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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Offline
Beauty and Bedlam
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A memorial and a message - February 23rd 2012, 01:59 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Today is February 22, 2012.

A year ago today I almost died.

I could try to tell you what it was like for me then, but even I could not recapture it correctly. My mind is rather hazy about the events of that day, most likely in the effort to save me from what was happening, to keep me from how painful it really was. Time, too, has only distorted my memories, as time is wont to do. But I want to share my story.

Everyone's hell is their own personal experience. I could read yours and maybe identify with a small part of it, may be able to help you process it, even. The truth is, however, that I would never truly understand exactly what it was like. I could look through the windows, but I can never know what it was like to sit in the house.

But I will try to tell you my feelings, and hope maybe some of you understand.

I had been stuck in the labyrinth for a long time. The passages were dark and dreary under a sky the color of slate, and the walls were full of tangles and thorns, waiting to ensnare me. I'd fought my way through the thicket, tirelessly, valiantly, but my clothes were in tatters, and my body covered in scratches. I would pull the thorns out only to be pierced by more, wounding my hands and feet, my sight.

Something inside me that day was like a feverish infection, something I couldn't shake. I had the thought in my head, but I was terrified. My mind was going to fast, my mind wasn't clear, and all I wanted to do was destroy everything around me. And I knew what I was going to do.

I was in a fit when I got home. I went to the restroom and locked the door and looked in the mirror. I didn't recognize what I saw. It was something feral, something inhuman. In that moment, I saw hell where my reflection should have been. I felt like my soul was a gaping, screaming hole, and I could stand it no more. I would risk death for silence.

I took them. I took them all, and watched myself do it. Then everything felt more surreal than it had in the past hour. I told my friends I did it...everyone was so serious and though I understood why, I tried not to listen, or else I would collapse. We were at the hospital, I was whisked away, into bright lights and doctors.

I didn't know at the time how close I came to dying. In reality, my heart could've stopped on my way to the hospital. They didn't tell me until later how lucky I was.

A year ago today was the day I almost died.

But it was also the day I lived.

This past year has been a challenge, and for a while after my overdose I flailed. But I realized sometime last year that I couldn't go on living the way I was, because I would surely die.

I decided to change my life. It was hard work. It didn't just "happen." There was no magic pill, no magic cure. There never is. I had to work, and work like my life depended on it, because frankly, it did.

I feel very happy now, and have for a while. Things are great with my friends and family, my boyfriend and I are better than ever, I am in school and volunteer in my spare time, and most of all: I am happy, and at peace, with myself. And that's something I never thought I would find.

So to those of you who are teetering on the edge, to those of you who feel you can't hold on:

I know my pain isn't yours. I know I can never know what it's like to be in your hell.

But I knew my own terrible, monstrous, irreparable pain. I had been trying to escape for over two years, and though some sunshine would break through around others, when I was left on my own there was ultimately darkness. I had to face myself at the end of the day, and I hated what I saw. I wanted to destroy it, so I tried.

I almost "succeeded," but I didn't. And I realize now, from how far I've come in the past year, that it was a blessing I didn't, for I would have died without knowing what it was like to be truly happy with myself.

You can't wait for someone else to save you. You have to be the one to save yourself. That's what they told me for so long, and it seemed impossible, and it only angered me. But once I realized I wanted to save MY life, it became a hell of a lot easier.

To all of you: hold on. Hold on one more second, or minute, or hour, but hold on. Hold on because you don't know what you might miss, because you don't know what the next second might bring. Hold on because, while the present can seem eternally bleak, it won't stay that way forever.

Don't give up on yourself. Because I promise you, there is something there worth fighting for. And you have to be the one to fight for it, because once you have fought and won your life, it is all the more precious to you.

You have to choose life. But once you do, you might find that it can be beautiful.

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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I've been here a while
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Re: A memorial and a message - February 23rd 2012, 03:47 AM

Wow, thank you for posting this. You may just save a few lives yourself=) I'm very glad you are still here!

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Lumos. Offline
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Re: A memorial and a message - February 23rd 2012, 04:01 AM

Wow. That is a very inspiring story you have here. Thank you for sharing with us. Im glad you came through all of that.

From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How all my worst fears are letting out
He said, "Why put a new address on the same old loneliness?"
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
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lauri Offline
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Re: A memorial and a message - February 23rd 2012, 04:03 AM

Wow that was very touching. Thanks for that. Your right we all have are own tramatic storys that not every one is going to understand. I think you should think about this. That you did not die because it was not your time. So now you know its not your time and you need to live because as you said it your self things will get better just hold on. Im glad you didnt die and got the right treatment for yourself. I hope I can do the same like you did one day. For me I want some one to save me.
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