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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
MichieRay Offline
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Unhappy Well here we are again... eh? - October 10th 2013, 09:10 AM

I've been on and off this website since I was 12. (I'm 19 now)... I've been struggling with self injury since I was 11. I feel like this website does more for me than Tumblr. (Yes I tumbl a lot. )
I'm back to square one again. I'm not sure if I need to stop or if I want to. Mostly I think I just need to talk? So I think I'm going to do just that?

I went in the Army back in January. I was happy. I had my life on track. Fuck yes. Right? I broke my hip in February due to the physical stresses of training. They discharged me. I came home. My whole world changed. My best friend, whom I was in love with- and had told me he loved me just two weeks prior... Moved an hour away. Fell in love with another girl. Fathers her baby- That isnt his.
His older sister (also my friend) is going through a huge bump in her marriage.. possibly divorce. His siblings are being fought over for custody because their mom's a druggie and abandoned her children.. All the while I'm standing in this total chaos... dealing with coming home.
I lost my dream. I lost what I had wanted since I was a little girl. It all ended.
No, and i still did not harm myself. I wanted to cry myself in oblivion.. I watched a pill bottle for hours. thinking about overdosing everynight. Dreaming of the sweet release it all would bring.

I found love in an old friend. The first time since the heartbreak from my old best friend. He tossed me to the side, used and ignored me.
So why not let everyone do the same?
I just dont feel like breathing anymore.
Just let everyone have their way with me.. It never matters what i fucking want anyway? Right?

I cut myself today. For the first time in months. I wanted to. Is that the only thing I can control? I guess. The three Crimson lines on my thigh... are all mine. I wanted them. I created them. No one else can do that. Just me. They cant take them away. They cant leave. They are there as a reminder that I am in control of some things.

On some level; I really just want to evaporate. On the other.. I'll sit here...
I just needed to talk about it with someone who isn't close to me.. who isnt going to go "Awwww are you okay?" "Talk about it with me" No. I am not fucking okay... and just.. I need to talk.. but not to a friend... not to family.. So someone out there... will you talk to me?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Well here we are again... eh? - October 12th 2013, 06:55 PM

I am so sorry that all of this is happening to you, and how all of it seems to be happening quickly as well. It is really horrible that you had to deal with all of this, especially so soon after coming home.

Remember that even though some of these people did use you or push you to the side, not everyone will. There are people out there that honestly and truly will care about you and won't just want to do that to you. I can tell that you are an amazing person, and you really do deserve some friends.

Do you think you'd be able to join a club or social group around town, or a support group? I know that this may be hard, but there you'd be meeting people with similar interests or similar struggles that you'd be able to connect with and build a bond with. People come and go, but there will be at least a few true friends who would love to meet you then actually want to stay with you.

Maybe you can create some goals for yourself. I know the dream you really wanted can't happen anymore, but that doesn't mean you can't accomplish anything anymore. It can even be a small goal, whether it's getting through the day or learning something new, or something more long-term, whatever you'd like to do. It will give you something to strive for, to keep going for, and then when you accomplish something (and you will accomplish something) you'll be so proud, and then you can set another goal, etc. There's always something to be proud of. Maybe you can write down your accomplishments as well as a reminder that you can achieve things, and encouraging quotes and pictures to remind you that you can do this.

I know that self harm is something that makes you feel in control, but in the end it becomes an addiction that really isn't worth it. Here is a list of alternatives to self harm. These are healthier, safer ways to cope, because even though you feel like you are in control right now, the addiction that comes after really isn't worth it.

It may also be worth it for you to seek help. A professional like a doctor, therapist, or other counselor may seem scary, but in the end they can help you cope in different ways and get you to a better place in life. They may not be able to bring back some of your friends, but then can help you move past it and on to other things.

"Everything will be okay in the end, so if it's not okay, it's not the end." Keep your head held high, stay strong, and keep fighting. The fight will be worth it, even if it does take time.

I'm sorry if this wasn't helpful, I just wanted you to know that I did take the time to read this.


Last edited by Hypothesis.; October 12th 2013 at 06:55 PM. Reason: Spelled my own name wrong.
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Re: Well here we are again... eh? - October 14th 2013, 02:54 AM

Hey there,

It seems like you have been through a whole lot and I am sorry you have had to experience that. I want you to know that while things seem really bad right now they can get better. I know your dreams have gone down hill but the thing about dreams is you can make new ones. I know when you have settled on a certain dream for so long it can be hard to have that dream come crashing down but just because this dream has changed doesn't mean everything is ruined all it means is that you have to take a bit of a detour.

What are some things that you are passionate about? Why don't you try and think on that for a while and try and figure out if you can go out and pursue some of those passions. Once you work on finding something you are passionate about it can really help you work on changing your life around. Those passions can take you places and help you work on finding people who are passionate about some of the same things.

Would you be interested in volunteering? Maybe you could look into opportunities within your community? This would be a great way for you to get involved in your community and to meet people. I know it might be hard to go and be around people but I think it would be a really good idea for you to try and get out and be around people.

Have you ever considered counseling? I think that might be something to look into because you are experiencing a lot of life changes right now and counseling might be able to help you work on adjusting to those changes a bit more. Would you consider looking into the alternatives to self harm? Whenever you are feeling the urge to self harm look at the list and try some of the things listed. It might not seem to work as good as self harm but if you use the alternatives they can work good enough. Here is the link: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...ves-self-harm/

I really hope that this helped in some way and if you need anything please feel free to message me.

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
MichieRay Offline
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Re: Well here we are again... eh? - October 14th 2013, 09:23 AM

Thank you both...
I have other aspirations I am attempting to work towards.. Its all going really slow though.. so it feels like nothing is happening.
I had a couple positive things happen since my relapse.. so Im breathing a bit better now..
Still feeling the urge.. but Im pushing against it..
Again.. thank you so much for your advice and concern.
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