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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Just thought I'd get it all off of my chest - October 15th 2013, 12:50 AM

Hi. Well. I'm 16. I'm a guy. I have more or less no self-esteem due to many complexities in my life that make the simplest of situations difficult. Primarily among those is my teeth. I have overlapping teeth, which are also fairly yellow, and have been like this ever since they first came through. This, while it didn't bother me when I was younger, has crushed my confidence now I'm old enough to understand the social repurcussions. I smile with my hand over my mouth, and feel disgusting if I ever forget to put my hand in front of my face when I do. I also went to an all boys school, with limited social interaction outside of school. Consequently, I have barely spoken to any girls in the last 5 years... Confusing my sexuality. The thing is, I really, really don't want to be gay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic, a close friend of mine is openly gay. In fact, I have pretty much no prejudices. But nevertheless, I don't want to be. I just want to be normal, to fade into the background. It took an extreme effort of will to even type the possibility of me being gay. Like I said, next to no interaction with girls my age in years - I've never had a girlfriend.
I just started sixth form. Same school. Whilst its an all boys school, the sixth form is mixed. A few of my friends are boys, a few are girls. There is one girl I really like. We get on quite well. However, I'm not stupid. She isn't exactly a model, but she is quite good looking. I'm pretty average. My lack of self esteem means I won't go and get a fashionable haircut, because that would mean taking a lot of pride in my appearance, which I won't do because of my mouth. This isn't helped by the fact that I live in Essex - the place famous for people that care more about their looks than their education. Like I said, I'm not stupid. No girl wants to kiss a guy with nasty teeth. It's even more awkward because I'm sure that the person who is probably my closest friend, I am sure likes her too. He is really good looking. They get on really well. Back to what I said about bring confused. This doesn't help things, having a great looking best guy friend. But yeah. They even share sporting interests. He is really fit and healthy, whereas me? I'm not fat, quite the opposite. I have a BMI of EDIETD. Unusually slim. It's running joke that I'm close to allergic to exercise. I'd rather spend all day shut in my house playing computer games with people online that can't judge me by my looks.
We've only been back to schol for a few weeks. I'm already more or less failing one of my A levels.
Then, you see the people that have a reason to be putting up these posts. I saw someone write about being abused as a child. Me? I have a few cosmetic problems. Aww diddums. And then there is the "first world problems" joke. That sums me up. People dying of starvation and I'm upset because a girl likes someone else more than me. It's pathetic, I know.
No one knows I cut. I wear hoodies in the middle of summer or long sleeved tee-shirts to hide the scars on my left arm. It's only been going on for about six months. I cut in random lines so that they look more like a serious accident than self harm scars. Its hard for me to stop. Most people cut for the pain. I'm indifferent to the pain. I do it for the satisfaction of seeing the damage I have done to myself. The worst time my arm was just caked in cuts. They were just a few mm apart, often overlapping, from elbow to wrist. Too many to even count. Unfortunately, a had a really bad day once, and now I'm left with about 10 angry red parallel lines on each thigh. Both my thighs are quite pale, so it's blindingly obvious. It's true, I don't have to worry about that now. But sometime on the future, if I were to meet someone, parallel scars on both legs are a bit suspicious, don't you think?
I've also taken to smoking to calm me down whenever I get stressed. Right now I don't care about the health issues, just the nicotine rush that comes with a cancer stick. You are probably judging my parents for not noticing. It's not hard to hide all of this. Firstly, I'm a pretty good actor, and sadly liar, when it comes to this sort of thing. Secondly, my dad has a job from first thing in the morning to the late evening. My mum is constantly looking after my nan who is very sick, and not getting any better.
Final thing, that just happened today. I was getting a bus home when someone said that either me or my best friend should ask that girl out. I was shocked at their perception. To most people we are just good friends. Anyway, my initial, genuine response was to just laugh. Genuine laughter, at the thought of not only asking her out, but over my friend. He is the only reason really I have friends in the first place. He happens to sit next to me on the first day of schol, and even though I barely said anything he just kept trying until I opened up a bit, so he introduced me to his circle of friends. I owe him basically what little social life I have. Like I said, no one, not even him, knows I cut, nor smoke, nor anything else I posted here.
I would imagine you all think "spoilt little kid that didn't get enough attention from mummy and daddy at the weekend". Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I'm just sick and tired of being "that kid". It's ok to talk to me for five minutes when your real friends are busy, but once they turn up, well, cya later. I'm meant to be that happy-go-lucky kid that you can talk to when you are lonely. The problem is, I don't want this reputation. I'd rather have a few close friends that truly understand me than hundreds of friends that are shallower than a Saharan puddle.

Like I said, what annoys me more than anything is that I have no right be like this. I have had a privileged upbringing. This is ridiculous. Some people actually have reasons to use these forums. I just feel childish.

Thanks for reading. I'm not looking for sympathy, nor attention, I just thought it would be better to let this out of my fingers rather than my forearms.

Last edited by Hypothesis.; October 15th 2013 at 04:47 PM. Reason: Please don't put things related to weight/BMI.
   
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Re: Just thought I'd get it all off of my chest - October 15th 2013, 04:59 PM

Hey there,

The first thing I would like to address is that sure, even though you may not have been abused as a child and you had a relatively good childhood, your problems are just as valid as theirs. If these things are causing you to self harm, they are real to you, and don't let anyone let you think differently. You deserve the care and support just as much as the next person.

And, you don't always have to be that kid who people go to for support. It's really great that people can go to you, but you have every right to say no when it all becomes too much. Maybe you can consider joining clubs and social groups, whether in school or around town, so you can meet friends with common interests as you, who won't leave you once others show up. There are people out there who genuinely would want to be your friend.

I think you should also try seeking support for this. I know it's hard, but try to talk to an adult in your life you trust like a teacher, guidance counselor, doctor, or family member. They can help you solve some of your problems and cope in different ways so you can get to a better place in life.

Also remember that even though some people in your city may be appearance-oriented, that doesn't automatically write you off from this girl. It's worth trying to ask her out and seeing what happens. The worst she can say is no, but you'll never know until you try! You can let her know you're not pressuring her into anything, but you really felt as if she should know how you feel.

As far as your sexuality, you have time to determine that, so it's okay if you aren't sure right now. If you see a girl you like, pursue her, and the same with a guy. That may help you determine it, but you don't have to rush it. Try not to feel to ashamed. You are still an awesome person, and this is just another aspect to you. You deserve someone you love, guy or girl, so don't feel as if you need to suppress it.

Maybe you can write down things that you and your friends like about you, anything you can think of. There has to be at least something, whether it's physically or personality related. These are things to remind you that you have lots more good qualities than you think. Write down or print out encouraging quotes and pictures as a reminder that you CAN do this, and a list of things you accomplish, even something small, as a reminder that you are worth something and there's always something to strive for.

I will also give you this link to a list of alternatives to self harm. These are healthier, safer ways to cope. I'm sure you can even use these in the place of smoking. The thing with it is that you may not be worried about the health risks of self harm or smoking now, but this will probably become a concern later, once you begin to recover. It also takes a lot of effort to keep on that mask and keep hiding. Why not find a better way to cope so you don't have to worry about it? It can be a new way of expressing yourself or just something to do in the moment.

Keep your head held high, stay strong, and keep fighting. The fight is so worth it.

-Dez


   
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Re: Just thought I'd get it all off of my chest - October 15th 2013, 10:22 PM

Hey there, im sorry youre going through all this right now. It sounds very hard for you. And thats what matters, that the pain is real for you. Sure it may not be abuse or things like that but that doesnt matter because we all struggle in life. We all have the right to feel our own pain and for love and support. You are not a fraud for posting on this page, you deserve the support as much the next person.
Also, you are an amazing person. Appearence doesnt matter, character and heart and soul do. Dont let what others think or say about you diminish your light. Empower yourself, for no one can do that for you.
Dez also gave you some really good advice. I completely agree with all of it. You deserve happiness chico, go for it! Stay strong. You can do it.


HAPPINESS is just waiting for me to take it; I truly believe that now.
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Re: Just thought I'd get it all off of my chest - October 16th 2013, 05:33 AM

Hey there,

I am sorry you are feeling so low about yourself but I want you to know that your perception about yourself could be completely different than how others actually see us. When we struggle with low self esteem we struggle to see our true selves and I think that is something you are struggling with. You should try to work on figuring out a way to be more confident towards yourself. I know that this is hard to do but you are here for a purpose and you deserve to love yourself. Try replacing the negative thoughts that you hold about yourself with more positive thoughts and it could prove to be beneficial.

Secondly, just because you may have had a great upbringing doesn't mean that you don't have a right to feel the way you are feeling. Don't ever beat yourself down for your feelings. You are entitled to your feelings so don't take that away from yourself.

Would you feel comfortable reaching out to your best friend about some of the things that you are struggling with? I know that might be hard to do but it seems as though you trust him and maybe if you could open up to him about some of the things you are struggling with it would give you someone to confide in and lean on for support. And, in life, we all deserve to have people to go to for support and advice.

As for this girl, you honestly don't know how she might feel about you. There is a lot more to attraction then looks. There are things like emotional attraction as well. So if two people hit it off emotionally it can lead to a relationship. I realize you might not feel comfortable asking her out but you shouldn't be so harsh on yourself in regards to her liking you because you never truly know until you ask someone. And, just because you feel your looks are not good enough does not mean that she doesn't find you attractive. Right now, I know it seems like everything in life is based on attractiveness but as you get older you will start to see but there really are a lot of different things at play in regards to having a relationship with someone.

I think it would be a really good idea for you to turn to the alternatives to self harm when you feel like harming yourself. I know they might not always seem as though they work but if you use them enough they can work well enough to help you work on overcoming your self harm. Here is the link: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...ves-self-harm/

I think it would be a really good idea for you to talk to your parents or another trusted adult about the things you are struggling with. I know this will be hard to do but you deserve to get help for all the things you are struggling with and your parents could help you work on getting that help. Reaching out and asking for help is the best way to receive this help.

I hope this helped and if you need anything please feel free to message me.


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