SO confused to what I want but it might just be a cut [Updated!]

[RoxyGirl]

I dunno I haven t cut in a long long time. BUt i can t stand this. I know I have my daughter RUThy and that if my daughters father ever found out he would have DCF take her away from me .. and i would just die.. but i dunno what to do. I have apt for a pyschristist but it is not till the 20. I just want to feel the cut maybe it will sting and then maybe i will cry. Maybe i just need to do it to relize my stress. My boy friend know i am having issues depression and suicidal and self harm thoughts ...all he say is............ if you do it their going to take her away.!!!!! I want to cut so badly. but i don't want to have hide it from him. I post a blog something along this. i think I am in love him, he say the same thing to.. but how can i love him when i hate me. I feel responcable for alot of stuff that happened to me. I just want to just or burn. I still self harm . i ll pick at scabs but it isn't enough pain. I just want to feel pain so maybe i can tell if i am inlove ... this sound so messed up. I have razor blade but thas prob won't be enough. I can't cut tho i d be so scared that i cut to deep and bleed to death. but maybe thats what i really want. I dunno what i realy want . I can't make up my mind. I feel so bad. I feel like such a bad mother but i put a front up in front of her so she doesn't see me but when she does things to make me happy i feel like she already knows i am upset even tho i am smiling.....................

[Gidig]

Hey-

This is a hard place to be in. Getting in to the psychiatrist is a really great step, and I'm really proud of you for doing that, you can call and tell them it's rather urgent, and if there is a cancellation to have them call you, most professional places will be fine and know what to do when you ask this.

For now, take a look at the Alternatives and Distractions thread and try those when you feel like self harming. It takes a lot of work to keep yourself from self harming, but you can do it. =)

Just keep remember why you don't want to self harm, remember that every time you get the urge.

Stay safe!
Maria.

[*Jen*]

Hey Roxanne,

You have done great to have not cut in a long time. Has anything in particular helped you in this time not to self harm? If so perhaps it could help you not to beat these urges. You sound like a really strong person who has got through some hard times without self harm. You don't have to self harm Roxanne, you can fight this. Think of how much better you will feel once you have fighted the urges. Try talking to your boyfriend maybe about how much you are struggling at the moment with your urges to self harm. He could be really supportive and help you through this. It often is a huge weight off you when you have someone to lean on when things are tough. Like Maria suggested try and change the appointment with the psychiatrist. If you just explain to them that you are struggling at the moment and so want an earlier appointment they should be understanding. I hope all goes well and you manage to do this. I am here for you if you ever need anything. Stay strong :-)

[RoxyGirl]

Thanks to everone who replied to my thread. I got through and didn't cut. My daughter helps me not to cut, I just think about how strong I nedd to be for her. I did get in to a doctor apt, my primary doctor and gave me some meds for the panic attack . I still have that apt with the pyschritist on the 21 and this will help me until then. so thanks everyone!!!!!

[Katrina]

Hey Roxanne! [: Quick note: Welcome to the boards! I'm Katrina. Hope to see you around in the future! I'm so glad you received the help you needed and were able to pull through this urge. I know it took a lot of strong will and effort, so very good job and a pat on the back for that. I think it's awesome that you're looking to your daughter for a bit of inspiration to get through an urge such as this one you described. Also, I'm very happy for you, that you've been able to get yourself to a doctor for some panic attack medication! I bet that's going to help you a bunch next time. Good luck with the psychiatrist on the twenty-first.

Maria and Jen, your help is appreciated. [: Since it looks like the problem has been solved, I'm actually going to close this thread. However, if you need any more help with anything, Roxanne, please don't hesitate to post another thread and we'll be happy to answer it to the best of our ability!