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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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i dont know anymore - November 13th 2013, 09:03 PM

i don't know why i do it. Everyone who knows i self harm is shocked and thinks i'm just doing it for attention or something because apparently 'my life isn't that bad' i know its not that bad, but people telling me this doesn't make it any better. For the past few weeks, months even I've lost my best friend and spent every single day wondering around my school not knowing what to do with myself.But no one cares.

So this girl was my best friend, only since year 7 and im only in year 8 now, but then theirs this other girl, called India and she hasn't been the nicest to me since we were little,shouting at me for random reasons etc and generally trying to make my life as bad as it can be. Now India thought she was lea's (my best friend) best friend as we were all in one group but lea had told me that me and just one other girl were, so we spent all our time talking just me and her, telling each other EVERYTHING... and now shes gone. she was upset with me and india, me and india only had eacoher. i tried to make things work with lea but she wasnt listening, it was understandable. India made harsh comments about her like 'shes such a bi*ch' 'she doesnt deserve friends' 'she just moves from one best friend to another when shes bored, she never actually cared about you' she said to other girls in our form that she never wanted to be friends with lea again... and the next week lea forgave india even though she didnt apologise once, but was still angry with me. i really dont think thats fair as india wasnt thw one going home crying+ selfharming every night... and still today about 6 weeks later im on my own. india COMPLETELY left me to go to lea and im just there.

i sometimes feel like the reason were not that close anymore is that i told her everything. i feel like shes scared of me almost. like she didn't really care and didnt want all my 'stupid' problems on top of hers and i hate that. i love her so much and can barely cope without her, any friends actually. I just want someone other than the only person who is there for me. just one. i cant do this alone. i dont want to do it. theres so so so so so much more i havent written in this post i just don't feel like writing pages... anyway so selfharming, i got through it alone last time so why not this time? i stopped for a few months or so when india (hated her for this) decided to tell a teacher who told my mum.. blaming it on cat scratches just didnt work anymore. but soon i was back on to it doing it worse and worse, deeper and deeper,with razors now instead of compasses. but its not serious anymore self harm, is it? people just do it as jokes girls, with blunt scissors or their nails going around preteding they're selfharming and telling people they are.. there not... why say it? but yeah anyway im going on a bit now and this isnt the half of it.

There is a school counsiller at school, i want to tell her everything but im scared the suicidal stuff will slip out, what should i do? i really cant cope anymore. i want to die so so so badly i dont care about life anymore. and theres no one who'd miss me when im gone. i dont think people realise that coming up to me and saying 'omg why you so upset all the time omg' makes me feel so much worse...m what am i supposed to say to my mum about all the blood on my sleeves? i dont even know anymore, im just pathetic, worthless, ready to die......

so yeah i know this isnt even interesting and it just drags on and on but no one cares so oh well



stay strong everyone, i love youu <3
   
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Re: i dont know anymore - November 14th 2013, 03:05 AM

Hey there,

Even though the people who know that you self harm say you're doing it for attention, don't listen to them. I know that some of the people in my life have said the same thing about me, that I have no reason to self harm because my life isn't that bad, but that doesn't make the reasons you self harm, such as losing your best friend, any less real to YOU. I don't think you're doing it for attention, your reasons are valid just like anyone else's.

You said that sometimes you don't know why you do it. I think that it is important that you identify some of the things that may be triggering you. To do this, you can keep a journal. In it, take special note of the times you want to self harm by writing down the date and time, where you were, what was happening, and how you felt. Later you can even write down how you dealt, such as if you self harmed or not. Then when you're calmer you can look back and notice patterns or events that may be causing you to want to self harm that you can get help on or try and solve.

Is there any way you'd be able to talk to Lea and India about this? You can approach them in person and let them know how you are feeling. You can sort of explain why you are feeling like that, and ask if there is any way you can work things out with them.

But if not, maybe you should start to move on. It takes time, but you can do it! Try and focus on schoolwork and maybe even join clubs or social groups, for instance, to meet more people.

No matter whether self harm is "deep" or whatever you do it with, it doesn't mean that it's a good way to cope. The depth of the self harm or how "serious" it is doesn't mean it's any less of a problem. I think you should try and find other ways to cope. This is a link to a list of alternatives to self harm. They are healthier, safer ways to cope so you won't have to worry about hiding injuries or preventing infection. Also, with self harm, the problems come back because you aren't actually solving them. Try one of these instead. If one doesn't work, don't get discouraged! There are plenty more where that came from. I find ones like writing, art, music, or exercise to really help because you are getting pent up emotions so they're not building up inside. Maybe the same will be good for you?

I think that it would be a good idea to tell the guidance counselor at school. Maybe you can write a letter to her so you get everything out of your system without worrying about what slips out, or you can take notes so you can sort of outline what you want to say to her before and use that outline to know what to say. I do think that it would be a good idea to talk about the suicidal thoughts, though. That's how you can get the best help, by being honest.

I'll also give you this list of hotlines. They are organized by country and cover a wide variety of topics, so if you ever need to talk to someone they can help. Also, if you ever feel like a danger to yourself, please tell someone or go to your local emergency department to get help.

I bet that people will miss you, though. You make a bigger impact on those around you than you think, such as on friends, teachers, family members, those who ask why you're upset, and heck, even the people that you just briefly come in contact with. They'll all be affected by your death, impacted in some way.

As far as what to say about the blood, the cat scratch excuse only goes so far. After too many instances of her seeing blood on your sleeves, she may start to get suspicious and know what's going on anyway, it's probably better just to be truthful about it now. It will save you a whole lot of trouble later.

Remember that even though things are bad now, they won't be bad forever. You have things to do and places to go, people to meet and goals to complete. Those things will be more worth it than you think. Need even more reasons to live? Click this link. Here's a whole list of things to live for, and there's even more than that. Sometimes you have to live for the small things and let those build up, because a big thing is definitely coming your way.

Keep your head held high, stay strong, and keep fighting. The fight is so worth it!

-Dez


   
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