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shanadian Offline
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Name: Shannon
Age: 26
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Join Date: April 19th 2009

I'm depressed but I won't accept advice. - March 4th 2012, 02:34 AM

Just to warn you, this is very long. And probably a waste of your time.

I'm extremely depressed these days and I'm not really talking to anyone about it.

I alternate between being very arrogant and having very low self-esteem. I'm arrogant about my intellect but other than that I think I'm worthless because I'm lazy, not exceptionally good-looking, physically much weaker than people years younger, and I have bad habits.

I'm trying to base my self-esteem on choices I've made, on things I can control about my life. Little choices like whether to text a friend or big choices like trying to attend school. If, for instance, I made a choice to help someone who needs assistance, I would feel good about myself for doing that. I feel good when I give presents.

Problem is that I hate pretty much every recent choice I've made. I'm terrible to my friend(s), I haven't attended school since last November (I'm supposed to be a senior in high school), I'm not taking care of myself (bad diet, very sedentary, not showering often enough), and I'm not even spending time doing stuff I like at home. I like writing. I want to be a writer. I spend all my time at home, but I haven't even worked on planning a novel in weeks. I don't do anything to help out around the house and I'm not taking care of our chickens which are sort of mine. I don't have a job or a license and I'm not even trying to get either. I spend most of my waking hours on the computer and sometimes I don't even understand how I managed to sit there and accomplish nothing.

I have exactly one friend I see in real life. My best friend moved away and I wasn't paying enough attention to him anyway. He says he's still my best friend but I sometimes don't believe it because I ignore him so often. I feel terrible about that because it must hurt him. The one friend I do see in real life is... well, it's a complicated relationship for me and to be honest I want to stop dealing with him because we hurt each other emotionally without meaning to. If I did stop hanging out with him, though, I would literally have no close friends other than on the Internet. Plus, in his words, "everyone leaves [him]." I'm the only person who hasn't. I've been there for years and he'd probably survive if I left him but maybe he couldn't handle it. I probably couldn't handle it if I didn't talk to him again.

So that's why I'm miserable and I feel like I'm worthless/useless/etc.

There's even more, though.

1. Even though I know that I could try to change, I don't try. I don't know if it's because I'm lazy or because I can't. But it makes me hate myself more, so it's a vicious miserable cycle.

2. I talk to the few friends I have when I'm upset, and sometimes they give me advice, but for whatever reason, I have this compulsion to be contrary. Even if they give me good advice or say something optimistic to cheer me up, I just compulsively find excuses to disregard what they say. I don't outright say they're wrong but I automatically say "Well, that won't work because [reason]."

I do that to people I don't know, too. Such as on Teenhelp. I was really upset and crying last night and I wanted to talk to someone but I didn't come here because I do the same to people here. I don't want to waste people's time by telling them my problems and then nothing they can say will help. That's not just a waste of time, too. That's emotionally upsetting to anyone who actually cares about me.

I think I just want people to say "Well, I don't know how to help you" so I have an excuse to continue being the way I am. I want attention and I'll get very upset and express that but I don't know what I want people to say. I can't think of what would really comfort me. Sure, there are things that I like (certain TV shows, certain foods, etc.) that cheer me up for a bit but those are material things and the cause of my emotional distress is still roaming free.

Speaking of TV shows, I don't know if this is normal but I feel like I might honestly care more about a certain actor than about people I claim to love. My remaining real life friend? I have loved him very deeply for years. That love is kind of dissolving, but he's still the person I care about most in my life (which shows how much I care about everyone else). But I feel like I might care about this particular actor more. I don't know if most people go through celebrity crushes like this normally. I've had celebrity crushes before but I knew it was a crush and of course I still loved people I actually knew more. But now, this actor might be taking up more of my emotions than anyone else. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion but it feels that way and I feel bad for feeling legitimately in love with someone I've never met. It seems immature and pathetic.

I think I just really needed to write out all of my troubles and what's bothering me. I've probably never managed to say all of this at once before. I feel terrible and I wish I could change but for some reason I'm not, and I wish I could take advice but for some reason I don't. It's a little hard for me to say all this because in all honesty it's probably not going to accomplish anything because I don't listen to anyone. I feel bad for wasting your time but I am posting this in the hopes that this time I'll listen to someone's advice or someone will say something that gets through to me.

In case anyone cares, yes, I do take meds for depression and I'm seeing my psychiatrist in a few days, probably to increase dosage. And yes, I do go to counseling.
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Open my eyes
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Re: I'm depressed but I won't accept advice. - March 5th 2012, 06:32 PM

You know, when you are depressed, the most common thing is to "become lazy and not wanting to see anyone", it's not like you're giving up on anything or anyone, but it's a side effect of this, let's call it, illness. As I was reading your writing, I noticed you appreciate this friend and, obviously, you don't want to leave him alone. OK, so you might have had a crush on him, but you can also love people in other ways, that is, you can love him as a friend and that will keep you sticking to him no matter what, and he'll do the same thing with you if he really cares.
Sometimes we need to hit the ground to open our eyes and realize we MUST change, but some others it's just the little steps we take everyday which makes us become that what we've always wanted to be, because you can't do it altogether and you should know that. Most of the times it's what prevents us from leaving behind that thing which is killing us on the inside, it might seems too much of a big deal and, in fact, it is, but the perspective changes when you advance little by little.
You show a conflict with the advice thing... so now, I won't give any, all I can offer you is myself, it's all I have and I'll listen to you any time you need to be heard, and I'll give you advice if you need to.

Fear Cuts Deeper Than Knives

"And if you told me 'go to the hell', I'd tell you I know pretty well that place"
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
shanadian Offline
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Re: I'm depressed but I won't accept advice. - March 6th 2012, 04:28 AM

Thank you.
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