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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Tazzy Offline
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Name: Tarah
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Unhappy Painfully Alone - February 29th 2012, 10:37 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey, first off I just joined this site, so I am sorry if I'm doing this wrong haha... Also sorry for the following message but I honestly just need to let everything out and am pretty much just basking in self pity at the moment.

So, all my life I've never had many friends... I had gone 5 years with no friends, no one to tell my secrets too... I assume it is because I am boring. Although I am a nice person, I'm also not the type of person to show my feelings. The fact I have only one friend, makes me feel pathetic and like I'm not worth knowing.

Although I do not think I am ugly. I am fat and too tall. I hate the way I look so much, I cry about it everyday. I've never eaten very much, just dinner. But I know that just destroys my metabolism and puts me in starvation mode, perhaps this is why I am the size that I am, I exercise every day (when everyone is asleep or out so they don't have to look at me). I feel as though I am so disgusting inside and out that I don't deserve to live, or to be happy. Yet I am selfish and all I want is to be happy.

Currently I am in year 12, and I am about to start Uni as well (just tertiary prep). Next year I want to move back to my home town, an hour and a half away, to do a Bachelor of Arts there. Hoping to meet a career in book editing. The problem is, I'm stressing about money... With bills and rent etc it'll be atleast $315 per week, at the moment I am making $400 a fortnight... I've asked my parents what they think I should do, and I honestly just get ignored. I am working towards my future, hoping to have some sort of career (in what I really want to do) but what is the point if I am doing it all alone? What is the point in shaping my future, if I'm going to spend it alone? I can't see myself being successful anymore...

I have a long distance boyfriend, who I honestly love more than anything, but he has a job and is currently in college. He works 14-15 hour days and sometime I don't hear from him for a few days. When we do talk we spend the precious time we have catching up, I can never tell him my worries...
We have talked about moving to the same town except he has been offered a well paying internship where he lives. I am worried he won't ask me to move there with him or that he won't move to the town we both have thought about moving to.

He is the ONLY thing that makes me happy anymore, but when we don't talk I'm dead inside, I cry for hours and hours. He is perfect and is truly the man I want to spend my life with, start a family with... But I'm scared that we will be apart for too long that it will just destroy me.

I share a room with my 12 year old sister, the room is tiny and I have had to get rid of basically all my things (dressing table, computer chair, stereo, guitar and amp, bedside table... etc) currently my bed is my computer chair and my sister is sleeping on mattresses on the floor. My bed is my dressing table, and is where I have to do all my studying and assignments. She destroys the room and everything I own. I hate living here more than anything in the world.

This year is very important for me, but I receive migraines every single day. Since I was in grade 1. It has been worse the last 2 years and I have no idea why. It has not been helping my depression at all. But the doctors don't want to help... they just assume it is one thing, diagnose it and then forget about it.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't consider ending it all. I'm sick of the pain that won't go away, of hoping it will get better... But it never does. I'm sick of being alone. Ignored. Forgotten. Unwanted. Used. Do you know what it's like to have so much to say but to have no one to listen? Everything just builds up inside and I just can't take it anymore.

"If no one in the entire world cared about you, did you really exist at all?"
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
blue blood Offline
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Re: Painfully Alone - February 29th 2012, 12:06 PM

first of all your a really brave girl for letting all that out .
ok hi tarah i kno what its like to have no friends but you need to stick in there ok with everything alight im not the best at helping or supporting people but if you keep thinking down on your self everyday will get worse you need to start some were but you will learn to love yourself ,
by the sound of it your a nice person and theres no excuse for you to not look forward to the future ok you deserve everything and nothing less .
you are worth every bit so don't end it i kno its hard at the moment but i swear you and your boyfriend will find happiness and life will love you
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Painfully Alone - February 29th 2012, 05:36 PM

Hey Don't worry about the long message, I'll try my best to help.
The most worrying thing I grasped there was the migraines. Are you on medication to control them? Have you spoken to a doctor? Usually, recurring migraines are a bad sign, it might be worth speaking to a doctor to check everything's okay.
Your eating/exercise habits are also concerning. Again, I'd think about talking to a doctor or other professional about this to try and get you help. Perhaps you could see a dietician? Try speaking to a teacher or another adult you can trust.
You may only have one friend, but that doesn't mean anything about you. Usually it's better to only have one friend, because often, having too many is problematic when people fall out etc etc. Just try to work on this friendship, perhaps you'll be able to trust her one day. Do you already share your problems with her? It would be something to consider if you don't already - a problem shared is a problem halved.
I'm sorry your home situation is a bit rough right now. There's not a lot you can do apart from last it out until you go to uni soon. As for the money - is there any way you can get a loan from the bank or something? Or perhaps grandparents/other adults might be willing to lend you money until you get your feet on the ground.
I hope everything works out for you, I'm always here if you need help <3
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Painfully Alone - February 29th 2012, 08:34 PM

Ok. Having a significant other is wonderful. I'm happy you found someone. but it is not healthy to build your whole world around that one person. You need a solid foundation. one that can not be destroyed by a break up or a lack of contact. You need to find friends. I know you know this but you have to. Social interaction is crutial if you want to feel better. Why not start on teen help? There are plenty of people here that will support you. this is a wonderful site. You can friend me if you like. I want to be there for you. Just remember to private message me so I remember who you are ok? I come across a lot of people on here. put your faith in unshakable things. Like helping others or a passion of yours like art or poetry. or even just running off the hope that you will one day feel happy.

Also I want to touch on your feeling fat. There is nothing wrong with being overweight. There are plenty of people out there that think it's attractive. I believe the anti fat feelings come from us trying to relate to others. we see every day so many "pretty" thin almost anarexic woman and big lean beefy men and it can effect how we look at ourselves. one of my favorite characters in anime is extremely obeast. I actually would love to look like her because she's just so awesome. The world needs to see a larger variety of sizes of fabulouse people. A person who is real does not have toothpick size arms and breast implants. You are beautiful the way you are. And you cannot say that no one cares for you. because I do. I want you to live and be happy. I want you to look out the window and see the sunshine and let it really fill your heart. that is not impossible to achive. because nothing is imposible for someone as special as you.

don't give up because there is so much to live for. there is a reason we are here and it is to blossom and be the best we can be. You are in a dark place right now but you know a freind of mine said to me once and it was so simple and short and people use it for those who are struggling so often but it made so much sense. It's "things will be better in the morning." You will one day wake up one morning and say say, I dont feel so bad today. and go from there.
I wish you all the best. Stay strong and don't give up

It will be better in the morning


flower
hello my heart where have you been
I missed you when you left
you ran away with that senseless boy
and left me dim and dry
like a faded flower in the mist

Come back my heart. you have a home here
In this place that is my soul
I want to feel like whole again. don't waste your time with him

Have faith my heart. You'll get a second chance
come back to me and you will not be alone
  Send a message via AIM to will was here  
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Tazzy Offline
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Re: Painfully Alone - February 29th 2012, 09:29 PM

Hey thanks for the support guys, I really need it.
Answer to your questions - With my migraines, I had been seeing a neurologist for about a year and yes I'm on medication for them, they don't help at all. My doctor later said it was because of stress, referred me to a therapist and didn't book to see me again.

I started seeing the therapist for about 3 months, but I felt as though she judged me. She was also just trying to find one problem that is causing me to stress, one problem that I didn't care about.

I have been meaning to go to see a doctor about it again, because my migraines are effecting my studies and making me feel stupid and worthless.

With my eating habits I think it's because of where I am living... I live with 6 people and usually my mum just buys junk. I hate junk food. So I don't eat it. Then the problem with me buying my own food is that everyone eats it, and I can't eat fruit or veggies, that has been in the fridge or out over night. I don't know why. And I went to a dietician once when I was 12 or so, even then I hated it, feeling that they judged me.

I share a lot with my friend, she also has depression that she takes medication for. We hang out a lot, do stuff on the weekends etc. To avoid sitting at home dwelling on the bad stuff. It does help.

I've never asked for money off of anyone. And it would really please my mum to see me struggling. She doesn't even believe I will be accepted into uni or be mature enough to live on my own.

Thanks again guys for your support.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
will was here Offline
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Re: Painfully Alone - February 29th 2012, 10:07 PM

isn't it strange how much we find we have in common when we share our struggles with others? It only proves that we are never really alone


flower
hello my heart where have you been
I missed you when you left
you ran away with that senseless boy
and left me dim and dry
like a faded flower in the mist

Come back my heart. you have a home here
In this place that is my soul
I want to feel like whole again. don't waste your time with him

Have faith my heart. You'll get a second chance
come back to me and you will not be alone
  Send a message via AIM to will was here  
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