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-   -   Why can't I hold onto life? (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-depression-suicide/t96557-why-cant-i-hold-onto-life/)

dani99 March 6th 2012 04:04 AM

Why can't I hold onto life?
 
I try and I try to keep a grip on my life, but it keeps slipping away from me. It's like I can't control it and it's so frustrating. I've been depressed and stressed for years and years and year. The stress actually started when I was a toddler. But the thing is, lately for the last few months it's been really bad. I haven't gone back to self harm or suicide attempts, but my life seems out of control.

I keep wanting to blame god for everything. My grades are dropping, my grandpa is on his death bed, I lost my baby to a MC, I'm getting more and more annoyed at my boyfriend like I can't control my anger but I bite my tongue and all that stress builds up and makes me hate myself. I mean I'm so alone, too, and I have no friends and nobody ever wants to hang out with me.

I want to cry and I want to die, but I promised I wouldn't. I feel like it would be so easy to give up but I'm not going to.

I love looking at things from a phycological stand point and I think my depression and my fear in life and all of this trauma that I've had in the past has given me PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder ). Lately I've been getting terrible memories that seem so real like I'm reliving the past and I can feel all of the pain and sadness and horror. I can't move and reality just becomes nothing to me, like it doesn't exist.

It's like there is no way out and my mom isn't getting me help. I don't know what to do anymore, and I don't know how much longer I can take this madness.

dani99 March 9th 2012 10:48 PM

Re: Why can't I hold onto life?
 
Not to mention my grandpa is no longer on his death bed, but has passed away. Please, can someone help me?

ALLorNOTHINGforCHRIST March 9th 2012 11:18 PM

Re: Why can't I hold onto life?
 
Hey, First of all I am sorry about your grandfather. Remember it is OK to cry. It is even OK to not believe it. My grandmother (dad's mom) died the middle of last month and I am STILL grieving some and it took me days to actually believe it. As for your grades, I would talk to your teachers if you are struggling in a subject or even tutoring.
Your boyfriend I would talk to him and see if there is a reason he is behaving the way he is. If you need to, sometimes breaking up is the best or "taking a break". As for your baby, again I am sorry, sometimes MCs happen. You can talk to the doctor and see what, if anything caused it.
Feel free to PM me to talk.

dani99 March 10th 2012 04:36 AM

Re: Why can't I hold onto life?
 
The MC happened in the first trimester and also was a few months ago, I'm gussing it was due to abnormalities in the chromosomes. But still, it's like nothing is going right. I keep wondering to myself what the point is to live if no matter how much help I try to get and how hard I try to be happy I'm still depressed and suffering. I've tried everything I love to do and more to get my mind off of the depression but no matter what it always comes back to me wanting to just die. I don't want to live with the pain. The therapy nor any kind of anti depressant has helped me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel hopeless, like there is no way out.

I put on my happy face everyday and say how much happier I am. But really, its been years and years and years. It's hard to make it through to day. My boyfriend tells me "Oh well" and "You have no choice." He doesn't understand how weary and helpless I feel. I feel as if I can't move on but I have to, and I'm so exhausted. He believes that if I want to enough and if I try enough I can be strong. But he doesn't understand that I have pushed myself way way passed my limits and if I try as much as I am any longer I might break. The panic and anxiety is eating me alive.


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