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Name: Suki
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Blacksburg, VA

Posts: 9
Join Date: February 27th 2012

Exhausted - March 13th 2012, 10:43 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Feeling very intensely like not being alive right now, everything has the haze of numbness to it that dampens the mind and allows for drudging from place to place at an empty pace. About half an hour ago, everything hurt very badly, it was like I was scratching under my skin trying to break out, desperately trying to scream or cry and being completely unable. This chaotic burning that felt merciless. But now, it's hard to emote in general.
I guess I just feel exhausted. Of feeling, of trying, of living. I keep searching for my own personal reason to live, but honestly, I just don't see the sense in it anymore, I've been trying so hard to cheer up, and to find purpose, but I really don't want to anymore.
If I find the motivation I think I will commit suicide today, because I really don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to try to find the motivation to try again. It has gotten to the point that I don't physically want to move myself from place to place anymore, and even when I can cheer up, it is so strained. There's so much tension in attempting to find joy, and I just don't think that I can anymore.
Everything vaguely aches, everything is stress behind my eyes, the tears are there,but they won't give me the relief of falling, and my chest heaves, it is difficult to breathe. I keep having panic attacks when I think about going outside and dealing with people, I don't ever feel them beginning until they've fully hit, I can't breathe, I just choke out loud and shake back and forth. It's degrading because I drool on myself, and my eyes seep and seep endless tears and everything becomes fuzzy, it feels like I'll black out. I am so afraid of having panic attacks again, but anytime I think of dealing with life, it just happens. I feel very trapped within myself and this cycle of panic-self-harming chaos-depressing numbing suicide haze. I just want it to stop. I want everything to stop.
I don't know what will happen, I've been in this mess for about a month now, I've been overdosing on sleep pills to subdue my thoughts and to ignore life, and I got stomach ulcers which caused me to lose weight(which made me happy because I'm a recovering anorexic, and it started that flairing up again), and then I started to self-harm again after years of not having done so. I already have so many scars and now I'll have more. It just feels like it would be more peaceful to die. That's the part that scares me, I'm not afraid to die now, and I've been so miserable that as of now I have no regrets. I've been cleaning my apartment so that I don't leave a mess behind, earlier I thought I was attempting to make things nicer to live in, and now I think I was trying to make things nicer to die in. I dunno.
I'm just tired. That's it. I'm sick of dealing with myself. It's a constant struggle. Nothing feels worthwhile, and everything feels difficult. I can't get help until April 1st because that's when I'll have health insurance, and I don't think I can wait that long. I don't know if I want to go through that process again if it can just end up here. It's not worth it to me. I just don't care.
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Re: Exhausted - March 16th 2012, 06:09 PM

Hey Suki

I am sorry that you are going through all this. But honestly,you can do this. You were able to do it once and you can do it a thousand times more. You do have the strength inside you to make it through the tough times. You have proved it once.

I don't know why you hit this point again, but can it be because your issues weren't fully resolved last time? If that is the case, then try and resolve them completely this time. So that they don't ever trouble you. You can do this. I believe in you, and you should too.

I'd suggest taking up a hobby. Like cooking, dancing, singing, a new sport, anything. Don't put yourself in a shell. Move out of the house and make an effort no matter how hard it is. You must exercise. Take a walk, jog anything. It releases happy hormones. I find a walk early in the morning very soothing. Maybe you can try that. And also, talk about your feelings. Don't keep them in. Talk to someone if possible and if you're comfortable doing it. Call a hotline maybe.

There is a lot to live for. You're only 22. You have your whole life in front of you. Its not worth giving up. These tough times are temporary. They will be over. And beyond them there is sunshine and rainbows waiting to greet you and fill your life with happiness. You may not believe in this right now, but one day you will. I promise.

Set short term and long term reasons to live. Short term reasons like, maybe a movie of the actor you like, a concert you've been waiting for, the season that you like. Long term reasons like getting married, having kids. Check out the reasons to live. Find your reason to live. Make it your motivation. Write down your reason and put it up somewhere where you can see it everyday. Make it a point to see it first thing in the morning and last thing before sleeping at night if possible.

As for SH, check out the alternatives. We are all different. Our life stories, our reasons to harm ourselves are different. So every alternative doesn't work for everyone. Keep on trying till you find the one that works for you. Because you have to live. The fight will be worth it in the end. Even if it doesn't seem like it will be right now.

It is 17th March today. 1st April is really near. You've made it so far. Its just a few more days till you get help. Don't give up now. Fight till then lovely. You can do this. You can fight this. Believe in yourself. Think about the home you want to have. About all those things you want in your house. The furniture, the garden, the wallpapers. Keep holding on. It will be worth it in the end.

If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to PM/VM me anytime.
Take care and stay strong <3

"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it."

-Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
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