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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Readein Offline
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Never Give Up Hope! - March 1st 2012, 05:18 AM

Hello teen help, my names Dylan Pope. I've spent some time reading some of the posts on here relating to depression/suicide, and I've even posted some myself. I know what it feels like.......to feel completely and utterly alone. To live each day, and praying the next will be your last. I've delved into the darkest places in my soul, and never imagined getting out. However I survived, and you can too!

I know how you feel.....you've looked for ways to get over your hardships. Asked for help, tried to better yourself, and all to no avail. People talk as if your not even a human being. Hearing "Keep your chin up, things will get better!" over and over, and cringing everytime you do. You try to live by what people say, but ultimately they feel like just empty words. Well I'm here to tell you my story.

I had always felt like an outcast. Constantly humiliated, and emasculated throughout school. It seemed as no one cared for anything, unless it harmed me in some way. Throughout school I wore a fake smile on my face, pretending that words didn't hurt me. I thought that if I acted this way that they would just leave me alone. This was untrue........atleast at school I had a handful of friends, a few of which I'm blessed to still have. Anyways school wasn't the worst part.

After going to 4 highschools (15 schools in all) I had given up on work. Coming into a semester late, and doing a bunch of make up work just to move again and not have my credits pass on were not my idea of fun. I'd been to so many schools that I had gotten used to being a loner. Finally my dad dropped me out without asking, and I never went back. I still regret that I stayed out to this day.

Well I thought I left my problems back in school, but boy was I wrong. Things slowly got worse and worse. I developed a drug problem after a few years, never realizing that it was just my escape from reality. I started with pot, then pills, then alcohol, then uppers (mainly coke and bath salts), and finally landed on DXM (Robitussin). I cannot explain in words the amount of hate I have for that substance.

First time I did it, I felt amazing. Instantly my social awkwardness was gone. I could actually talk to random people, and have a good time! Oh how I loved this drug. For the first time in my life I felt like a normal person. Well at first I was doing one MAYBE two bottles a week, and I loved it. One of my friends had received a check for 15k shortly after introducing me to that poison. Being he was 17, and you had to be 18 to buy it, he sent me in to get it. Being that I was the middle man that meant that I would always partake in it also. As his drug problem inflated, so did mine. We got to doing 6-8 bottles a week.

The thing about this drug is that it clouds you mind, even 2-3 days after use, depending on the dose you took. Feeling this horrible hangover only made you want more. 3-4 months and 15k later, my friend is broke. In this time we had also introduced this drug to other friends. Well me, and two other friends (one being the guy who had the money) started doing anything to get money. After exhausting every option we had, an idea arose. Something so obvious, that we all nearly slapped ourselves for not thinking of it. We could steal it....

It would be so easy, the percentage of us getting caught was very low. We got good, and good fast. Stealing became a second nature to me. At this point my addiction wasn't only the drug, but obtaining it. The rush of stealing became very enjoyable to me. I started stealing 6-10 bottles A DAY, and doing them normally between me and one other. Doing 21 bottles a week was a horrible problem, but I never seemed to realize it.

Now the only thing I thank this drug for (and I'm in no way glorifying it's use) was that it helped me meet the love of my life. She was one of my friends niece, and boy is she amazing. DXM allowed me to come out and finally tell her how I felt, and also gave me a reason to be at my friends house. After our first talk we connected immediately. Anyways I'll get back to her, things haven't quite gotten better yet.

Well I eventually said I was done with DXM. Little did I know that coming off it cause extreme depression. Especially when you've done as much as I did. Well I kept quitting, and relapsing right back where I started. I got caught stealing once, but after convincing the manager to not beat my ass, he let us go as long as we didn't come back. This scared me, a lot. I stopped stealing for a few weeks. Until my friend showed up at my house under the influence. He asked if I wanted to do it, but he had no money so I had to steal it. Reluctantly I agreed.

We went to the nearest walmart, and devised a plan. After shaking off the nerves I go in, and do it. It goes off without a hitch, or atleast I thought so. I was in and out in a matter of minutes. I get in the car, and tell him to book it. At that time an undercover walmart security dude reaches through the window, and grabs the steering wheel. He told us to shut the car off or we were getting the cops called on us. I was sober at the time.....my friend was far from it. I had befriended all the security guys, and they said they'd let me go. However they said they had to call the cops on my friend because he was inebriated, and was driving. This wasn't good news, but I couldn't do anything about it.

The cops shows up, and with my luck charges us both. I got concealment, and he got a DUI. After the paper work, and receiving the "You're stupid as hell" talk from the police he puts me in the back of the cop car, and is about to take me to the station. Then my luck presents itself again, and my grandfather (who lives a few towns away -.-) walks out of walmart. I duck, and the cop asks why. I said I didn't want him to see me like this. Being the sadistic asshole the cop was, he beeps the horn and talks to him. Needless to say I'd rather went to the station than in the car with my grandparents.

After that situation the depression kicked in harder than it ever had. Here I was in love with a girl that I wasn't allowed to talk to (get to that later), got a charge with no way of paying court fees, my inheritance money of which I had waited 11 years for got stolen from me by a crooked lawyer, and many many many other things that I could do nothing about at the time. I had too much time on my hands, which I spent thinking. Depression was no longer a part of me.......it was me. Never did I feel a glimpse of happiness during this time. I kept on doing tussin, because my friend started getting monthly checks from his moms disability. That stopped after a while, and I started stealing again. I know I was stupid, but you have to understand the frame of mind I was in.

The drug had taken my soul. I wanted nothing, but that drug. Me and a friend got the bright idea to go to the beach spontaneously, completely unprepared, and heavily under the influence of DXM. After the 4 hour long drive I was sober for the most part. My friend (same one from walmart) was not at all. He was driving so bad when we got there, that I tried numerous times to get him to pull over. He never did. He was driving on the wrong side of the highway. I told him if he didn't pull over we'd get arrested.

Not 5 minutes later we get blue lighted. I was sober, and not driving so they just talked to me like I was a piece of shit, but atleast I didn't get charged. My friend didn't fail the sobriety test.....because he was unable to take it. I have never I repeat NEVER seen someone as messed up as he was. Well they took him to jail, and impounded his car. I told the cops that I was out of state, with no phone, no money, no means of transportation, and no close by living relatives. The cops told me I was on my own, and wouldn't even take me to the station.

So I walked for 6 hours to the closest walmart. It was the only place big enough, so I wouldn't get kicked out. Now I was, and still am banned from every walmart in the country because of my charge, so I was on edge and didn't give out my name. After spending 8 hours sitting, and trying to figure things out, I find out my friend had gotten out and was looking for me. I was so pissed at him, but as soon as I saw him I couldn't help but to be relieved.

THAT didn't even stop my drug habbit. Now I could type for hours on my mishaps with the drug, but I think I got my point across. I finally started to see my love again. However I would always be messed up around her, but she didn't seem to care. One day I saw her crying, and I asked her why. She said that my DXM problem was hurting her, and she was afraid I was going to kill my self. Now she was a few years younger than me, and her mom wouldn't let me date her until she was 18. She mentioned that if I was doing the things I did then we she finally turned 18 that she wouldn't be there for me.

That was the kicker....I started crying and begged her to give me one chance to get clean, and if I failed then she would have nothing to do with me. It was then that I finally kicked my habbit. The depression was worse that it had ever been, but the thought of her pushed me through it. Her mom eventually realized this, and allowed us to date. I was happy, but then a few says later a close friend of mine died. This would've normally caused me to relapse, but I couldn't bare to put my girl through that. Things have been better since then.

After all that hell, I found happiness. All of this happened over the course of last year believe it or not. Had I not fucked my mind up I may be able to tell you more of what happened, but honestly most of 2011 is a blur.

I found the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. So many people tried, but she was the only person that made me want to better myself. I could write a book on my feelings for her.

Anyways the moral of the story is, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! No matter how bad things seem, or how inevitable your depression seems, it will get better. I had been through hell and back, and that was only last year. However I survived it all, and you can too!

I hope I've helped people out in some way.

Have a great life!

-Dylan

Last edited by Readein; March 1st 2012 at 05:36 AM. Reason: Grammar, punctaution, etc.
   
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Re: Never Give Up Hope! - March 1st 2012, 05:42 AM

Wow. Great story! Sucky life! Verrryyy happy you made it through!!!!! Maybe you should write a book and give it to her as a thankyou gift or some gift. She'd apreciate that.
And... Thanks for sharing your story. It is an inspiration.


"If I could just unzip my skin, step out of this body, then I would see who I really am. -Wintergirls

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Re: Never Give Up Hope! - March 1st 2012, 06:17 AM

Thanks, and that's actually not a bad idea....I'd need a printer because my handwriting hasn't improved since I've learned to write haha. This was my way of closure I guess. I've been clean since Feb. 4th which doesn't seem like much, but it's longer than any other time I've tried to quit. Also I didn't have my Angel there to help me along. Literally, and metaphorically haha her names Angel. Never been religious myself.

There was so much more I wanted to type, but it was getting late. Maybe another time. If anyone ever needs anyone to talk to, or advice on getting off drugs just drop me a line on face book! The names Dylan Pope if you didn't catch it
   
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