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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Exclamation so close i'm hanging over the edge - February 26th 2012, 09:57 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I was so close to doing it Friday. i'm still hanging over the edge. only a few friends are keeping me here.
i had it planned out so perfectly. i was going to go home after school, drop my bags, climb into the tub, block the drain and turn the water on. i wanted it to end so badly. it was better than being put down and treated like shit by the ones who were supposed to love me. it was better than my every mistake being treated like a crime worthy of life imprisonment. it was a better idea than being treated like an idiot.
i just wanted the pain to end. i just wanted to disappear. i just wanted to be good enough.
i know I've made mistakes. i know I've trusted the wrong people. i was an idiot, i was a stupid girl. please let it go. i screwed up, everybody does at one point. i'm trying to forget, why can't everyone else? i should have known better. but i'm still learning. i'll admit i was wrong. i fucked up.
i screw up, i piss people off, i say the wrong thing, how can anyone love me?
his eyes haunt me, my fingers itch to text him but i have to resist because according to him i don't deserve to live. i don't deserve to know love. i'm a horrible person.
i've ruined 3 friendships in 2 days. i'm barely surviving in school. i've been called a lesbian, fat, ugly, worthless, useless, hopeless, whore, heartless, bitch.
what am i doing wrong? what do i have to do to make people love me?
i have lost my reason to live. it was the only thing keeping me here. now it's gone so why am i still hanging on?





"Stop acting like you know what I've been through, you know nothing until you've actually lived every moment and felt every ounce of pain that I have."

"Someone asked me if i missed you, I just walked away then I whispered, so much" I'll miss you forever, Vernon and Charlene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bWrL...eature=related
   
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - February 26th 2012, 10:12 PM

I'm sorry for all that you've been through and are going through. But you deserve to live and should keep living because honestly life isn't always going to be this bad. It might seem like it right now but life does and will continue to get better!

Those people that talk about you like that don't know you and are probably just insecure themselves. Don't listen to them! I don't know what you've done in life or the mistakes you've made but I do know that you DO NOT need to kill yourself because of them. EVERYBODY makes mistakes, big ones and small ones. We all have done stupid things but life goes on and it gets better!

I'm sure you have people who love and care about you and would not want you feeling this way. Maybe you should talk to them, opening up and talking to a friend, family member, teacher, school counselor could be exactly what you need. Especially if you are still suicidal, it's best to get help before this gets worse! Please hang in there, if you want to talk, feel free to PM me anytime!


all i want is a place to call my own and
mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone,
woah,
you know to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.

<3
   
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - February 26th 2012, 10:46 PM

thanks. the only thing keeping me from hurting myself or attempting again are my best friends and my mom has threatened to send me to a mental health institution





"Stop acting like you know what I've been through, you know nothing until you've actually lived every moment and felt every ounce of pain that I have."

"Someone asked me if i missed you, I just walked away then I whispered, so much" I'll miss you forever, Vernon and Charlene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bWrL...eature=related
   
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - February 26th 2012, 10:52 PM

I'm glad that you are living for something! You need to try and live for yourself too! Seriously life gets better! Do you think you could tell your mom how your feeling? I doubt you'd get sent to a mental institution. If anything, just to a local hospital for a few days until they can make sure you aren't suicidal anymore. This isn't actually a bad thing or scary as it might seem, it can actually do you a lot of good!


all i want is a place to call my own and
mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone,
woah,
you know to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.

<3
   
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - February 27th 2012, 07:44 PM

She said that if i hurt myself that she would send me to a mental hospital called Glen oaks down the road from where i live. My school counselor has me on a no-harm contract. she said that if i hurt myself then it will guarantee a trip to glen oaks, same as what my mom said. they don't understand that cutting was the only thing keeping me from tipping over the edge. quitting is what tosses me over the edge. i don't know how to stop these thoughts. they are always on my mind.





"Stop acting like you know what I've been through, you know nothing until you've actually lived every moment and felt every ounce of pain that I have."

"Someone asked me if i missed you, I just walked away then I whispered, so much" I'll miss you forever, Vernon and Charlene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bWrL...eature=related
   
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - February 27th 2012, 07:55 PM

So are you allowed to talk about having urges to cut without having any fear of getting sent to this place? Maybe you could just talk about your triggers and how you want to do it, not that you have or are for sure going too.

Maybe you could try to educate your mom on cutting and self-harm in general, especially if you are doing it not as a way to cope with life. I think that it might be helpful.

As for ways to keep these things off your mind, just try and keep yourself distracted. Focus on school work and do things that you enjoy doing!


all i want is a place to call my own and
mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone,
woah,
you know to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.

<3
   
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - February 28th 2012, 07:58 PM

Thanks. its hard to focus on anything without cutting. I'm barely passing in school. I keep reliving what happened my freshman year. My focus fades and i can't think straight. Cutting helps me focus. it takes all the feelings and gets it out. i can't even think about it now without having to fight the urges. i don't want to talk about it because it draws attention from harassers who don't understand how it feels. I listen to people whine about their parents, friends, teachers and want to punch them in the face because they will never know how it hurts to lose people, either to death/harsh words/moving or anything. They don't know how it is to watch someone you love kill themselves, or die from cancer alone in a hospital bed. they don't know how it is to want to die, or hurt urself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside. they don't know how it hurts to smile. i wish they knew. oh how i wish they knew so maybe they would leave me the fuck alone.





"Stop acting like you know what I've been through, you know nothing until you've actually lived every moment and felt every ounce of pain that I have."

"Someone asked me if i missed you, I just walked away then I whispered, so much" I'll miss you forever, Vernon and Charlene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bWrL...eature=related
   
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - February 29th 2012, 10:32 PM

what happened your freshman year?


even a fake smile releases endorphin's

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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - March 1st 2012, 09:48 PM

my best friend who i had a huge crush on moved and told me i wasn't worth a second glance. he was my world and when he moved, my world crumbled. i faded into myself. kissed my grades good bye. couldn't smile. couldn't eat. couldn't sleep. i didn't want to live. i wanted to die. i started cutting, smoking, dressing in dark clothes, trying to fade into the back ground. it was bad. i asked my friends who stuck by me just how bad i was and they looked at me and said......... BAD. they said i was like a zombie.





"Stop acting like you know what I've been through, you know nothing until you've actually lived every moment and felt every ounce of pain that I have."

"Someone asked me if i missed you, I just walked away then I whispered, so much" I'll miss you forever, Vernon and Charlene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bWrL...eature=related
   
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - March 1st 2012, 10:54 PM

Im so sorry to hear your this sad and depressed. Reminds me of my dark days. But look I got through them Im still here. I got through it because I trusted in jesus and god,. Also seeing a therapist will be good Nakita so yo ucan talk about your relationship break up and start healing and moving on from it and finding healthy ways to cope with it un like the cutting. If you need to go to a hospital in patient to stay safee then please go and see your mom does care about you she wants you safe talk to her how you feel. No she doesnt think your messed up she just wants you happy and safe. Dont do it pleasee
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - March 2nd 2012, 02:08 AM

thank you lauri. i wish it was as easy as talking but i write and type better than i can talk.





"Stop acting like you know what I've been through, you know nothing until you've actually lived every moment and felt every ounce of pain that I have."

"Someone asked me if i missed you, I just walked away then I whispered, so much" I'll miss you forever, Vernon and Charlene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bWrL...eature=related
   
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - March 2nd 2012, 04:17 PM

Thats okay if you go to therapy you dont have to open up right away they allow you to get used to them before you say stuff. So its okay to be shy when you see a therapist. If you can write it thats great you can give what you wrote down tto your therapist. HUggsss
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - March 3rd 2012, 01:31 AM

thank you lauri. some days i can act like nothings wrong but other days i just want to blow my brains out. i want to get away from all the shit. maybe a trip to Glen Oaks wouldn't be such a bad idea?





"Stop acting like you know what I've been through, you know nothing until you've actually lived every moment and felt every ounce of pain that I have."

"Someone asked me if i missed you, I just walked away then I whispered, so much" I'll miss you forever, Vernon and Charlene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bWrL...eature=related
   
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - March 3rd 2012, 01:41 AM

yeah my mom threatned to take me there too. I have been to a in patient mental hospital before it was okay. so yes go it can really help you and really help with finding the right meds you will get individual and group attention. Yes go it will be good for you to get help and be stable.
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Re: so close i'm hanging over the edge - March 3rd 2012, 02:24 AM

Thanks for the support





"Stop acting like you know what I've been through, you know nothing until you've actually lived every moment and felt every ounce of pain that I have."

"Someone asked me if i missed you, I just walked away then I whispered, so much" I'll miss you forever, Vernon and Charlene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bWrL...eature=related
   
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