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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
xImFinex Offline
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Exclamation My cry for help. - October 31st 2012, 08:31 AM




-sigh- So where to begin... Please, do excuse me for my excessive writing.

I guess from the begining?

Well, I cut myself and hurt myself. I don't know how long I've done it to be honest. For as long as I remember, I have hurt myself in one way or another. When I was younger, I used to bite my arms. That then evolved into stabbing myself with a pencil or a pen in the arms and legs, scratching myself until welts formed, then burning with anything that I can get hot enough, and now cutting.

My arms right now are covered in thin red lines and welts. From wrist to elbows. Bruises from biting are fading away. Brown patches of 1st degree. burnt flesh are beginning to crack and peel away. Quite a mess, right?

I hurt myself when I'm angry, frustrated, depressed, feeling worthless. Or lonely.

I want to tell someone. I want to get the help that I deserve. I don't want to keep doing this, but my depression keeps seizing me up.

I see a therapist, but it's not for my depression, or my anxiety, mood swings, or my cutting. It's for my parents. For me to figure out a way to become a better, more productive teenager. The perfect godly angelic child they've always wanted. That I'll never be. I'll always be their little fuck up.

My teachers at school no that there is something wrong. Especially my Sociology / psychology teacher. He's my favorite teacher.

Again, Please excuse the narrative format

Just last week on Tuesday I was not feeling... right. I went up to go ask for his opinion on my new piece of art work. I looked at him and ask "So,(name) What should I-..." I started to choke, feeling intense feelings of anxiety and depression swelling behind my eyes. Emotions beginning to push forth and form a lump in my throat.

"What's wrong?" my teacher asked, having a concerned look upon his face, taking off his glasses. I looked up, my eyes stinging as I swung a chair from the cafeteria table behind me to sit next to him. "You're-... your a teacher, right? So I can trust you..?" He looked at me with a nod and a concerned smile. "What's wrong?" He asked.
"Can... Can I just write it?" I replied, taking a water color pencil and beginning to write on a blank page within my sketch pad. "I'm failing AP English with a 48. I don't know what to do. It's like every time I get to school, and every time I come home for this entire year so far, and the last semester of last year everything just goes blank sometimes. Everything just fades away, and I stare into space, counting the molecules in the air. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me!"

He sighed, and looked at me with a reassuring look, before asking me "Have you ever been screened for ADD or ADHD?" I nodded "When I was younger" I began to hyperventilate, making it impossible for any words to come out. Mind you, I haven't always been a straight A student. I'm average. I folded my arms up on the table. "Lay your head down and calm down. Breathe. It's going to be okay. It's just one bad grade."
After a moment of trying to calm down I looked by up at my teacher, taking off my pink and black glasses, and looking at his blurry, now eyeless figure.

I finished telling him how I was once on ADD medications, but taken off
when I moved in with my dad and step mom who disagree with medications. Since then my grades went down hill. He began asking me whether or not I'm depressed. I nodded, having been feeling down in a hole trying desperately to climb out before the monster eats me. He asked if I'm Bi-polar or if it runs in my family. I was quiet for a moment. He mentioned how he's noticed me coming in one day, or a whole week and being off the wall
hyper, and the next being depressed, not talking to my friends, and sitting in the corner by myself; as well as his battle with anxiety. I told him how it runs in my family

I then started to talk way to much at that point, a nervous habit. I don't remember what all I said, really. Except hearing everyone in the cafeteria talking about me, staring at me, and looking at me, Though my teacher reassured me that they weren't. Then he looked at me and said "You don't need to be in class to day. We are going to the office. I'll take you."

And so he lead me away, out of the cafeteria. The entire walk there I felt like I was about to faint. He was walking to fast. I felt as though I had to jog to keep up...

While in the guidance office, I remember talking a lot. More than I should. Though I don't remember everything except babbling about ghosts and the paranormal. Eventually they calmed me down before anything to serious happened.

I told my therapist everything. She just shrugged it off.

-sigh-

a couple days later, I was down again. the other two days where good. My teacher asked what was wrong and pulled me out again. I wanted to show him my arms. I've wanted to tell him how I've been hurting myself, how long, and everything. But I couldn't. Instead I blamed it on my dog who was sick. . . (He's getting better now, btw)

I highly doubt any of you actually read the entire thing. I thank you if you did.




[/b]

Last edited by xImFinex; October 31st 2012 at 09:25 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Re: My cry for help. - November 1st 2012, 12:57 AM

I have just read the entire thing and it sounds like things have been pretty rough for you recently. From what you have said in your post, it sounds like you've been struggling with mood swings, would you agree? I also know that your teacher recognised this and it looks like he recognised it before you did. Do you think your teacher is somewhat right in what he said? Remember, we're not medical professionals here at Teenhelp and therefore we can't diagnose you. To be diagnosed you will have to be done so by a medical professional such as a psychiatrist.

It sounds like you have a somewhat good relationship with your teacher and if you feel like you can trust him and as though you're able to open up to him then I definitely want to encourage you to do so. I know that talking to people about these things and opening up can be a really hard thing to do, but you've already made steps by going to your teaching and talking to us here at Teenhelp. Having a good support network is important and I know from experience that teachers can be absolute life savers.

I am sorry that your therapist seemed to shrug the problem of. I want to encourage you try and talk to them about it again. I know you probably feel hopeless in doing so because of how they acted towards it before but I really would like to think your therapist would talk through it with you and see how you feel and what you think about the possibility of you having one of these disorders and for you to hear their thoughts on it. I would also like to think she would ask you to have contact with a psychiatrist so they could do an assessment to see what their thoughts are on you having one of these disorders or another mental health problem. It may be nothing but it may be something and it's always better to talk about it an be assessed so that if you do have a mental health disorder, you can be given the right treatment to help you start to feel better and to manage it.

If you did speak to your therapist again and they were to shrug it of like you felt they did before, is there a chance you could ask to see another therapist or perhaps you could talk to your doctor about what's been going and see what their advice is on the situation.

Know that if you ever want to talk us, then we're always here for you. I hope this helped in some way and I hope things start to look up for you


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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