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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ARootlessTree Offline
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Name: Toz
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I don't see it anymore. - March 30th 2012, 06:28 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Nothing. All I feel like is nothing. A waste of space. I try to be upbeat and keep smiling, but I come back to my room at the end of the day and I lie down, and I shake for hours. I hurt myself again. Two days in a row. Third time recently. This is the first time I've done it in years. I can never make anyone happy. I can never be good enough. I met a girl that I connected with like none before. For two months, nearly three now, I've stuck with it. But no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I try to rise to the occasion, I'm not good enough. Ever.

This might be the last time I post here. I'm sorry for everyone I let down.

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Terry Offline
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Re: I don't see it anymore. - March 30th 2012, 07:24 AM

Toz, I don't know you much, we've talked maybe twice. I know life is fucking bleak at times, it's hard to think positive (and what a load of bull that can be), but as long as there's even a slight chance to ever be happy, there's still a reason to hold onto life. I personally have been in a very bad place for 8 years, and everything hurts at times. But once you find something worth living for and striving for, the shit becomes worth it all. I never thought I would say this, but since about a week ago I strongly do believe this. We're all going to die at some point. Like I said, there's no point cutting life short, you'll have all of eternity to be dead.

I can relate to that thing with the girl more than you could ever know, I have an affective dependency personality disorder and it's incredibly hard to cope with an overflow of feelings for people, and it manifests in incredibly short periods of time. Constantly having raging feelings and not being able to handle them. You ARE good enough, man. No one is better than the next guy. Don't consider things not going right to be detrimental to the person you are in any way.

I know it's not much, and I know everyone says the same thing, but I'm 100% genuine, I'll be here for you, I will support you, and I would love to have you as one of my close friends. I'm currently only alive because my friends make me feel important every day, and they've become my motivation to live. Making them happy makes my life worth it.

PM me any time, I will respond, and I will be the person sitting in chat with you through the whole night letting you know you aren't alone.

Self pity will not rescue you.
Sometimes we have to save our own lives,
not because no one else cares, but because no one else can.

Life for you has been less than kind
So take a number, stand in line
We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt
But how we survive is what makes us who we are.

Dreamed up the maps, give me the charcoal and the paper
We invent paths they cannot see, and they're too scared to walk

Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It's only after you've lost everything that you are free to do anything.

Last edited by Terry; March 30th 2012 at 08:31 AM.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Skeleton Offline
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Re: I don't see it anymore. - March 30th 2012, 08:35 AM

You're not a waste of space, nor are you not good enough because you are good enough. One person may not see that but there is a million others out that they will, believe me. As much as everyone may say it, things will get better and it's true. Times may be hard now but things can only get better, right? You need to carry on, stay strong and find something or someone that'll make you happy and help you through these tough times and eventually, you'll come out of it feeling happy and knowing that it was worth holding on and you'll also eventually meet someone, someone who you'll make extremely happy and someone who'll see you as more than good enough.

If you need anyone to talk to, my pm box is always open x
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Counted Heart. Offline
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Re: I don't see it anymore. - March 30th 2012, 08:35 AM

Hey Toz.

I've also only spoken to you a couple of times, but you didn't strike me as the type of person to give up. I can relate to feeling like nothing - but you know what? Instead of letting that get you down, use it as motivation. Keep working until you feel like something. I mean, sometimes it's on my worst days that I help people, simply because that makes me feel a little less useless, a little less worthless. You're not a waste of space, I can tell you that much. I mean, you're a Live Help Operator, right? That means you've helped people. That alone means that you're not a waste, that you're a good person.

It's all well and good to smile and laugh and act like everything's fine, but if that's all it is at the end of the day - an act - then it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate things. You know something's wrong, so do something about it. You've already reached out to us by making this thread, which is a good start, but you should do everything you can to help yourself. Open up to people in real life, and let them help.

When you say you can't make anyone happy - does that include yourself? Because sometimes you need to be able to make yourself happy to be able to do the same for others. Instead of thinking about what other peope want or expect, think about what you want. What would make YOU happy? Take some time out each day to do something you love, whether that's running, writing, reading, or anything else (that's safe, of course).

As for being good enough - there's a fundamental flaw in that argument. It implies that somehow you don't measure up, that there's a set of criteria you don't fulfil, which in itself is counter-productive. Don't compare yourself to other people. You're you, not them, so just be you. You're human, so it's okay to make mistakes and screw things up every once in a while. Don't let it get to you.

As a LHO I'm assuming you've seen the Reasons to Live thread before, but have you ever actually taken the time to read through it? You never know, you might find something there that's enough to keep you going. Sometimes little things are enough to help you find hope again.

You're also welcome to PM me, and I'll respond as quickly as I can. I may not know you that well, but I'd like to have the opportunity to get to know you better - so don't give up, okay? I know it sounds cliche, but things really do get better.

Take care.

let no science fix our path
if only numbers make its math.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
SM13 Offline
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Re: I don't see it anymore. - March 30th 2012, 10:52 AM

You are totally worth it and not a waste of space. People would be so sad if you died. I know I'd be sad and I don't even know you. If you ever need anything please PM me. I know it's short and I have more to say but I'm running late to school. I'll get more in later.

Best wishes
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Hollifire Offline
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Re: I don't see it anymore. - March 30th 2012, 11:21 PM

Tozzy <3

You and I have talked about this numerous times, and you even came to me last night after making this thread. Like I've said before, life isn't easy. There's going to be hard times, even periods of pain, that we never feel like we'll get through, but we do. I know I can't make everything disappear for you, and I know I can't get you to see how amazing you are, but I know for a damn fact that you are worth it. You're worth this life, you're worth being happy, you're worth everything.

What's this nonsense about you not being good enough? You know deep down that you are. Even if you can't see it right now, I know you're intelligent enough to realize that suicide isn't the answer. Life's a bitch, a cruel bitch, but you're so good enough, you can do this.

I honestly wish you could see what I see when I look at you. I would give anything for that to happen. Hell, I wish you could see what anyone sees when they look at you. I know your excuse is always 'I'm just text on a computer, you don't know me.' But like every single time when you say that to me, that's not true. You're this amazing, funny, intelligent, caring, sweet, passionate, sarcastic, blunt, honest guy. I absolutely love talking to you & I know I'm not the only one. You always make me laugh & smile, and it would be a shame if you weren't in my life anymore. I would miss you more than you know. All of us would.

Like I said, I can't make this feeling of nothing-ness go away for you. However, I can comfort you, talk to you, help in any way possible to make it more bearable. There is a light at the end of the tunnel & you just need to keep reaching for it. I'll be here every step of the way, holding your hand, until you find yourself again. You will get through this.

I love you, and I care about you so much.



x See the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets x
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