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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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7 years - March 17th 2012, 07:47 PM

or being depressed and suicidal and self harming to the extent of needing stitches, causing 3rd degree burns and being hospitalised for overdoses. I cannot do it anymore. There is no goddamn cure for BPD. I'm going to be an emotional, irrational nutcase for the rest of my life and even if by some miracle, I do get rid of my personality disorder, I'll be dead by the age of 40 because my polycystic kidney disease will kill me off. I can't deal with myself anymore. I NEED to kill myself. It is the only option.
Is it ever okay for someone to put an end to their suffering? I realise it will hurt a lot of people, but I have been hurting for such a long time and it never stops. Grief gets easier over time. I don't want my mum to hate me for this.
   
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Re: 7 years - March 17th 2012, 09:06 PM

It's not the only option. Have you tried counselling/ therapy etc.? May be worth trying, or if you are already doing it then it may be worth finding a different therapist? You know what though, if worst comes to worst, you have 20 more years of your life. They could be the best years of your life, so don't waste them just yet, try and get help first
   
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Re: 7 years - March 17th 2012, 09:58 PM

I had counselling, done CBT, been on antidepressants and mood stabilisers. I'm currently doing DBT. My current therapist is nice, I dunno if the DBT is going to work though. I don't want another 20 years. I'm so sick of the pain, physical and mental. I want out. I can't look after myself anymore. It's too hard.
   
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Re: 7 years - March 18th 2012, 11:14 AM

If you keep working hard with the DBT then it will work. And you can look after yourself, it will be hard but keep pushing through, it will work.
   
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Re: 7 years - March 18th 2012, 09:22 PM

My dad went on holiday on friday morning and left me to my own devices. Since then I have drunk 2 bottles of wine, 7 cans of lager and a couple of shots of vodka. I have been binge eating constantly, self harmed twice and havent showered. Why should I bother to look after myself? I don't deserve to be looked after. Why can't I just fall apart? Why do I have to be the responsible one? I had to phone both my older brothers today to remind them that it's mothers day and our little brothers birthday this week. They both forgot. I'm sick of being the good one. I want to destroy myself so they can all see how messed up I really am. I want to rip my kidneys out because I am sick of them hurting all the time. I want to tear my face off and throw myself off a cliff. I just want all of it to end.
I am desperate to feel something good, but it never happens.
   
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Re: 7 years - March 18th 2012, 09:28 PM

It will happen, you've got to start believing that. You should bother to look after yourself so that when someting good happens you will be well enough to enjoy that time. I get that you want them to realise what you're feeling but i'm not completely sure how to do that if i'm honest. Is there anyone you can talk to at all?
   
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Re: 7 years - March 18th 2012, 09:49 PM

The only person who really knows anything is my DBT therapist. I'm seeing her on wednesday, but I don't feel all that comfortable telling her how suicidal I am incase she decides to get other people involved and there's obviously always the chance that they could section me if they think I'm a risk to myself.
   
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Re: 7 years - March 18th 2012, 09:53 PM

May be that's not such a bad thing, that sounds awful but it may well help you the most out of all other options, i don't know. Do tell her, she has to talk to you first before speaking to anyone, and it will not necessarily mean parents either. It could be another organisation that she speaks to that deal more specificaly with suicide etc. This sort of organisation could be great for you
   
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Re: 7 years - March 18th 2012, 11:14 PM

Ella, a couple of things come to mind here. First, there's a lot in between being the 'Good one'....and ripping your kidneys out. Maybe we can find some less extreme middle ground?

Second, how did you get that role in your family in the first place? Family's have what we call 'Dynamics'... it's a fancy, technical psychobabble word for how people's roles and relationships evolve and get played out. Think about the term 'Dynamic' in science, it refers to how things interrelate with each other..same idea. You being the 'Good one' evolved some how, do you know how that happened?

It's easier to take the next step..changing that dynamic and your role in the family...if you know, but it's not essential. What IS important is your ability to sit everyone down and explain to them exactly how you see your role and how you feel about it and what you need..for it to change. And how everyone needs to accept that and rely on you in a different way, to change their expectatons of you. They do what they do, Ella..as frustrating as that is...b/c you do what you do. You cannot directly change them, but you CAN change you and how you relate to them, what you do for them, and what function you serve for them.. And in so doing, you can facilitate a change in them. As they say, it takes two. And, it's a lot less messy than ripping vital organs out or going on benders.

Let's come up with a way for you to plan ahead what you need to say to them...


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Re: 7 years - March 19th 2012, 09:31 AM

Dr. Bobby
I guess when I was 14/15 and my mums kidneys began to fail was when I started having to look after everyone and stuff. We couldn't get any help from social services and my dad wouldn't help out (my parents are divorced), so I was forced to look after my mum and my younger brother who has severe learning disabilities because we didn't have any other options. My older brothers had moved out several years previous to this and only came down to help for a week when my mum had her transplant. I think they just had the luxury of getting out before things got bad. I havent even seen them in about 6 months and they only live an hour and a half away. The only reason I remind them about birthdays and stuff is because one year I didn't and neither of them even phoned my mum on her birthday or sent her a card and it really upset her. I will do everything I possibly can to make sure she is happy because she's the only person who hasn't let me down.

Gemma,
I know she can't let my family know - I made them write it on my notes that I do not under any circumstances consent to them contacting my family unless I die. Everything is done through my cmht, but to be honest, they'll probably never section me because I have capacity to know what I'm doing and the funding is so tight that its only the people who really need help who are going to get inpatient treatment.

It's probably safe to say that coming off my meds was not a good idea, but I'm not just going to give in and let them shut me up. I've been on antidepressants for nearly 3 years now and nothing ever gets better, only worse. So why bother? Happiness is a lie.
   
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Re: 7 years - March 20th 2012, 12:03 AM

Ok, So you've become the parentified child..you're the one whose taken on the role of then mum. and you've done this to compensate for mum not being able to do it, as well as your desire to see that she gets the attention and care you think she needs. So, you remind your brothers that they have to give as well as take, etc.

You have a couple of choices. One is to continue, primarily as a sign of devotion and appreciation to your mum...and forget entirely the utter lack of responsibility of your brothers...Or, you stop, and let them (and her) suffer the consequences..until they address it with each other.. If you can tolerate that. Which it doesn't sound as if you frankly are willing to, given your loyalties. So, maybe the real question is how to do what you do, and not get so stressed out about it.

People get themselves tied up, Ella, b/c they expect too much from others..usually b/c of their own needs. Yes, it would be great..and entirely appropriate..for your brothers to recognize their role in the family and to be responsible. But, that doesn't sound like it's happening, AND it doesn't frankly sound as if you're expecting it ('Expecting' and 'Wanting' are different!). So, if you can disengage from the second part there...you're (appropriate) desire for them to do right here, you might be better.

Also, I'm not sure about that bit there at the end about meds..where they helpful?


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Re: 7 years - March 20th 2012, 08:28 AM

Yeah, I definately feel like a substitute parent sometimes. I just get kind of sick of the fact that they're 8 and 10 years older than me so they're old enough to be responsible. I probably should just let it go, since its nearly a year until I need to remind them again, it just upsets me that they don't even bother to put it on their calendar or something.

The meds did stop me crying and made it a bit easier to concentrate on important stuff, but they made me feel defective, like if I needed to take medication just to go through one day without crying then I'm clearly just a hopeless case. I also get very paranoid that the government are trying to control us with psychotropic drugs, which is less upsetting when I'm not taking them.
   
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Re: 7 years - March 20th 2012, 05:52 PM

Ella, part of the reason they might not put it on their calendar is b/c they realize they don't need to, that you'll remind them. Remember, it takes two. That's why I suggested you talk with them about your unwanted role of being the mommie and subseuently giving them notice of your intention to quit.

The stuff about the meds, hun, is nonsense. It helps you feel better, then it's a good thing. Besides, we all know that the government's intrusion into personal decisions rarely results in the type of improvement you're getting from those meds.... Consider adding some talk therapy to it as well, you'd do well to get some support and encouragement, you're running on empty at this point and a refuel would help you feel better, especially since you're going thru a rough time there.


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Re: 7 years - March 20th 2012, 11:32 PM

I might just leave it and see what happens - either they'll pull their fingers out and do their bit, or they wont. My mum already knows that I remind them about everything.

I know the stuff about the meds sounds ridiculous, but something still seems off about them. I'll admit that the stuff about the government is probably no true, but I'm not entirely convinced. My odd thoughts fluctuate with my mood, so the worse I feel, the more paranoid I get.

I'm currently doing dialectical behavioural therapy, in fact I'm seeing my DBT therapist tomorrow, so I'll probably mention some of this if I can, since it's fairly obvious that I'm a lot worse than I was a couple of weeks ago.

Thankyou both for the help
   
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Re: 7 years - March 21st 2012, 11:00 PM

How are you doing after seeing your therapist?
   
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Re: 7 years - March 22nd 2012, 07:45 PM

Not too bad actually, although I did have a panic attack when she asked me to throw away my razors and other stuff that I self harm with. We came to an agreement in the end that I can self harm, but only a maximum of once in between now and when I see her in a weeks time. At the moment the focus is mainly on keeping me alive since my current plan is to overdose when I move into my own flat (in 10 days). I'm not sure if this overdose will be purely self harm or an actual suicide attempt but at the moment I am feeling as though I absolutely have to whether it's what I want or not. Last night was pretty bad, but I'm feeling okay today - I'm not even drinking! I think I might start taking my meds again, see if they can get me to a point where I'm not quite as unhinged as I'm feeling right now.
   
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Re: 7 years - March 22nd 2012, 07:52 PM

Hi Ella,

I can completely understand where you're coming from. It's been 7 years for me too, the self harming, overdosing and being hospitalised. Been diagnosed with BPD. Just wanted to say that you aren't alone with these feelings.
I am gradually getting a bit better, but I've felt how you've felt. I'm on meds and they seem to help. Is there any group therapy available to you? I go to 2 different groups and I find them really helpful.
What meds are you supposed to be taking?

Hope you're okay x
   
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Re: 7 years - March 22nd 2012, 08:29 PM

Thankyou, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I'm supposed to be on duloxetine (antidepressant) and ramipril (to control my blood pressure), but I've stopped both of them.

I go to group once a week as part of the DBT and have individual therapy once a week as well.
   
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Re: 7 years - March 23rd 2012, 04:54 PM

Maybe speaking to your doctor about going back on medication would be a good idea?
   
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