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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
I've been here a while
Celaena-Sardothian's Avatar
Name: Hannah
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Location: NZ

Posts: 1,014
Join Date: April 25th 2012

I can't do this - August 30th 2012, 08:36 AM

Ok, so, long story short, I'm meant to be stopping cutting. Emphasis on the meant. But, I dunno, I just can't. I've tried, I tried, I've tried. I've failed, I've failed, I've failed. Over and over and over.

My aunt and uncle know, they've made themselves available to talk me through it when I feel like doing it, they try and work through it with me. But almost always, afterwards, I end up cutting anyways; it just doesn't seem to work. I am SUCH a horrible person! Help doesn't even help!

Nothing helps. Sometimes I want to stop, other times I don't! But I know I have to because it just makes my aunt and uncle (mainly my uncle) mad when I do it, which I hate. And only makes me want to do it more; I hate conflict of any sort.

They think I'm not trying to stop. I mean, sometimes I'm not, because I just don't care at all, but other times I do, so bad, because I know they hate it!!! So do I! I really do! But I dunno, I feel like I need to hold on to it. I mean, I deserve it. I deserve the pain, I deserve the annoyance of it all. I just do.

At the same time, I want to stop. I've been trying to stop for 3 years now, but I can't. But I don't know why I can't. I have help available, I try alternatives that work for a bit, and I guess I want to, because it annoys my aunt and uncle, and they get really mad. I'm scared I'm gonna go too deep and they'll be really mad! But I don't know why I can't do this.

This probably doesn't make sense . . . probably all over the place.
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Name: Hollie
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: London

Posts: 4,792
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Join Date: January 19th 2011

Re: I can't do this - August 30th 2012, 11:20 AM

Hi Hannah,

Let me start by saying it's great you've come here to ask for support. I know you said you already have some, but the more the merrier, right?

Just because you've slipped up while trying to stop before, doesn't mean that stopping is impossible. Relapses happen during recovery, and with some people, recovery is harder and they happen more often. IT doesn't mean that it will always happen because at the end of the day you're in charge and control of your own actions. IF you want to stop, remember that the urges don't control you and you can say no to them. Perhaps start by throwing away what you use to hurt yourself to resist the temptation a bit more. Keep trying with the alternatives because they will help if you let them.

I understand what you mean by sometimes you want to stop and sometimes you don't, but the fact that sometimes you do gives you more of a reason to fight. When you start feeling like you don't care anymore, hang on to the reasons why you need to stop in the first place. Perhaps keep them written down somewhere so you can go to them when things get tough and give yourself something to fight for. You don't deserve the pain or any emotions the cutting gives you; they're not good ones and I'm sure you've done very little bad enough to deserve this.

I also want to say that, first of all, your aunt an uncle probably aren't mad at you for it. They're giving you the support you need, and that means they care. The only reason they may come across as mad is because they may not understand it from your perspective, and you can't really expect them to having never been there themselves. What you have to remember is that they love you, they would only ever want you to stop for you, because you don't deserve it and it would break their heart to know you're putting yourself through that. They're within their rights to be upset for you still cutting, but that in no way means they're mad at you. Second, you need to start doing this for you and not for them. It's great to keep them in mind, however, and they can easily be put on your list of reasons to stop, but if you're not stopping for you it will make it a little harder to succeed. Find ways to make yourself believe that you deserve to stop, not to continue. When you get an urge, instead of focusing on the negatives that have triggered it, focus on the positives surrounding it. For example, if talking to a relative gives you an urge afterwards, rather than focusing on why the urge is there, focus on why it shouldn't be. Reassure yourself that, while things may not have gone perfectly, nothing ever will, and things could have always gone worse.

Going too deep is always a risk and it's good that you've realised this. Again, your aunt and uncle wouldn't be mad at you for going too deep. In fact, I think this would just reinforce their worry. Self harm is dangerous and this is something that you need to keep in mind. Add it to the reasons of why you need to stop. IT's addictive and it gets progressively worse because things that used to help no longer do, so going too deep is something you need to avoid. Use the distractions to help you do this and don't give up on them. You deserve to get away from SH.

Finally, I just want to say that it's okay to seek extra help. IT's great that you have your aunt and uncle there for you, but they aren't professionals. If this is such a bad problem that you can't see yourself kicking SH on your own, don't be afraid to go to a counsellor and ask for help. Their job is to support you and help you through recovery, and it's nothing to be ashamed of if you still need more help. Who knows, it might actually be what you need!

I hope this has helped a bit. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm only a PM away and I wont mind helping where I can. Remember you're worth more than SH and it doesn't dictate you. You can control your own actions and the urges do not have to win. So keep fighting. Right now it might be hard, but now wont last forever. Look towards to future and remember that is can get better.

Take care,

❤ Nana ❤

As far as we can discern,
the sole purpose of human existence
is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
- Carl Jung

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