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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Formerself Offline
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Post My life in a very large and abused nutshell - February 27th 2012, 06:29 AM

This is my first post on teenhelp.org and I joined because I saw someone toss their feelings and experiences onto a page. I thought that maybe I could help myself by telling my story and just getting it off my chest.

Please let me start by saying that nothing has been dramatized for effect or blown out of proportion (everyone I talk to always seems to say "Well , it can't be THAT bad".) I dont expect anyone to read it to the end.
Here we go I guess...

I have been dealing with depression ever since I was 9 or 10 years old and for the longest time I thought it was completely normal until my mother started to get worried about me. She would constantly ask if I was happy and I would just shrug and say "yeah, I guess so". The school I was at was pretty bad. All the teachers that were there would pick on the kids and call us stupid. They were the teachers that had no other place to go, since the Teacher's Union makes sure no teachers are permanently fired (unless something very drastic happens) they were placed at our school. But the principal seemed to actually like kids and wanted to help us. Sometimes I would go and talk to her about my problems in school and she did try to talk to my home room teacher. Unfortunately that just ensured I was graded hard on my assignments and made to read from the text book more often (I really can't talk in front of crowds, I stutter and jitter around in my seat making everyone laugh).

It was until around fourteen when I started thinking about suicide. I had moved to a new town just a year ago and was still considered the new kid. At first it had been amazing, the teachers were much better than my old ones, the kids seemed to be pretty cool, and even my school work had improved from C's to A's and B's. I had even made 4 great friends. I'm not sure what caused it or why but I started thinking about killing myself. I was really scared that I kept thinking about different ways to kill myself so I went on the Internet for help. There was a person that said you should just write out your thoughts in a journal, so I did. It worked for a while and I ended up almost filling up the book and I did feel a lot better. When I was finally starting to feel sociable I invited my 4 friends over to hang out and it was fun. We played Left 4 Dead on the Xbox and stuffed our faces. The next day at school everyone seemed to be avoiding me and whispering behind my back. It was then that I found out that one of my friends had stolen my journal and had read it to basically everyone in school. One of my true friends managed to get the journal back for me but the damage had been done. I was called a freak and someone even drew a girl in a noose on my locker door in permanent marker. Luckily my other three friends stayed by my side and all but beat up the people that made fun of me. Eventually I went to the school councellor and she told me to use my...Cool Tools. For those of you that don't know the Cool Tools are for when you're being bullied. You are supposed to say, "Hey, I don't like it when you do that" and then th bully will be like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'll stop." and then they become friends. I now realize that my response to the school councillor could have been handled better. Basically I said that she could shove her Cool Tools. Very rude and I am sorry.

The bullying at the school got so bad that I transferred to another school. Now this...this was the school that really twisted me. At first it was exactly like the other, great teachers, pretty cool kids, easier grades but it was truly a nightmare. I ended up being friends with 3 people and lets call them Sal, Tia, and Tamara. Tia was a pretty heavy girl but was a beautiful violinist, Tamara was into making movies and other stuff that I'll get into later, and Sal...Sal was a horrible boy. He wasn't attractive, he wasn't that strong but he had this charm about him, he was so charismatic. Everyone wanted to be his friend. The only way I would be able to describe him is a cult leader feel. Everything was great and I was getting along with everyone until I started to notice that Tamara was hanging around with us less and less. I was pretty worried because this was an art school where drugs were just as important.(Not saying all art school are like that). I realized that Tamara had been hanging out with Sandra, I guess she would be called the Queen B of our grade. (I'm in grade 9 now) She was a hardcore drug user and best friends with Sal. I asked Tamara if she was doing drugs and she practically tore me new one, and really scared me. She stole one of my acquaintances from me telling her that I hated her. I was pretty broken up about it but Sal was able to cheer me up and eventually I stopped feeling bad. I was just hanging out with Tia and Sal and sometimes a girl from my Drama class and it was good. It was until halfway through the year that I started realizing that I was starting to turn into a bully myself. ME! I tried to figure out how it happened and it saw that everything lead back to Sal. He was so subtle and sneaky that I had even noticed that he had been bullying me. Not physically but mentally. I couldn't believe it because I never saw it coming. But there was something about him every time I was near him I rechecked myself and decided that he couldn't be a bully he was so nice and funny. But then I would leave and replay the conversations in my head and realize he was insulting me and pretty much everyone he talked! I stopped hanging around with him and started just hanging around with Tia. Sal didn't like that and started spreading rumors. He told his friend Sandra that I said All druggies deserve to die or something like that ( while I am strongly opposed to drugs I don't believe it right to wish someone dead) so while I was leaving school I noticed Sandra and a large group of her friends waiting for me outside. I was really scared because I had heard what Sal had been saying and even though I tried to tell people the truth they believed charismatic Sal over the new kid. My dad was late picking me up and eventually it was just the group of angry people and myself. I swear if my father hadnt pulled up at that moment I think I might have been put in the hospital. I told my parents about what was happening and they informed the principal. I was so scared to go to school the next day that I had actually thrown up many times. My parents kept me home for about a week.
When I finally went back I had missed so much and was very far behind. I found out that while I was gone Tia had become Sal's new tool. Everyone picked on her because of her weight and when I returned it looked like she had lost almost [edit] pounds. I felt so guilty that I left Tia but it seemed that since I returned everything was put back to normal. Tia wasn't teased as much and though the group never waited for be outside again they made sure to make my life miserable. They would shove me, trip me, one time they pushed me down onto the ground and I skinned up my hands and knees pretty bad. My parents freaked out and my dad went back to my old school to ask if I could enroll in it even though there was like two months of school left. The principal told my father, " I'm sorry but we can't deal with her attitude."
Eventually the end of school finally came and one of my friends from drama wanted to stay I in touch (Because I had decided to enroll in a different high school with my old friends) so I gave her my email.
A few weeks into the summer I got an email. I thought it was from her but it turned out she gave the email to Sal and he started sending me emails. I felt so betrayed and defeated that I almost started cutting myself.

The new high school year started and I was happy because I was with my best friends. They were really supportive and I love them truly with all my heart. But it seemed like that year I had just burnt out. If I wasnt freaking out because there were so many people in the room with me or wondering if they were going to start trashing me I was just totally indifferent. I didn't seem to care about working anymore. One day I had just gotten so bored and stressed (can you be bored and stressed st the same time?) I walked the 5 clicks home half way through the school day. I ended up with huge bloody blisters on my heels, it was pretty gross. My mother let me stay home a few days to heal then I was back to school. Everyone around me was really worried but I just did not care.
A few days after I started going back to school I had an emotional break down in the middle of my science class. I didn't understand a question and the teache was helping me at all, she was just telling me the answers but not how to get them. I burst into tears and no one could comfort me. My friends heard and tried to help but eventfully my. Mom had to pick me up. The next day I was feeling better so I went to school. In the same science room I was talking with my teacher and was trying to get he with an question but it was the same thing over again. So I stood up from my desk and started walking to the door. But when the teacher told me to stop I said "Shut up, Prego" (she was pregnant) and left. I am really sorry for what I said and would change it if I could. I went to the office and called my mom. I told her I couldn't do it anymore. She picked me up and I am now enrolled in homeschooling. But I have seemed to have lost my life. I am either a nervous wreck that is scared out of her mind when her older sister talks to random people on the Xbox or I'm a cynical old bat that makes life hard for everyone. I do try to be happy and plaster on a smile to face the day and I have tried antidepressants, they aren't for me, but I just can't seem to shake these feelings of anxiety and sadness. My mom onced asked me if I make myself sad sometimes because it's become so normal for me to be in that state and I'm starting to think it's true because I have a wonderful life now and have no reason to be depressed whatsoever. I just can't find the will to work anymore and when I do everything is so hard and complicated even though I have a tutor.

Anyway that's my story. Please note I am not looking for pity like many people think I am. I wrote this out to help myself and maybe someone else. Thank you for your time and have a good day.

Last edited by *Jen*; February 27th 2012 at 07:53 PM. Reason: Please don't post weight numbers
   
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Re: My life in a very large and abused nutshell - March 2nd 2012, 05:27 PM

I hope it helped you to write it all out and get it out there. I know that helps me sometimes. And honestly, depression is a mental illness. So don't think you're making yourself that way. Maybe try talking to your doctor about it? Just a suggestion. :3
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