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I shouldn't, but I feel it anyways - September 21st 2012, 01:58 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

There's really no reason I should be upset right now.
When should I be though?
That's just kinda a thought that goes through my mind a lot. I don't know what to think. I don't even really like writing this post after my mum called and all; all i really want to do is curl up and SH but then I'm thinking of the consequences. I would have to tell my boyfriend, it would hurt and upset him as it already does that I'm upset and I would have to explain things to him... and it's hard for me to talk to begin with much less bring the words to the surface... it just makes things hard.
Even without him today (he was out of town for the day) things were going pretty good. They had their ups and downs but I was having good times in there. Then my friend continued to act like she's mad at me and I just don't know what's up so that's getting to me. Then my brother's friend was over and when is parents came to the door I answered it. I got some dirty looks and snuffed up a lot. See, they're good Catholics that are very republican (and against gays) and at one point their daughter and I had a thing going so she's not allowed to talk to me 'cause they think I'm a bad influence...etc. So that didn't help matters.
I've got a little bit of stress with school. A lot of stuff with family - just light aggravating stuff but it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. All of this does. Why do I keep making people mad? I have other people upset at me. So many people's parents think I'm a horrible influence (and I still have yet to really know why). All of this in my mind too just makes it really clouding increasing the already prominent sense of frustration and depressed feeling which is adding the the sad form of numb that I'm so tired of feeling especially when it triggers the negative thoughts.
Constantly I've also been thinking about how little the antidepressants have been helping, along with the therapy. Also, I'm worried about hurting my boyfriend in one way or another. I never would inentionally of course. I really like him, there's just no sexual attraction really -- there is but it's very minimal. It's hard to explain that to him too. I've tried and I know he understands for the most part but reguardless -- I like girls more, especially in that way. Also lately he's accidently gotten me introuble a little here and there with the personal space policy stuff at school... not anything major but still, and tonight was parent teacher confrances and my dad comes home and was talking to me a little bit about them and how my one teach said that "tommy and [i] need to learn to behave in class" So that's a little stressful too because when I shy away a little in public and stuff my boyfriend thinks something's wrong. There isn't always, but it's just all knuvdbahrigiedf.
It's not even that there's too much going on either, so as for the constant downness that i've been feeling, i have no clue of the cause. My moods have been on a rapid speed turn table again after they had just started to slow down with the medicine. That also gets me down and stuff just 'cause of the way it brings up the negative thoughts...
Right now I just wanna SH and get it over with though - deal with consiquences later and just do it... but in a way i also feel hopeless in a borderline suicidal way which scares me... I just feel like giving up and fading away as i already almost completely have it seems. I'm getting ignored more and more again with less and less of a reason lately minus from my boyfriend and i just don't know...


   
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Re: I shouldn't, but I feel it anyways - September 22nd 2012, 04:59 AM

Hey there,

Firstly, I think it is important for you to know that what people think of you does not matter. I know that is hard to believe but the truth of the matter is that what matters is your opinion of yourself. So, work on loving yourself and what other people think will not matter. I am sorry that your brothers friends parents treated you that way but the truth is there are going to be people who are not going to be understanding of your sexuality and they are going to judge you for that. As hard as it is you will grow to accept this and get to a point where you will not let anyone's judgment on your sexuality or any other part of you get to you. I think that you should make a list of good qualities you have and whenever you are feeling down or feeling judged by others you should remind yourself of that list.

As for the issue with your boyfriend, are you happy with him? You said that sexually you are not extremely attracted to him and perhaps that will change over time but the question you need to ask yourself is are you happy? If you are then maybe for the time being the two of you can stay together. Sex is not the most important aspect of a relationship, I think that building a strong emotional connection is a lot more important. I have minimal experience with relationships but I can say that I knew a guy who I was attracted to emotionally and as that attraction grew my sexual attraction to him grew as well. However, if you are more attracted to girls and you would like to explore that and you feel like your relationship with your boyfriend is restricting that then maybe you should end it?

Also, you said that sometimes your boyfriend is too affectionate in public and if that makes you uncomfortable you need to talk to him about it. While I think it is good for people to display affectionate when they are in relationships they also need to respect the wants/needs/desires of the person they are dating. So, if you are ever uncomfortable with your boyfriends display of affection you have the right to tell him to stop.

You said that your anti-depressants are not working and so you might want to bring that up with your doctor. Anti-depressants can take time to work and it can take time for the doctor to find the right dosage and/or the right medicine. But, it is really important that you convey to your doctor that you do not feel that the medicine is working. Also, are you currently in therapy? If not I suggest that you get into counseling because medicine alone will not make the depression go away. Counseling and medicine combined are what help with depression.

Lastly, you said that you are having some family issues, would you feel comfortable discussing them here? If not is there someone in real life that you could talk to? I know that it might be hard to discuss but you need to get all these feelings out so that they are not locked up inside.

I hope this helped and I am wishing you the best of luck. If you need anything please feel free to pm/vm me.


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