do, but you're more than capable of getting through this. Let people in, let them help you. Ultimately you're in control and as hard as these urges or thoughts to kill yourself get, only you can stop it from happening. Only you can act on them to make it happen and only you can stop it. You can fight it and get through it and you can live and be happy, you really can. You're to young to let this get you. Don't let it.

I'm always here if you ever need/want to talk or anything. Keep your chin up and keep smiling, you're worth it.


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: Don't know where else to turn. - February 17th 2012, 07:44 PM


Trust me you are worth saving! I'm really sorry that you are going through this, I know how painful depression can be with sharing it with other people but by keeping it all locked away inside, I can imagine how much worse it would feel, especially since it seems like this the worst it's ever been for you.

I know that you said you can get help because they aren't any counselors in your area that you can afford. But is there any other adult figure in your life that you could talk about what is going on. I don't actually see a legit "counselor", I talk to our campus pastor and she helps me out so much more than my regular therapist did. So maybe talk to somebody like that, a teacher/professor or another adult that you feel comfortable with that could help you out?

If you feel like you are going to go through with suicide, please get help! Call a hotline or go to a local hospital. I know money is a huge concern for you, but they often times have different ways that you can pay off any bill that you may get from your stay. It really sounds like you have a lot of people in your life that care about you and would want nothing bad to happen to you! I realize you may think that it may be "easier" on them without you here, but I can assure you that it would be the exact opposite. Try opening up to them and letting them support you!

If you ever want somebody to talk to, I'm here! Feel free to send me a PM!

all i want is a place to call my own and
mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone,
you know to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.

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Re: Don't know where else to turn. - February 17th 2012, 11:41 PM

I'm SO sorry hun=( I know the posters above me gave a lot of suggestions. I thought of one last way you may be able to get help, but I don't know if it will work. I don't know if you're religious, but if you are, maybe talking to your pastor will help? I know of some people who have tried that. As for other people to talk to, we are always here. Every single one of us. And I know you feel scared about telling the people in your life because you think they deal with enough, but I think they'd be more glad if you went to them than suffered hun=( If somethings bothering you, PLEASE tell someone. Its not making you any better to keep it inside. There are certainly people that care about you and love you. You are NOT worthless. You are a wonderful and beautiful person. It will be okay someday, I promise things won't be like this forever. If you ever want to talk, you can talk to me.

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