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mattiemoocow Offline
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I'm scared and I need help. - September 23rd 2012, 05:46 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have been cutting on and off since I was 13. I am 18 now. I was heavy into it when I was 13 and I've gotten heavily into it again this past year, much more than ever before. both my hips are entirely covered, there are some on my stomach but I find it harder to cut there, my favorite place is thighs. I have to keep them hidden, because my dad saw the ones on my arm and made me promise to stop doing it or he would send me to a mental hospital.
Right now, I'm just tripping out. To the point where I don't think even self harm would make me feel better. I mean, I'm going to do it anyway, but I need more. I need to talk about it, to let it out of me before it completely consumes me. It feels like I could drop dead any minute just from how horrible I feel.

What sucks is, I fluctuate between feeling extremely happy about life, and seeing beauty in everything, and wanting to be social and happy, and feeling attractive. And then the next week or next day or even the next minute, I feel so, so sad. I hate everyone, I see beauty in nothing, I see no point in living. I look in the mirror and become instantly repulsed by what I see, and it kills me because it makes me think I'll never be happy, because I feel that I can't have fun or have an enjoyable life if I don't look good doing it. Crazy, I know. I've been thinking about it, and I think part of the reason may be through high school I've always had people say things behind my back, and to my face, along the lines of "That new girl is really hot, but she's weird." and "She has a great rack. She's hella weird though." I didn't think these things affected me, I let them roll off my back because everyone treated me nicely, I never was bullied. But I just came to the realization tonight... The only thing that stopped me from being bullied was my looks. Everyone thought I was 'emo' because I was into writing sad poetry and heavier music than they were. Everyone thought i was 'nerdy' because I really enjoyed studying. But everyone was nice to me and all the boys tried to date me because they thought I was 'hot'. Every single guy I've dated has said the same thing to me: "You're really... different." or "You're not like any other girl I've ever dated, you're really strange" in a way that sounds more like "YOU'RE WEIRD AS HELL BUT I'LL STICK AROUND FOR THE TITS". The more I think about it, I'm becoming infuriated. I think I've basically learned that I have to look perfect at all times, because I have no worth if I don't. I feel like I can't afford to have imperfections or slight flaws, because my looks are all I have. If not for my 'nice rack' and 'pretty face' I would have been bullied day in and day out, I know it. I would have been that weird emo nerdy girl no one wants to be seen with. And what sucks is I have never been able to fit into any group, because I shared more interests with the kids who were considered the misfits, but they didn't want to accept me because I looked 'preppy', and the preppy girls thought I was too weird. So I've always been a loner with 1 or 2 friends max, but a shit ton of acquaintances who pretended to like me.
But anyway, that's a little bit about why I feel so repulsive sometimes, or i think part of the reason. Um, i guess i should also add that when i was little both my parents left, and my mom still is a crazy drug addicted stripper, and she tries to call me sometimes but she does more hurt than good, says horrible things to me and makes up lies. And my dad just recently got sober and has been back in my life for a year or two. I'm sure I probably have some type of abandonment issues where my self esteem plummets because I feel like if I wasn't good enough to make my own parents want to stick around, well fuck, I must be a pretty shitty person.
This became a long rant, but I had a point. and the reason I decided to post on here is because I noticed a new development in my cutting. I've started to feel an intense need to do it when I feel happy. Because it makes me feel anxious. Not the type of happy where you feel warm and relaxed and calm inside, the kind of happy that makes you excited. I'm a very high strung person and ever since I was a little girl I could never enjoy what I was doing at the time because I'd constantly be asking "Where are we going next?!?!" and I'd feel at total disease if people refused to tell me, to the point I could no longer enjoy the moment. But anyway I notice that when I start to feel that anxious excitement, it feels almost like I'm going to have a panic attack or something. Like I feel really jittery and like my heart is beating extremely fast, even if I'm just sitting down thinking. I feel like maybe it has something to do with, I can't process any sort of emotion.. ? Or i am afraid of feeling happy because I don't want the happiness to go away but I know it inevitably will?
Also, I suffer from OCD and I had it really bad when I was little and have picked up on it again, but it hasn't been too unbearable.
I desperately want to see a doctor, I know for a fact he would put me on medication. I don't know if it would help or not, I wouldn't want to be a zonked out zombie. But God, almost anything would be better than this, I can't take it anymore. And I feel like such a weak, stupid person, when there are people with REAL issues, being raped or beaten every day of their life, and I'm sitting here crying because I don't feel pretty enough when I get complimented every single fucking day.
But that's the bitch about it; I can't control this. I can't just say "These feelings are stupid and irrational and they are ruining my life. I am going to stop feeling them." I try and I try. but I just keep running in circles. One minute I'm great next minute I feel like hell. And I don't know how much more I can take. I'd be lying if I said I never considered suicide. But I can't, because I can't hurt my grandma like that. Also I'm scared of going to hell.
I kind of doubt anyone will read this. But oh well, I suppose half the point in writing is venting to clear your head and try to stay sane.

Last edited by mattiemoocow; September 23rd 2012 at 05:53 PM.
   
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Re: I'm scared and I need help. - October 7th 2012, 10:33 PM

First off, I wanted to say I've read the entire passage, for lack of a better term.

Anyways, I'm sure you've heard it before, and you'll continue hearing it from countless other people, but you're amazing. I don't know you besides what you've put in this thread, but you're weird. Have you seen Luna Lovegood? She's one weird lunatic, but that's what made her oh so special and incredible.

And just for your information, the brain is a magnificent tool we, as humans, have. For instance, if you despise history and are currently taking History 101, the easiest way to succeed in the class is by constantly telling yourself "History is a very intriguing subject, and it's incredibly fun." At first, you'll be lying to yourself. But the lies will eventually become truth, and chances are, you'll succeed in the class. Same thing applies to your whole "These feelings are stupid and irrational, and they are ruining my life." But guess what, those feelings aren't irrational. They're not good, but they're also not irrational.

Guess what. The majority of people can count the amount of true friends they have on one hand. All these popular people in school are just acquaintances with everybody, and they have few true friends, much like yourself.

You could have bipolar personality disorder; although, I tend to disbelieve the existence of such a disease as with most psychological diseases, but that's besides the point. You could contact a local psychiatrist and talk to them about getting diagnosed, and possibly be put on medication.

Last but not least, your whole idea that you're pathetic for crying over the fact that you're not a barbie when that's nothing compared to people who are being beaten everyday of their lives is incorrect. You're not pathetic. Everybody has their own breaking points, their own issues. You may not be starving, being beaten physically, or raped; but, you are being emotionally drained from my understanding. That's more than enough to cry over. Emotional pain is worse than physical, anyways.


A few things you must know about me.

1. Social interactions are confusing. I may offend you. Don't take it the wrong way.

2. If you need help, regardless of what it is, you can always pm me.

3. I'm brutally honest. Sugar coating is more brutal.

4. You, yes the person reading this, is a spectacular lovely person. Don't let anybody tell you different.

Best Anti-Suicide advertisement, especially considering it's not even about suicide.
   
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