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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
A lost wolf
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Name: Jessica
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Location: Georgia, USA

Posts: 352
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Join Date: January 14th 2010

Falling Apart - March 8th 2012, 12:38 AM

I'm struggling to hold myself together. I feel so unwanted and every time I start to explain even part of why to someone they don't understand at all.

I am so tired of my mom trying to control every part of my life. If I don't do what she wants she says she will never talk to me again and I know she will go through with it. That's the way she is and she has perminately alienated people before. She has also been abusive when I started acting out against what she wanted. She still goes through all my stuff and throws away what she does not want me to have. I am 20, and she used to be sooo much worse. I don't want to loose the only mom I have, but I hate this. Then she guilt trips me saying how I should be grateful for her being around because she helps me out sooooooo much (she barely pays for me to have food to eat and SOMETIMES bare necessities) which I am glad she does that much but she also says I am selfish because she can't do anymore (she could, but she spent all her money in college, does not use her degree and then used the rest to take a break from work, decided now that she has run out she won't work full time because of a back problem that the doctors say does not exist and so she lives with my grandfather so she doesn't have to).

My dad used to mean everything to me. He used to fight with my mom about me. He used to come get me when I needed him to and calm her down when she started chasing my around the house and controlling me to the extreme to where I literally sat and stared at four walls all day everyday unless I was at school. But he changed and got angry because he wanted me to leave her and I was too afraid. Once he married my step mom all he ever started doing was calling me names and telling me how stupid, irresponsible and pathetic I am. The person who was supposed to make everything better in the end made everything worse. I still hold onto the hope he will change but every time I try to talk to him I am either sounding naive, rude, not talking enough, or just something is completely wrong. Everything I do is wrong. He also started blaming me for things my MOM did. Things I had no control over. I mean, how can I control HER actions? He says he wishes things were different between us, but he never calls me, texts me, or wants to see me. He blew me off to be with his girlfriend on Thanksgiving and refused to come to my high school graduation because I was being mean. Everyone says I am lucky to have my dad, but uhhh... where is he? I know I still have a chance to change things, but this doesn't change the fact that I feel completely unwanted. Can you really blame me? Yes I tried talking to him about it, but he yelled at me and said I'm selfish for being hurt and he is the only one who should be hurt. I'm not exaggerating either. Those were his words.

On top of that, my best friend completely left me, I've never had a good relationship where I wasn't cheated on, physically abused, or something not far from it. Not to mention other events which I won't say. My last relationship (it's on and off, I am trying to break away), he just lied to me constantly, did all kinds of things behind my back (drugs and stealing), and forgets everything. He does not know when my birthday is, what high school I went to, what I am going to college for, nothing like that. Not a damn thing and it's been close to two years. To me this says he has absolutely NO interest. But like my mom, I feel like I am being manipulated because he constantly tells me how hard he is trying and how he cannot help it and blah blah blah. And so badly I don't want to give up on him but at what point to I say, I don't care how much you say you love me, because you don't do this stuff to people you love. I think my need for someone to be around for once in my life is over-riding my common sense.

Sorry this was so long. If you read it all, thank you so much. I just feel so alone and unwanted. I don't see any point in life at all.

Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Solivagant Offline
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Re: Falling Apart - March 11th 2012, 12:16 PM

Hey there Jessica

I am really sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. You don't deserve this. You deserve to be around people who love you for who you are and who care for you.

Originally Posted by BlueWolf View Post
I think my need for someone to be around for once in my life is over-riding my common sense.
I can really relate to that. Because of that feeling, I lost my self respect and even some respect in front of my mother. But you know what, it is okay. The mistakes we make while feeling like that, it is okay. We only learn something from them. There is nothing lost. I did get back my self respect eventually.

Right now, I think you need to take charge of your life and stop letting others manipulate you. You mother, father, boyfriend, they all have their aspirations. But right now, you need to take care of your aspirations. What you want from life. Like about your boyfriend, it is clear that he is not treating you well. And you deserve much better than him. Maybe you should end it once and for all, no matter what sweet things he says to make you change your mind. Go out, meet new people. People who'll treat you better than this, who'll treat you the way you deserve, who'll make you happy. Take charge.

As for your dad, you need to talk to him. About everything that has happened. Sometimes when you're both calmed down, have a chat. Face to face. Talk about everything, from your childhood and how things changed, why they changed, how you want things to change again, for better this time. He sounds like a nice person, like he loves you, maybe this talk would do both of you good. There is nothing to loose.

Basically you need to take charge, stop letting others manipulate you. Do what you want to do in life, be who you want to be and not what others want you to be. Set short-term and long-term goals. Short term goals like maybe the movie of your favourite actor, fresh rain, snow, a roadtrip, baking cookies. Long term goals like getting married, having children. Check out the reasons to live.

Its your life Jessica. You have to start doing things that make you happy. Go out, get a new hobby, take a walk in the park. Do stuff. Be happy, because you deserve nothing less than that.

Things will get better one day. Even if it seems like they never will. It is worth holding on till then.

My PM/VM's are always open for you.
Stay strong <3

"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it."

-Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
silent winter Offline
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Name: Colette
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Re: Falling Apart - March 12th 2012, 09:22 PM

hey Jessica,

I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through this. I know how it feels when it seems that no one is ever their for you. It's not easy. Try to do things that are fun and make you happy. Also try to spend time with people that make you happy when you're around them. Sometimes all you can do to hold yourself together is laugh. Find a joke book and save the ones that make you laugh the most. I hope things get better for you. Stay strong.
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