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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
TheQuietGirl Offline
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I can't recover + a question about jobs - July 28th 2013, 03:36 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I think this belongs here. I've started and deleted this post many times but I just need to get it out there.

I have hurt myself since I was about four or five years old. I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother, and later bullied in school. I'm 16 years old, and I've been trying to recover but to no avail.

I don't have friends in real life to call or go over to their house when I'm feeling this way. All of my friends are over the Internet. I love them to death, but there's a huge time difference between the guy I'm closest to (for example, he is asleep right now and I'm wide awake writing this).

I recently was in Mexico for a destination wedding for one of my sisters. They all know I hurt myself, and my sister assured me she didn't want me covering up just because I felt I had to because it was going to be super hot there. So I didn't. *So* many people (in the airport, at the resort, even my own family) would blatantly stare when they thought I wasn't watching. Except for the sister getting married. I was wearing a handmade bracelet on the second-to-last day there that I had bought the day before and it was on my arm with the scars. My sister picked up my arm and (I watched her) she *just* inspected the bracelet and told me she loved it. She didn't even peek at my scars and that meant so so so much to me.

Lately it's getting harder and harder to recover. I've tried to kill myself five times, and my friend (the one with the big time-difference) told me that I can't because I stopped him from ending it and that the only reason he's still here is me.

My relapses get worse and worse (I don't want to be graphic but right now there's quite a bit of clean-up needed), and I don't know how to stop. I don't *want* to live and I don't even feel anything anymore when I hurt myself, so I just keep going and going.

I feel like I"m never going to make it in what I want to do (singer song-writer) even though I'm fighting my arse off and my guitar instructor always tells me how impressed he is at how fast I can pick things up. But everything is so uncertain and I can't handle my parents and I hate myself. I'm just an ugly, disgusting, annoying person who can't keep friends unless they are on the Internet.

I may have a job interview coming up at a nursing home affiliated with the Hospital, and I'm afraid my scars are going to keep me from getting hired and I don't know what to do. I can't lie and say i don't suffer from depression and anxiety because if they find out after they hire me, then I can be terminated for lying. I just want to be honest but not cost my job.

I just need somebody. Please, any help.


   
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Re: I can't recover + a question about jobs - July 28th 2013, 06:11 AM

I'm so sorry. Please don't beat yourself up.

Is there anybody you can go to? Please find someone. I know from your profile that you're atheist, but if you wanna give God a chance, you can. I was blindly down a foxhole when I gave God a chance.
And please find a somebody you can trust, who can help you. I hope you find someone in person and not only online. Keep searching. Don't give up.

Look for things to live for, and don't say there's nothing. That's not true. Look at your sister. Look at your online friend whose life you saved. Please don't think you're not loved or not needed or not cared for. Please don't think those things. Thoughts like that can bury you into a hole so deep, you can't climb your way out. Try to think good things, like good qualities about yourself, why you should live, the people you love, etc.

Whether this means anything or not, I'll pray for you and I'll have others pray for you. Please hang in there. You're absolutely necessary and loved, I hope you realize that. And I hope you rekindle the desire to live. Please don't beat yourself up. Please.
- Collies R Us


"Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the LORD your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NRSV of the Bible)
   
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Re: I can't recover + a question about jobs - July 28th 2013, 06:22 PM

Really sorry to hear that things are bad for you, don't do anything you'll regret. As Ally said talk to someone you trust about whats going on and they will help and support you. Stay strong, keep fighting and never give up.
Remember that there are always people who are ready to help you. I'm always here if you want to talk.
Your not a ugly, disgusting or an annoying person, I promise you. Good luck for the interview, if you worried about your scars showing maybe cover them up with either clothes or make-up.


I'm here if anyone wants to talk, I'm always here. Feel free to VM or PM me
   
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Re: I can't recover + a question about jobs - July 29th 2013, 03:15 AM

I only have Internet friends to go to. The one I"m closest to I Skype video-call every day and he always knows when I'm upset because I'm shit at hiding it, but there's a reality that he doesn't need me. He has so many other people to go to, I'm just irrelevant.

I really can't do this anymore. I will do anything to stop feeling things. It's not going to get better; my problems will never be solved. . I thought they would when I moved out of my mum's, when I went to a new school, but they all came back. I'll never let myself enjoy the fresh air, because I will get hurt. I don't settle down and I feel as little as possible. I don't get attached to people (which is why you fucking suck because I couldn't help that one), and that's just what I've become. I can't suddenly change who I am. My problems could be over but I'd never be happy.


   
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Re: I can't recover + a question about jobs - July 29th 2013, 03:47 AM

I'm going to just answer the job interview question, since I feel it hasn't been covered much.

Wear long sleeves, and don't mention your depression or SH unless it is asked about in the interview. If you are hired, you can then come out about your depression and SH and ask if there's any change to your uniform to hide scarring or anything. When I had my interview, I was never asked about depression or anything, and my scars have never come up during my job, so it's not something that you drastically have to worry about depending on the severity of your scars.

Good luck.


I said to the sun, "Tell me about the big bang"
& the sun said “it hurts to become."
Andrea Gibson, "I Sing The Body Electric; Especially When My Power Is Out"
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Re: I can't recover + a question about jobs - July 29th 2013, 06:49 PM

Please don't think about yourself that way. If you think no one cares, how do you explain the people who've responded? We may not have suffered as much as you, but we all understand how hopeless one can feel and the feeling that bad things keep piling up with no end. It sounds like you have so many talents. And songwriting seems to be something you enjoy. Have you heard of Evanescence, it's a band and the main singer struggled with self-harm and now she writes songs about it. You can channel your feelings into something better. I know it's hard, but you have to remember how much you're worth. Try talking to your sister. If she was so good about your SH last time, why not now? Besides, you know her. And if she experienced a similar situation to you, maybe she can tell you how she came through.
Please keep going, for the people in your life who care, even if you don't.
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Re: I can't recover + a question about jobs - July 29th 2013, 10:06 PM

Hey there,

Would you consider going to a counselor to talk about your self harm? I think that could be a great way for you to work on overcoming your self harm and getting to a better place. A counselor can help you work to identify what your triggers are, start finding healthy coping skills and give you a safe person to talk to about everything that is going on.

Do you think you could talk to your sisters about your self harm? It sounds like they really care about you and they might be open to supporting you in any way that they could. It might help to have a support network of friends and family encouraging you and supporting you while you work on trying to recover.

I am also going to link you to the Alternatives to Self Harm and I suggest you look that over and try some of the things listed when you feel like harming yourself. I know it might not seem like the alternatives work but your body has grown used to using self harm as its coping mechanism so it will take time for it to adjust to using anything other than self harm. However if you push through and continue turning to the alternatives you might find some that work well enough.

As for the job, I went on interviews and I wore long sleeves. I wore a nice business jacket with some slacks and some shoes. It looked really professional and due to this I highly doubt anyone questioned why I was wearing long sleeves in the summer. I didn't happen to land the position but if I had the jobs I applied for had a rule about not showing tattoos and because of that I would have had the ability to wear long sleeves to the job. The fact is the job you are applying for might have the same rules about tattoos so you might be able to get away with wearing long sleeves to work as well, you know? When you are interviewing you do not have to say anything about your depression unless they specifically ask and I don't think anything will come up because on the few interviews that I did nothing was mentioned about medical conditions. If they do ask then, of course, you have to be honest. Upon getting the job you can look at the the rules they have and see if they have anything about tattoos and if they do you could then just wear long sleeves and no one would be the wiser. If they don't have rules pertaining to tattoos then you might have to talk to your boss about your self harm and changing your uniform.

I hope this helped and I am wishing you the best of luck.


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Re: I can't recover + a question about jobs - July 30th 2013, 04:41 AM

I feel like I'm not that close with my sisters. There are three of us, and they talk all about how important family is, but I am *always* the sister left out.

I have been in and out of crisis centres, and I can't stand the therapists around here. I honestly, 100% hate the process. I have a friend I talk to in England who snaps me out of it when I'm being irrational and he helps me through a lot. Sure, he isn't perfect and I do still harm myself, but I am still here and I am sure he is part of the reason. He's making me realise I'm not such a horrible person (and I'm not dependent on him).

The interview stuff I understand fully. I am wearing a sleeveless dress with a cardigan, which I will say is because I'm cold (it's in a nursing home, which is usually chilly anyway).


   
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Re: I can't recover + a question about jobs - July 30th 2013, 04:42 AM

Just remembered what I was going to say. I have soccer coming up and it's on a team full of guys and one girl (who harrassess me and spreads false rumours that I am able to ignore), but if I wear the uniform, my scars are going to be out on display for them. The guys I usually don't care about, but there's one that tried to harass me on Facebook before I blocked him, andI know he had his friends in on it, I just don't know who but they are all on the soccer team. I just wish I didn't have to play.


   
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