I don't want to be alive. I know people might say its selfish to kill myself and stuff or that I havn't even lived yet but I just feel like I'm done. I honestly think the best part of my life happend. Growing up I was just thrown back and forth between my parents because they couldn't stand me and my siblings and since I was 9 I've pretty much taken care of myself. Everytime I talked to my parents all they ever tell me is that I won't amount to anything and all I will ever be good for is laying on my back. When I finally graduated highschool, I moved to San Francisco and started going to school. It was the happiest I've ever been and it only got better when i fell in love with Brendan Hellar. We moved in together and talked about getting married and everything. It was amazing, I finally understood what people meant when they say you just know when you know and I knew. I was so sure he was the one, I had a great job doing exactly what I wanted, my apartment was great, the city was right there, I loved my life. I thought I was going to be happy forever, but of course I was wrong, according to everyone around me I terrible and awful so it was only natural that I lost all of it. My boyfriend left, kicked me out of the apartment, I couldn't afford school anymore, I lost my job, everything all at once. So I had to come back to the shitty town I grew up in and back to a family who all just said "I told you so". Its been about two months now and I'm trying to pick myself back up and save money to get my life back on track but I have no support and no friends. Brendan was my best friend and he's just not the person I thought he was now, he won't even talk to me. All my family does is blame me for all they're problems and tell me everyday how horrible and worthless I am.
I know this is getting long but I really want someone to understand...
I worked really hard to get where I was and I think I could do it again, I did it once right. But I just don't want too. I feel like I'm gonna be alone forever I found the one and he doesn't want me, I'm in a lot of debt from school, I don't have friends, no one cares about me and I don't care. Seems like everyone would benefit from me dying, my mom even said they'd get insurance money from it. I just don't see a point in living I had my good life and now its gone and its never coming back.
I've come to accept that and I really just want to die now, I'm ready for it.
Last edited by Kate!; March 11th 2012 at 03:25 AM.
please don't. you can be happy again you just have to fight for it fight like no other. and if people want you gone punish them by living by showing them you can make a happy life for yourself. try to think of one person to live for. and try thinking about how many people you can help down the road. you can make it. and btw i don't know you but I CARE!
Those are some sick, messed up parents. I'm sorry. No parent should treat their child that way, it's wrong. No one should treat ANYONE that way. That's horrible, what you're going through.
Things will change for the better...if you allow it. I can't help you with the debt...but with Brendan...I can try to help. So you think he was "the one" ? If he was the one, you would be with him. He's not the one. Your guy is probably still out there, searching for you. Don't give up.
And your family, I say, if you are being honest in your description of them, don't let them get you upset. It's cruel to tell someone that they're worth nothing. It's also a lie.
You are definitely worth something.You're not worthless. You have a purpose and killing yourself will most likely screw that up. The ripples created by your decision to kill yourself will change the future...mess up the future...you're like a puzzle piece: without you there's a gaping whole in the picture,something missing.
I promise. You are loved, you are needed, you are not worthless, and the clouds will clear away if you let them. I promise.
- Collies R Us aka Ally
"Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the LORD your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NRSV of the Bible)
thanks..... I don't know what to do, I'm tired of trying to feel different and I something in me just tells me things aren't gonna happen for me. I have no hope, nothing to look forward too. I thought about seeing a therapist or something..do you think thats a good idea??
That is a really good idea! It will lift a weight off your shoulders, if only temporarily, But this time will allow you to work out where you want to go The only way is up from here and it is possible, you said yourself that it is. Believe in yourself, you did once before and it worked out so well for you. You should try again and a therapist could really help with this.