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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Unhappy So many reasons to continue... - October 9th 2012, 05:27 PM

Okay so, sorry about the longness of this...

So I started to burn myself for the first time about a week ago when my parents left me alone for two days. It's mostly on my legs and a bit on my wrists/arms. It took some of the pain away that I was feeling inside, but to be honest, I was still left with the internal, emotional pain.

I do it for many reasons: self-hatred, guilt, feeling worthless and don't feel like I mean shit to anyone. What's worse, since I found out that my sister cut a while back and I felt completely stranded and useless in that situation. I was only young at that time, so she didn't tell me what exactly had happened when I asked about the scars...

And now I go to school everyday wondering why I should even bother. I barely talk to anyone and I'm pretty sure they'd be a lot happier if they weren't stuck with me hanging around. I'm constantly told that it's just around 20 weeks left of school, then I can go to college, for a fresh start. But, I just know, that my anxiety will hold me back in some way or other...

But, I finally confessed to just about one of closest friend about the SH, since she doesn't understand why people do it, she was hardly what you call supportive (in some sense), she tells me that she cares and on some level I do believer her, but I have a very hard time trusting people. Anway, she, on some level, threatened to tell one of the members of staff at school, if I didn't stop doing SH immediately. Or that I HAD to tell my therapist (for anxiety) about it. But, I don't want anyone else knowing about it, 'cause I feel embarrased about the whole thing, yet I continue to do it. It helps in a way that's very difficult to explain. Also, I know, some way or other, that my parents will find out, and that would just seriously damage my mum in the worst way, so it's best to keep it from them...

Somewhere in my mind, I'm telling myself that I should try something else, like cutting on my legs, so no one will see. But I don't know... I'm so confused right now. It's hard to talk about, so I mostly just shut everyone out... I'm scared about what's gonna happen to me... I feel if I carry on SHing, it will help in the short term, but... I just don't know if I have the willpower to go on...

Last edited by Palmolive; October 9th 2012 at 11:08 PM. Reason: Removing prefix
   
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Re: So many reasons to continue... - October 9th 2012, 11:07 PM

Hi there.

Firstly, I'm glad you came to us here at Teenhelp and you don't need to apologise for your post being some what lengthy. That's not a problem. I'm just glad you've felt able to open up to us. That's really important.

You say you have been self harming for around a week now. I'm just wondering whether anything happened a week ago to trigger the self harming or whether anything happened that gave you the idea to self harm? Is anything going on to make you feel the need to harm yourself? If there is anything that is happening or that has happened in the past, I want you to know that we're always here for you. We're not here to judge you - we're here to listen and support you. You're not on you own love.

Why do you hate yourself and feel guilty? I honestly doubt there is anything you have done wrong. But even if there was, you still wouldn't deserve the pain you're inflicting upon yourself. I would never wish this upon anyone, no matter what they had done in their life. You definitely do not deserve the pain from self harm. I am sorry you feel worthless. But I want you to know that you're not. To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world. And you're part of this community now on this site. You've come to us for help and I've come across your thread. If you were not worth it, I wouldn't be sat here right now writing back to you. But you ARE worth it and I want you to know that.

I've struggled with self harm badly and so has my mum and my sister. My dad went through a phase of self harm too. I can understand the knowing about someone you love has or does self harm, but not being able to do anything about it. Maybe this is the way you friend feels too? You know, the one you spoke about to it. Maybe she just wants you to be safe and happy and that's why she brought up telling someone at school. Because she doesn't know how to help you herself, but she does want to help you in some way and that way would be her getting you help from people who do know how to help you. Its scary and its difficult to know someone you love has hurt so badly they resulted to self harm, but you can't get hung up on that. Right now, you need to focus on you. I assume your sister is no longer a self harmer and therefore she's grown from the experience. Have you thought about talking to her about how you feel and what's going on for you? Maybe she'll have some valuable advice that can help you.

School can be hard when you feel that way and I can most definitely relate to that. What always got me through was the education side of it. I set my mind on my dream career and focused on my work so I could go on to University. Have you tired setting yourself future goals like this? Start to think about what you want to do when you're older. You could also try joining in on school groups and lunch time activities. However, putting all of this besides, I think you do have friends and I think they want you to be around them. I think that you feel so bad about yourself, it's made you a little insecure which leads to you thinking your friends don't want you being with them. But I am sure that that isn't true.

And where is cutting on your legs going to get you? No where. Self harming, no matter what technique you use, is not going to help you or what is going on for you. It might in the moment because the pain you feel might stop the emotional pain for a few minutes, but the underlying problem is still there and it always will be until you figure it out. Self harming is some what pointless. It doesn't help in reality but it can make situations a lot worse.

I know this is hard to talk about and I think you have taken the first step by coming to us here. How about talking to someone else at home? Maybe a parent or a teacher. Even a school nurse or counsellor or even a doctor. All of these people can help you and they care about you. They want to help but they can only do so if you let them in, if they know what is going on for you and you're the one who has to open up to them and be honest with them. You don't have to go through this on your own. You deserve support.

I hope you are well, keep smiling. It's not going to be this way forever,
Jessie. :-)


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Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: So many reasons to continue... - October 10th 2012, 07:06 AM

Thank you for very much for the support.
It's nice to know that someone else has been through a similar sitaution...

I don't think it was much that triggered it, I mean I've had the feelings for a while... But since my parents left me in the house for 2 days straight, I think that's when I took the opportunity to put it into action...

I think you're right about the friend thing, about her caring but doesn't really know how to help. It's just hard to fully open up...
I know it's wrong to carry on doing SH, it ins't going to get me anywhere, it's just a bit tricky...? It's hard to stop.

So, you think I should let her inform a teacher or school consellor or something...? Or I could..?
   
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Re: So many reasons to continue... - October 10th 2012, 11:44 AM

Hey there, I burn frequently enough myself. Selfharming is highly addictive and you might've realised and very difficult to stop. Also, a lot of people don't don't selfharm don't understand why we do it and find it hard to work out why we'd put our bodies through pain.
But, you should tell someone who can help you about the selfharming or someone with a history of sh'ing, it'll help a tonne when you have support

Best of luck,
Jay


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My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: So many reasons to continue... - October 10th 2012, 05:34 PM

Hi again

You're more than welcome. I hoped it help in some way!

Okay, so why does you being alone in the house for a few days, make you think about self harming? I know that sometimes when I'm alone at home on my own, I self harm more because its the opportunity to do so for me otherwise I normally self harm at night because its something I hide from my family. But I have been self harming for several years now where as you have only been self harm for around a week and I can't help but think there must have been something to trigger that whether it is a situation you have been through, stress from school and exams or even just the way you feel, you know?

I know its hard to open up and I wouldn't expect you to go make a call to her and tell her everything but hopefully, within time, you'll feel able to open up to her more and more. That's a process though and it's going to take time for you to be able to do so. Talking about this is hard because its personal and something we feel strongly about and I can understand that..


It is hard to stop self harming but if it was easy then it wouldn't be worth it. Thing is, if you don't try and beat it, it's going to be easy because you've got nothing to fight against. You're allowing yourself to self harm where as if you try to overcome the urges, you're fighting back at self harm you know? So when we try to beat it, we're in a fight and fights are hard but these kind are always worth it in the end.

I think a teacher or school counsellor knowing might be a good step for you. I had two teachers who helped me more than anything. One I was talking to for four years and the other one about one yeah but I definitely wouldn't be where I am today with out them. If you don't feel you can talk to them, then asking your friend is a good idea. But if you feel able to approach a teacher then do so yourself. You could even write them a letter if that's an easier way for you to express yourself instead of having to say it aloud. I know I find that helpful. Your school is there to help you through these things, okay? There's nothing wrong in letting them in and letting them help you.

Keep smiling. You can do this and you're worth so much,
Jessie


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Re: So many reasons to continue... - October 11th 2012, 08:25 AM

Thank you both so much for the help and support... It helps...

Okay, so I think I did it, because there wouldn't be an opportunity for my parents to see what I'm doing to myself. I know it would damage them completely if they knew what I was doing...
I mean, I think I do it 'cause I feel I'm finally in control of something. For just about all my life, I've always been scared because of my anxiety. SH is just something that wasn't scared to do, and it felt good, I was finally in control. If that makes any sense...

I see that I need to tell someone before it gets much worse, but I just don't see any "bright side" since everything seems so dark and bad...
It's hard to think positive when all you have is negative thoughts...

But, I confronted my friend again, she's still trying to be supportive I think, she's really worried though...
I'm just so scared to tell an adult or techer or anyone. I find it embarassing to talk about, but when I actually do it, it feels fine... I know it probably sounds weird and messed up...

Thank you for the help again, it feels good to let this out a bit with someone who understands...
   
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Re: So many reasons to continue... - October 11th 2012, 08:31 AM

No it does make sense, I feel the same. I see it as I can choose when to be in pain rather than someone doing it and which hurts me more because I didn't see it coming.

But, as easy as self harming seems, sh'ing can lead to many long term problems, and I know I can't tell you to quit, I suggest you try and find something else to make you feel in control, like punching a punching bag or something like that :P you'd be in control of the punching bags pain

Good luck,
Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: So many reasons to continue... - October 11th 2012, 09:40 AM

Hello

I can understand that. A lot of people self harm because it gives them some sort of control because they feel they lack it with something in their life. You say its related to your anxiety. I am just wondering whether you know what makes you anxious and what triggers the feelings of anxiety for you? Maybe if you could recognise what it is, you could work on it and try to gain that control back which then might have an affect on your self harming.

It's incredibly hard to see the bright side when we feel so low and lost. But you need to know there is one. That there is no reason why you can't start to move forward from this and beat it. That the only person who can stop you from getting through this is yourself. You're loved and cared about and you're still so young and have your whole life ahead of you. You can do absolutely anything you want to do with your life. We all have control over our own thoughts. When those negative thoughts come into your mind, its down to you to challenge those thought's and to change them in order to change your behaviour. No, it's not easy doing so but it is possible and you can do it.

I'm really glad you feel comfortable to talk to your friend. I'm also glad she's being supportive to you in this. Telling someone is really hard. I remember all the times I tried to tell people something important and I started to get butterflies and burn up. Its horrible but its also worth it. Are you going to let the fear of telling someone stop you from living the rest of your life or are you going go choose happiness and beat this?

I know this is hard but I know you can beat it if you set your mind to it and you're worth so much more.
Keep on smiling,
Jessie


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Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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