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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Suki
Age: 30
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Join Date: February 27th 2012

The Beginning of the End Began at the Beginning - March 12th 2012, 07:08 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This is my first post on here, I've joined previously a few years ago, but never did much with it, unsure why not, I guess I just didn't feel like taking the time. I admit, I feel like I'm pretty much just typing this out so that I can hopefully get it all out of my mind. Any time that I journal, I end up just ripping up the pages, whether it's because I don't like how the words look on the page, or if I change my mind about what I've written. Anyways, hopefully I can prevent that frustration by using this instead.

Hard to know where to begin, lately I've been considering life, I dunno, not much feels worth doing anymore. It's not that I can't look around me and see what I could be finding joy in, and it's not that I can't comprehend the merit in the words of others telling me that the purpose of life is simply to live it and try to find happiness in the day-to-day. I always get annoyed when people doubt my comprehension of what they are telling me when it comes to these subjects. I can compare the situation to Thanksgiving, there's a family surrounded around a nicely-cooked turkey, and everyone is digging in, but off to the side there's one person who's not eating and everyone asks them why they don't want the turkey because it tastes so delicious, and all they can say is that they don't want it. Maybe they liked it once, or maybe they never did, but the point is that they don't want it, and no one can seem to get that. That it's just another choice.

Bad analogy. Anyways, I understand the beauty in the world and life, but it just doesn't mean anything to me, it just doesn't "feel" very much anymore, it's like a dense fog that's clouded everything, and even for the brief periods that that haze lifts, it just doesn't look like it once did, not to me, I bet it's the same, but to me, it just no longer is important.

I've been previously diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and I have an obsession with psychology,at one point I wanted to work at a crisis center, partly because I wanted to learn more about the process, and partly because I've been to one and thought I'd have a deeper perspective that could help other patients. Anyways, been to cognitive therapy, so I can internally analyze my own situation with myself, and it's like walking around in a big circle in my head, but it doesn't matter what techniques I could do, because I just end up here either way.

Lately everything just feels like a drawn-out drudge to the inevitable end, and it's not that my life is terrible, because it's not, my life's actually pretty easy and nice, and comfortable, I just personally don't care about it anymore, it just feels like a waste of time, and I know how that sounds, who cares if I'm wasting time if I already admitted it's just a walk to the end, right? I dunno, it just feels bothersome anymore, I just don't care anymore. I know other people care a lot about me and my life, which is the only thing I feel like I'm alive for, but honestly, I think it's equally selfish for other people to ask someone to be alive who doesn't want to be. I hate hearing that suicide is selfish. It's just another decision, no different(in my eyes) than someone having an affair, or having a baby, I'm not saying that it isn't hurtful to those you leave behind who care,but when someone cheats on you it hurts, when someone lies it hurts, people hurt people all the time, and this doesn't seem any worse to me than any of those things.

Maybe you think that I'm just trying to justify it to myself, and you're partially right, I probably am, but then again, I already admitted I'm only alive to keep others happy at this point, so you already know it matters to me not to hurt people, at least a little bit. People are so manipulative.

I just have no goals, and no desire to obtain any, and even when I make goals, they disappoint me. People are frightening to me as well, they're messy, and the obligations are suffocating. Everyone is in one way or another self-absorbed(obviously, right?), so I have a very hard time listening to others' motives.

I know, I know. Part of depression is losing interest in things, and not feeling as much, and so on and so forth. I just loathe the idea of going through the psychiatric process again, of obtaining help, and being on meds, and having everyone walk on egg shells around me. Also, last time wasn't very helpful, sure, it was easier to be hopeful then, everything was so new and shiny and so much false-hope, but no one can help you if you can't help yourself, they can lead you to the water, but they can't force you to drink.

There is beauty in life and in love, and yes maybe eventually things can at least for a while feel important again, but in the end, why bother? I don't mind throwing it all away, and that's why everything feels empty, because I am empty. In the end all the beauty is lost on me if my brain just doesn't find worth in it. Who can make something worthwhile to you, but yourself. What if you don't want to find worth in anything? I have found worth before, such temporary band-aids.

Sorry in advance for dampening anyone's moods. This is merely a confession of how I feel, nothing more and nothing less, I just wanted to get it out there. Out of me. Out to some unbiased people.
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Re: The Beginning of the End Began at the Beginning - March 13th 2012, 01:12 AM

Ppppfhht. (That was a horsey noise kinda sigh, just to clarify...). You have me stumped on this topic...I'm usually good with telling off suicide but this is different...

You know, in a way you remind me of my sister who can get randomly depressed for no reason. And also like you she says she doesn't care...about a lot of things.

Things that people usually care about...like, (I don't know what religion you are, if any, so don't take offense to this) we got on the topic of God and she basically told me that she believes in Him but she doesn't care...that blew my mind...she claims she doesn't care what happens to her after she dies...she doesn't care about God...?

Just, usually people are freaked out when they think of what happens when we die. It's naturally scary! I mean, those that don't know Jesus...like I did in 3rd grade when Mom decided to drop the bomb on me by telling me about Hell but leaving out the part about JESUS! AHH! I was scared to death at the thought of dying! It took me years to actually work up the guts to even start thinking about God. Thanks sooo much Mom...oh, well. I know now...

But anyway, I'm realizing that I have no idea where my ramblings are going with this.

I can't really tell you to start caring...I can help people to believe but to make people care has got to be twice as hard. And I have no idea what you're going through so it feels wrong to give you empty advice.

I guess...like my sister, have you thought of the other aspect of this problem? Have you weighed the consequences? Do you care about anything or are you like my sister?

You do have a purpose in this world. I promise you. Taking yourself out will set off ripples which would change many peoples' lives...you are like the jigsaw peice needed to make the picture. We are all here for a reason. So are you.
- Collies R Us aka Ally

"Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the LORD your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NRSV of the Bible)
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: The Beginning of the End Began at the Beginning - March 13th 2012, 02:27 AM

Your reply means a lot to me, because most people don't want to take the time to truly consider what I'm saying on this topic, they like to get preachy, and they get so caught up in what they believe is correct that they don't give any true response.

It's hard for me to understand truly, what someone who is religious might think/feel/worry about on the subject of suicide. I was baptized catholic, but my immediate family stopped being religious around when I was 7 and in truth, even after I'd explored the idea of God on my own, it just wasn't something that I adopted for myself. I know a lot of people turn to this during difficult times, but I(again) have never been able to feel anything about it and thus shut it out of my life. As for fear of a possible after death, I do find it err...awkward for lack of a better term to consider being unable to think. It's strange to think about not thinking. Impossible to imagine.

The sad part is, as I stated before, I have a good life, I'm supposed to get married on Friday to someone I've been with for over 5 years, I've got a good job doing something I enjoy(making sushi), and my family loves me. Somehow, despite all of that, though, I can't seem to feel anything about any of it. As for empty advice, I think no advice is unhelpful, unique perspective is extremely enlightening at times, and I'm grateful for it even if it doesn't help me at all personally, at the very least someone else may read it and they might be able to grow from it as well.

I have a capacity to care about things, even if at times I cannot reach that ability. It's like watching things happen, part of my brain can understand what I should be feeling in a certain situation, but it's hands-off, and I can't actually feel it. Sometimes it's the opposite and I can care too much, and either way it makes me question whether or not I want to live. I realize too much(especially being atheist) that to me, suicide is absolute, and that's most of what has kept it at bay for so long. The permanence. The inability to retract my decision.

As for having purpose, I guess anyone/everyone technically has purpose, but I don't feel that to me "life" has purpose. I've been debating this topic for weeks with my to-be husband(poor him, truly), but he doesn't relate at all. It's that, in truth, nothing sounds worth it, things could be worth it, but they don't feel worth it.

I'm not trying to be talked out of anything, because I haven't yet talked myself into anything. I'm just debating out loud, and I thank you for your perspective in this. I'm unsure how much like your sister I am or not, but thank you for taking the time to read my ranting.
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