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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Viky Offline
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Lost the reason to live. - March 16th 2012, 12:19 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've heard it all before, think positive things - think positive things that you look forward to, think positive things about yourself - just calm down, take a breath, talk to a friend, get to sleep, SH if you have to in order to feel better, I've heard everything there is I'm fairly sure...and the worst part is i'm usually the one saying all of these things. The problem might be that i've just heard them too many times, i've used them so much they just don't work.
When you grow up being depressed for so many years, then you grow up a good third or so of that time being suicidal you have plenty of time to think, to find good things about yourself, others and the world. You have time to find things you look forward to, those little things that used to keep me alive, that used to keep me going no matter how often i was suicidal, the reasons to live whether it be friends, family, anyone.
I've thought about it for many years, five or six i suppose, dying that is. I've been depressed for nine years. I just started seeing a therapist. As she said, i've tried almost everything there is for Self Help. I know enough about self help and everything that i could probably, if i wanted, write a self help book. It's all hypocriticall of me though. I'm depresed. i self harm. I'm suicidal. I'll admit all that... But yet i speak out all the time that people should try to move past their depression, not SH and not kill themselves, I can give them all the reasons in the world why not to kill themselves except one. That's the one i believe could really help me.
I don't necisarily want to be saved. I want to die. i decided that a long time ago. (long being relative of course...it's all relative right?) I write this for those that don't want me to die, for those that still believe in me, and for my family. Even though my family may not act like they love me, even though often times i feel that even they wish i would just disappear for a little while, they care about me; I'd like to believe they would miss me. I'm asking for help, I'm taking time out of anyone's day who reads things for people like Dylan, Pratik, and Dee, those people I ask to live for me like the selfish person i can be.
I want to die because of all the pain in everything. I'm so depressed... sometimes i don't even see suicide as a way out at that time. It tears me apart, how numb i can get, how quickly my emotions can change. Heck a few hours ago I was smiling a little and having fun talking in French with Childish Giggle. I enjoyed that conversation like i do many that i have here on TH... but these little things that get me along through the day... What do they add up to? Clearly not enough to blance out my life and make me like the normal people i see sometimes...
...those that don't know the real meaning of depression...those that make me laugh because they used the word "depressed" like it means sad for a few moments... "I was so depressed because I don't have enough money to buy season three of Hetalia yet, but then i cheered up because my mum said she'd buy it for me for easter." Stuff like that... Even if they know what it means to be depressed, they don't act like it and they at least want to live.
What's the purpose of life? why are we here? if life is suffering what's the point? What does my life mean to anyone? Why do i have to suffer so much every single day of my life to figure it out either, when i may not even figure it out in my old age? What is the direct and or even indirect purpose of life in the first place? of my life? Why do we live? To take care of the earth... maybe... To admire everything "our creator" put on this planet, so there would be someone to see his/her/its work. Even if that is it, why am i alive? to help others... lately i can't even do that... Why am I alive?
I don't want to live if all there is is this pain, this suffering, me making anyone who reads this suffer because i'm affraid i'm going to make you all doubt life now too and I don't want that. But honestly... if that's all there is for me... depression, a few good times here and there, not knowing what it's like to be happy for more than a little while... then what's the point of me staying alive? I can't take this pain anymore you see... it's killing me. It's become who i am. And if all i am is depressed and helpless, lost and hopeless...what's the point?


   
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Re: Lost the reason to live. - March 16th 2012, 12:55 AM

Hi Victoria im Sara, i havent long been on the TH site, but i just noticed your post and thought you may like some advise or a friend maybe, You are only 15 and iu know things look bad now but you need to try to move on and make better of the situations your in and have more fun times as you mentioned, I also think that everything has a point and you need to take out of your life what you want and by that i mean you could do anything you set your mind to, job or school anything you want to become you can, and i dont want to kill yurself as you seem likea genuine caring young lady and i think you could do alot in your life to make you and others happy, i am here to help PM me add me as a friend as im always here for a rant or a chat
   
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Re: Lost the reason to live. - March 17th 2012, 07:07 AM

Hi Victoria. I know exactly how you feel. Up until a couple months ago I felt the exact same way. I would usually just try to do something every day whether it was going to the store or just having a good conversation with someone. It might help if you try to do something that distinguishes each day from the last.
I also don't want to push medication on you, but have you tried seeing a psychiatrist?
   
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Re: Lost the reason to live. - March 17th 2012, 07:46 PM

I've been trying to do that first part. and i just started seeing a therapist person... she said after about three sessions if i don't feel any better we can start talking to my mum about medications. i'm willing to try it. and thanks for replying btw


   
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Re: Lost the reason to live. - March 18th 2012, 08:37 PM

That's how I started out too. I didn't see a psychiatrist until 3 months after seeing a therapist. It's really great if the depression can go away with therapy but it think I'm just one of the people that doesn't have the chemicals to keep the depression away :/. If you do end up seeing the psychiatrist you might want to ask about Prozac cause it has really helped me and it doesn't seem to cause people side effects often.
   
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Re: Lost the reason to live. - March 18th 2012, 09:32 PM

Yeah my sister takes prozac so that's probably what i would ask for considering everyone i know that takes it seems to notice improvements Thank you by the way, again.


   
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Re: Lost the reason to live. - March 19th 2012, 05:30 AM

Your welcome I hope it helps.
   
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