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chocoluver12 Offline
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Help - July 18th 2012, 07:26 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't know if I can take it anymore. My parents divorced when I was younger, my mum found a new man when I was 9, we moved to England, 2 years later when the relationship failed we moved back. During my 11+ I started self harming, now at 13 my SH has gotten worse, and I don't know what to do.

These past few months have been tough, my mum told me of for not reaching my target national curriculum level which was decided by a computer on a test I did in Y7. It hurt because I had been working hard, maybe not my hardest in all subject but i worked harder than I did before.

When I got my report, it had my target level, my overall end of year level, my attitude/organization grade, and my end of year final exam level. My mum yelled at me because she felt I didn't make half my target grades, but I don't think it was fair. Why? because I felt she totally bypassed all my good grades and just focused on my bad grades. It felt like she was nit picking because she picked the worst grade from my final exam or my end of year and compared it to my target grade. She yelled at me when I didn't make my french target even though I improved a whole level from last term (equivalent to moving from an E to D grade at GCSE, but, i'm in Y8). She yelled at me for not making my target grade in my exam in English even though i made it in my overall year grade because i've been doing well all year and it was ONE bad day.

I was so upset at her telling-off slash lecture, all i could think about when she was yelling at me was a pencil sharpener blade hidden in my toilet. As soon as it was over a just went to my bath room and just cut my self on my thigh over and over again under my shorts, I also cut my arm once just to see the blood. Too much blood from all the scars, scared me a lot. She walked in on me because she heard me crying and she saw the bloody tissues. She asked where the cut had come from and I said my arm (just the one scar), i said I accidently scratched myself and she bought the lie and just told me off for "playing with blood". Then she went off on a lecture saying how she knows me so well, and I was just thinking how can you know me so well when it is so damn obvious what i've been doing for the past 2 years, well, obvious to anyone who pays attention. My friend noticed, although she didn't say anything until I told her about it when we we close. What should I do? it's summer now so...
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Chuuya Offline
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Re: Help - July 18th 2012, 04:35 PM

Hey there,

I'm so sorry that you're struggling right now. Dealing with a divorce is hard, and I'm really glad that you asked for help. Although I don't know what sort of test this is, tests like that are usually really stressful, and don't beat yourself over it. You still have a lot of time to get better grades, you yourself said, it was one bad grade. Just learn from it and try again.

It sucks when you get a bad grade, because sometimes people get angry, like your mom. It sucks but it happens, and I know how you feel when you say she bypassed all the good grades and just looked at the bad ones. My parents use to do that all the time. Now, don't feel like you have to get the good grades for your mom. Get them for yourself. You should talk to her about how you feel too. When she's in a good mood and calm, just sit down with her and tell her. When you get a good grade, maybe go home and share it with her, over dinner or something!

As for the self harm, it's difficult, but you can get through it. You just have to try and stay strong. I do recommend you talk to your mom about it, since she already has an idea of it, or you can talk to a counselor, or a teacher. I know it's summer, but if your school has a website, you can maybe get one of their emails and email them about it? Another thing you can do is use alternatives. Here's a list that might come in handy: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...ves-self-harm/ Now don't get discouraged if the first few you try don't work, just keep trying to find a few that do work!

I hoped this helped a bit. If you ever need anyone to talk to, you can always message me. Please stay strong and take care!

"You'll have to decide for yourself. Walk on your own. Move forward. You've got a strong pair of legs, Rose. You should get up and use them."
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chocoluver12 Offline
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Re: Help - July 19th 2012, 08:40 AM

The thing is, i'm not dealing with the divorce right now. I came to terms with it when I was 2 years old. And my mum doesn't understand my whole cutting thing, she really does believe I scratched my self to hard and I squeezed the blood out of the cut because I was looking for attention or something :/ I hid the blade under my rug when she came it.

I'm just scared for next year because she said if I don't reach my end of year target grade in term 1 them she'd take my computer away, but the thing is, my cutting would be so much worse without it because it is a distraction. I know the easy answer is work harder, but how the hell does she expect me to reach my end of year target for Y9 in just 1 term?

I'm not to sure how to talk to her though... because everytime I talk to her we end up fighting and I just end up trying to find a sharp object to cut. Plus everytime i talk to her about grades she's insistent that I was making excuses and that it was my "teacher's target grade" when really the grades were determined by a stupid computer. I quote from her "I don't give a monkeys how much you improved, you didn't make your target grade..." and it goes on and on.

I'm scared to tell the school, because they are really biased. There's this girl who i'll just call Amy who insists that the whole world is against her for no reason and she complains to the school councillors alot. I know she complained about me for "Ditching her" when I was never her friend in the first place and was just being nice because everyone was being mean to her. She's a piece of work and it was so difficult not to just yell at her that eventually I just gave up and just tried avoiding her. So... i'm kinda on the councillors bad list... along with the whole of Y8. I think the councillors will be obligated to tell my parents and then my mum will do the whole guilt trip and make some crap about me doing all of this for attention and what not.
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