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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BellaBoo100 Offline
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Question My Story, Need Advice and First Cuts - May 23rd 2013, 03:38 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi, I'm Bella and I'm 17. (I put triggering because I'd rather be safe than sorry )

Anyway, I'll start with my story I guess. Might be all over the place xD If you are patient enough to read, I am so grateful to you.

I've been having a really rough time the past 2 years or so. School was really bad because of stress and teachers, and trouble with some people on my bus, etc. I have anxiety, but it comes out mainly in physical symptoms. I get dizzy and fatigued. I feel really tired and dizzy almost every day, and it prevents me from doing a lot of things. It feels like I have a physical illness even though I don't. I've been to a doctor, and I've been working on medication with her for about a year now. I've also been to 2 therapists, sticking with the most recent one, however she's been making me really angry lately. I haven't seen her in a couple months.

Because school was hard, I switched schools last year, dropped out of that school too, because the dizziness prevented me from going, and now this year I'm home-schooled with online school. It started out great, but I got more and more behind as I lost motivation. I'm now about 6 months behind in some classes and 2 or 3 in others. I have to finish by September. I'm trying to get back into my original high school (an agricultural school) for next year (my senior year), but no guarantees at all.

Because I'm so behind, I've been stressed. I haven't even been doing any work, and lying to my parents about it. My friends tell me all the time how I'm screwing up my future, and I know that. I don't know how to handle it, and I've pretty much given up. I've hated school since I was little, and used to cause a lot of problems for my family. If I cannot go back to my old school for next year, I want to drop out. I hate that there are so many things I don't get, and it doesn't seem worth it to me. After all, I most likely can't go to college because of my dizziness anyway. So who cares? I know it's wrong, but a large part of me doesn't care in the slightest. My mom is pushing me, and she's not understanding at all just how far behind I am, and how much trouble I'm in. She really makes me angry (trying soooo hard to refrain from swearing here) and I get upset. We've been fighting more often too. On top of all that, my love life is crap too, and I'm even slightly questioning my sexuality.

Now to get to the part that actually has something to do with SH. I realized I have been self harming for most of my life by scratching healing wounds, and just scratching in general. It hurt, but I did it anyway.
Cutting my wrists has popped into my mind a lot over the past few weeks. Curiosity got the better of me, and I ended up with a really small cut on my left wrist from a razor. Tonight, just a while ago, I cut again in three places on the same arm. Still small cuts, though they took longer to stop bleeding. (I had a heart attack thinking I was going to die Dx because that's just me, and my anxiety. It was slightly deeper than a paper cut -___-)

So one question I have: I've read a lot about self harming as safe as possible, and I've seen so much about people hurting tendons and nerves and all that, and it scares me to death. A simple solution would be to stop. But I'm not sure if I really can, and will probably cut again. If it's a small cut, that's mostly surface like a paper cut or slightly deeper, I'm not gonna mortally wound my body, right? I don't want that. Suicide or a trip to the hospital or even doctor for that matter are not in my interests here. I also don't want to get an infection or anything. I'm careful about where I cut, and try to avoid the veins I see. Please help me With that being said, I've been thinking about exactly why I have cut myself. I was curious at first, but why do I keep doing it? The pain isn't that bad. I don't mind it. I know it isn't a good idea, and I'm not sure exactly what makes me want to. I kinda think of it as getting back at my parents and therapist. Which is terrible, I know, but I don't know how to handle it.
I've just been so depressed and scared recently. I'm not sure what to do about anything. My parents are trying to help me, but they aren't really at all :/
Any advice or answers to my questions would be appreciated. Thank you so so much especially if you took the time to read my rambled and scrambled thoughts.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Katley Offline
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Re: My Story, Need Advice and First Cuts - May 24th 2013, 03:54 AM

Hey Bella <3

Thank you so much for sharing your story. There are a lot of points here, and Im going to do my best to address all of them. Of course you can talk to me by private messaging me if I miss anything okay?

First off, Anxiety sucks. I deal with it as well and also deal with physical symptoms (headaches, nausea, breathing issues)... I am very glad you are working on medications to help that. However, I am sensing a deeper problem here that is not plainly anxiety. (I AM NOT A DOCTOR AT ALL. SO DO NOT TAKE ANY OF THIS AS A DIAGNOSIS OR WHATEVER)

Here are the symptoms for clinical depression:
Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Fatigue and decreased energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
Irritability, restlessness
Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
Overeating or appetite loss
Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I bolded the ones that I felt specifically were addressed in your story. I really think you should talk to a doctor about depression, and see if they agree. Good medication could completely turn your thoughts around and maybe you would be able to see the point of things again.

I also think that seeing a therapist is very important. I understand you are currently having trouble with your current therapist, but could you possibly go on the hunt for someone who you really do like and can trust?

Now, as for self harm....
[My Experience: 3 year addiction, suicide attempt, recovery process. I know what its like to start and be afraid]
On a first hand note, you can stop. You really can. You havent started the addiction of the more serious kind of self harm. Stopping wounds from healing is bad enough, but if you do it without thinking it might not be classified as self harm. Self harm is purposeful with the intent to cause yourself pain. Many times there are reasons WHY you want to give yourself that pain, and those can vary.

I am very worried that you have picked up that razor. It is taking you down a path you do not want to go down. If you look at this forum, you see sad hopeless people compelled to do something they do NOT want to be stuck it. It is an addiction, plain and simple. I would argue that its one of the worst addictions you can have.

Cutting, no matter WHERE or HOW, is not safe. Ever. At all. There are no "Safe" ways to cut nor will there ever be. Taking precautions is all you can do, but those are going to fail. My heart goes out to you. Be happy for your fear, because hopefully that can drive you to stop.

I really want you to think about the path you are turning down. Is it safe? is it happy? will it help? (if you are in your right mind at the moment, the answers to all those questions are no.)

you can make the decision to stop, and you will have to at some point in your life. The sooner you make it, the easier it will be. take that from me, I understand, and it will be okay.

I understand how hard it can be, but it is your responsibility to say NO. Those urges will go away, but you need to find some way to cope right now. I think that you need to remind yourself that YOU ARE NOT RUINING YOUR LIFE. never. There are always turn arounds and you can always make a change. I really hope that you can find the strength to do what you want. And I really really hope that you can turn this around.

Everything is going to be okay. Please PM me, Id love to talk.

Sora <3

Ps- I love you, and everything is going to be okay <3

Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is SCARS
They don't see the ANGEL
Living in your heart
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
dessykins Offline
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Re: My Story, Need Advice and First Cuts - May 24th 2013, 04:09 AM

i wouldn't worry about the time with school, its not worth stressing over. i can relate because my whole life i switched back and forth from homeschooling to normal school.. and i hated both equally, and couldn't make up my mind. but i did my homeschooling, at my own pace. so what if you're behind? i was behind too. it happens. life isn't going anywhere. you're still here. you're still you. you still have a future. you're future is not damaged. there is no age range or time limit. you go as you go. and there will always be opportunities for things to get better and to get back on track. finding inner motivation, is the best way to go though.
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