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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Bju4138 Offline
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A Lifetime Leading to.. - February 21st 2012, 11:39 PM

On my first birthday, my mother was diagnosed with stage-4 Hodgkin's lymphoma. She battled it for years as well as other massive complications that came with it; but, through great strength and determination battled through it all. During that time, I didn't see my parents too much due to the fact I was young and they were in and out of the hospital.

Like I said, however, she did fight through. I've always admired that in her and tried to keep that same drive to push forward in my own life. Problem is, after she managed to win the battle against cancer, another war was just beginning. She was born with an abnormal pancreas and is affected by 40% kidney function as a result of the chemotherapy. So, where we're at now is her going in and out of the hospital for years and years before, and still as of today. On average she goes in for 1-2 weeks almost every month with pancreatitis.

I remember being younger and it used to just make me so upset. Over the years, I began to grow stronger as a result; and proudly never turned to drugs, alcohol, etc. Back during the summertime, I stayed over four days and nights just to keep her company. Point is, I can be there for her and for my family if need-be during these times. Ive done it for years.

Maybe though... somewhere down the line I stopped worrying about myself. As a result of my selflessness with my mother I think I began to take that pattern everywhere in my life. I began to take on the attitude that everything in life is just submissive to a greater outside force-- whatever will happen will happen and nothing can be said or done. I left myself behind and began trying to please everyone around me. And before you know it... many people turned against me. No one can please everyone.

Social situations are a burden mainly because I deemed them unnecessary at an early age. I isolated myself from the other kids' birthday parties, from sleeping over their house, from hanging out, from even a girlfriend if I had one. I wanted for so long to be alone with my own thoughts.. my own mind. I thought since I had seen my mother struggle all these years that... I had seen a side of life that I knew was definitely real and well at hand for all of us should we take the other areas for granted. I thought that what I had been through mattered... but nothing else did. Or no one else... not even family. I learned so much, I gained so much wisdom and strength (both inherited from my mom and from the suffering over the years I never decided to walk away from). But over time I used that wisdom to help what I friends I did have as well as family; to be there for them. I often got lauded for it the majority of the time. They said I even had a gift when it came to resolving conflict, issues, etc. They said I was a great friend.

I like that place. The place where you can be yourself and people will accept it. Not one human being doesn't want acceptance. However, some fight harder than others. Some question why they cant reach it, why they cant just be like everyone else. They begin to hate on themselves. They begin to think that only certain personality types can fit into society. But what I believe is that a personality is only a resultant of what society has impressed upon a person. Sure, some traits are inherited from our parents that carry on through us. Yet, we're all born with a sense of morality and self-awareness. That in itself is a way of living. Yet, this world isn't based on such beliefs. Instead we all head through with what we believe in as a result of what's been impressed upon us by our parents, family, friends and ultimately.. society. We're delicate for sure and we all live the same life... the same pressures to fit in. We don't all realize how alike we are. We reject the ones who have an idea, who seem to be honest to themselves and the world around them-- who RESPECT their environment and RESPECT others around them. A subjective attitude comprised of hate and angst are what make it, thus the saying, "nice guys always finish last" and the like were born. People who show force and authority, power and a seemingly thorough understanding of life, gain followers. They become accepted not because it's cool or morally OK, but because it reminds people of what they are fighting against: the pain and the reclusive habits that come with it. They then repress it and join in on the crowd. Thus, the saying "ignorance is bliss" was also born.

We are who we are and you can't change that. And yet I find it hard to take my own advice. What you just read was a sample of my own thought process. It's how I always run my own mind-- I like to think I am a physical representation of the part of people that they are too afraid to look for... too afraid to regain... or are desperately searching for... or the part they don't even realize they lost or are ignoring because society "accepts" them. They feel OK with themselves and don't feel reclusive or introspective at all. Some parts of me have thought if I do represent this part of people, naturally I'd be disregarded and thrown away, disputed and unaccepted.

As the years and years progressed, I began to find myself more and more alone. I began never to doubt myself but instead yearning for acceptance. Remember-- we all need it. We all need people... that's where I went wrong. When it'd come time to create a friendship or take part in a social situation with a person or persons, I disregarded it, thinking that no one had seen what I had seen and as a result hadn't thought the way I had. Yet, I'd remind myself what I represent, I feel, lives inside us all whether we allow it to shine through or not. It was then I began to want to bring it out in everyone. I began to want to change the way things were in society. It always ended bad.

As of now, I'm left with a large wall of uncertainty. I'm about to graduate high school; in the meantime, school itself is a struggle. While I hold my beliefs high, applying them hasn't always worked out. Pain is a two-sided story-- it hurts nonstop but with the right attitude, it can leave you stronger the entire way through. Yet, it all is for naught if no one cares to listen, pay attention, or will accept you. That's where the uncertainty shines through. My mom is the biggest drive behind this life I live and that will never change. I just hope someday... it proves to be all worth something to someone other than myself. I live a very secluded life. People respond negatively to what I do, how I act, all as a result of, you guessed it, my beliefs. But this is all I am. This everything you need to know about me.

Is it possible to go on in life, post high school, with simply the basics-- the ones, though as simple as could be... are not understood by most of the people here on this planet.

I will always stand by my beliefs, but, for once... I want to live in a place where... maybe it's just a bit easier.
   
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Re: A Lifetime Leading to.. - February 22nd 2012, 12:09 AM

I read this whole thing. It was very very deep and impowering. Im serious and welcome to teenhelp. I feel moved by what you wrote I really did. Your such a deep carring person that seems to really know them selfs. Most people dont know them selfs but you sure do and thats what matters in life. Beliefs are a part of who you are so I agree with you a 100 percent stick with your beliefs and dont change them for any one.

You did the right thing sticking with your mom through all shes been through. In the end family is what matters most. Im sure your mom loves you so much and appreciates you being there for her when she was sick always by her side. You and your mom probably have a very special bond that will last FOREVER. Thats something to remember always. I bet your a very special daughter to your mom. Yes I do belief are life events do teach us things. What you been through will defintaly be with you forever. It will teach you things and make you stronger.

Your a good person you really are with a lot of soul and heart. I always felt diffrent from my friends too so i dont have many friends either. I felt more mature than them too when my friends would laugh about boys and say does he like me isent he cute. I was not interested in that I was interested more in talking about whats going on in are lives the stuff that really matters the good the bad. But it seemed teens didnt talk like that so I didnt fit in to well. They didnt understand what I was going through either. Greatt job on graduating thats a big step and Im sure you worked hard for it.

Go to college its the best thing you can do for yourself. Im in college now and I can tell you this people are more mature. So maybe when you get to college you will find better friends that will understand you better and be more carring. Im pretty sure you will find friends in college just got to open up a little bit. Your number one support system seems to be your mom so lean on her talk to her about whatever is going on with you dont loose that bond with her. What you have with your mother is great most people dont have that. Just be your self. Hope this helped. You can pm (private message) me any time you need to talk {:
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Re: A Lifetime Leading to.. - February 22nd 2012, 04:38 AM

Wow, you are a VERY strong individual. I admire you a lot after reading that=) You have been through a great deal but you also keep yourself going. You look at the positive side and like Lauri said, you are a very deep thinker. Your mama must be proud of you, you've done so much for her. You should be proud too=) A wonderful person you are=) If you ever need someone to talk to or even a new friend, im here=)


   
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Re: A Lifetime Leading to.. - February 22nd 2012, 11:53 AM

Your mind is not like others... And that's a good thing in my mind. Most people just live and never really look or think about life. Everything you said is aspiring and u shouldn't change one belief. Pm me if u wanna talk more, I'd love to hear from you
   
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