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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ral. Offline
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Just a quick vent - November 6th 2013, 12:11 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Today I feel awful, mentally, it's one of the most challenging days I have experienced in a while, I don't know what has brought in on specifically, but I can give a general overview of how I feel.

I feel disgusted with myself, I relapsed badly yesterday night, consequently leaving 35 fresh cuts into my left thigh. I told my girlfriend about it and her face was indescribable, she was so upset by it, it looked like it destroyed her. I cannot help but feel like I've left everyone down by doing this, and it's been on my mind all day.

I'm painfully worried that my relapses are going to cause my girlfriend to spiral into depression again, meaning I don't want to tell her the things I'm going through in case I manage to trigger her unintentionally. I feel like I'm a disappointment to everyone and I really hate myself for this.

I'm also beginning to develop what I believe is an eating disorder. This is causing me to be massively deprived energy-wise, resulting with me sitting at home, alone or with my girlfriend for long durations of time. This consequently making it difficult to find a place to relieve myself of these feelings. I can't even describe how bad my urges are getting. I feel so tempted to grab anything sharp I can see, and drive it into my skin, just to feel alive and forget about everything going on in my life.

Sorry for the rambling, comments are appreciated.

~Jack.
   
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Re: Just a quick vent - November 6th 2013, 12:52 AM

Hey there,

I think that maybe it is worth communicating with your girlfriend about what is going on. Maybe you can tell her how you are worried about triggering her unintentionally. You can let her know that you want to give and get support, and put a plan in place in case one of you gets triggered, whether it's before getting support, during getting support, or afterwards, since both of you should be able to communicate.

You do deserve to talk to someone about it. Your friends and family may be worried, but you deserve to get help and I bet they'd rather know that you are struggling but seeking help, than going through it alone and having the worst happen. I know I mentioned you and your girlfriend getting support in another message, but I'll state it again. Maybe both of you can consider to see a therapist or doctor about this so both of you can get to a better place in life where you won't be triggered as often or won't have to worry about triggering each other.

You're not a disappointment. You're just going through a rough time and this is just something temporary, meaning it WILL get better. A relapse is just a temporary bump, but you can begin to do well again. There will be better, less challenging days, and there is always something to fight for, whether it's your girlfriend, a goal you have, or just doing nice things for yourself. Maybe you can remind yourself of all of the things that are worth carrying on for and all of the things that are worth trying to.

As far as the eating disorder, maybe you can speak to a nutritionist about that, but if you can't or don't want to, remember that you need the nutrition from food in order to have the energy to take on the world, like you mentioned. Having the proper nutrients also keep your body healthy, since eating disorders can set you up for other medical risks. It's better to have a proper diet and exercise plan in place, rather than eat in a disordered fashion. Try and find healthy things to eat, because those will give you the most energy and may not make you feel as bad afterwards.

You can get through this, and there will be brighter days ahead.

-Dez


   
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Re: Just a quick vent - November 6th 2013, 02:13 PM

I appreciate the reply as always, Dez. Thanks for your concern and I'll be sure to try out some of the methods that you've suggested.

Much appreciated,

~Jack.


PM/VM Me if you need any sort of help, I welcome ANYONE who wants to talk.



"In case you didn't know, dead people don't bleed. If you can bleed, see it, feel it, then you know you're alive. It's irrefutable, undeniable proof. Sometimes I just need a little reminder.
   
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