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Name: Hannah
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Unhappy I Don't Know What To Do.... - November 21st 2013, 01:54 AM

I have been depressed for a while now. Just life sucks you know. My mother died when I was six and I never see my dad. He used to live in the motel across from my house a couple of years ago but then he went to jail (nothing new for him) after that he just moved away. not FAR FAR away but I still don't see him. He lived at his moms house for a while. Then he met HER. His current girlfriend that he lives with now and has a baby with. I secretly hope it isn't his. It seems wrong I know but oh well. I don't hate her, I just don't like that they're together. She's NOT my mom. and I never see him, and its her fault. and his i know. Now that they have a baby , I KNOW for a fact I will hardly see him ever. When I was in fifth grade and he lived across the street, he would come over and play video games and board games. We would ride bikes down the dirt road and jump on my trampoline. Its seems all simple and common, but it is like a fairytale compared to now. I saw him more when he was in jail then I do now. I miss my daddy, and my mom. I remember the last time I went to my dads about maybe two months ago he was talking about my moms side of the family and i mean in a bad way. so i was like dont talk about them okay, and some point in our conversation he was like its not my family. That literally tore me to shreads. What the fuck does he means its not his family. It sure was when my mom was alive. T.T So, on with the story. I live with my grandmother , on my moms side. Yeah I love her. but she isn't the best person. I always feel so bad about talking badly about my family but most of them are terrible people. She doesn't care about my feelings at all. Heres an example that shows her whole inner personality right here: We were at the mall in hot topic first and I was showing her all of the stuff I liked since Christmas is getting near. Then we went to wet seal. We had my sister with us and she was buying something so we were standing at the door by the dresses, and i quote her exact words " I wish I had a sweet little grandaughter" me: "what do you mean" her: "one that doesn't act and dress all weird" That just basically ripped me apart at the seams. I tried to hide it though. She is also one of the most judgey people ever, since I'm into all that 'weird emo' stuff. I feel like I can't take it anymore. Last night I wrote her a letter and I told her I had to show it to her later. I stuck it under my laptop to get later so i could give it to her right before I went to bed, so I wouldn't have to deal with the awkwardness of telling her out loud or having her confront me. Im not good in situations like that AT ALL. So the letter said something like : could you maybe please take me to csu tomorrow? Im so depressed all of the time and I just want to be happy. I am always a dissapointment and I mess things up to much. I wish I wasn't alive sometimes, maybe it would be better..... I talked a little more about how I feel like no one cares and Im just never happy ever. and how i wanted help and wanted to go to csu, because i want to be happy again. Well , I guess when I left the room she took the letter and read it. when I got back from going to get another pair of scissors (because we were working on my science fair project) i heard her say Im not taking her to CSU, I said: who? what? and then i felt under my laptop and sure enough it wasn't there. This was her response: Im not putting you in CSU , do you know how bad that looks on your resume. she doesn't care. She doesn't want to give me help. Thats her fucking problem, she only cares about education and stuff. yes i know it is important but i dont think a resume matters compared to the scars on my arm, which she also did not confront me about at all. its like she doesnt car. if I drive my self deeper into depression and kill myself im SURE a resume wont matter. I wanted her to be like " hannah i love you we can get you help" or something. but she didn't say one fucking thing to me about my cutting. not one. she doesnt care. I want help so bad. I want to be happy. This post is kind of all over the place and Im sorry, im just writing down what I am thinking. and i am also sorry that it is so long and for the grammatical errors and punctuation but I got lazy. I will never get help because she wont get me help T.T i just want to be happy...
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Re: I Don't Know What To Do.... - November 21st 2013, 11:49 AM

Hey there,

It seems as if you have a lot on your plate right now!

Okay, as far as your father goes, I know that you barely get to see him, but do you think you can give him a call or write him a letter and talk to him about it? Maybe he doesn't realize what an impact what he is doing is having on you, and you can explain it to him and ask him to at least set aside SOME time with you, even if it's only once a week, just a bit more than you get now. Honesty and communication are key, so maybe you can let him know you understand that he is happy with his girlfriend and the new baby, but you really want him to spend time with his daughter, too.

As far as your mom, I am so sorry to hear about her passing. That is always something that is incredibly tough to deal with. Know that she would not want to see you suffering, though. She would want to see you trying your best and smiling, she really wouldn't want to know that you are sad because of her passing. Maybe you can do something like write a "letter" to her where you get out all your last words to her, anything you'd want to say to her. What you do after is up to you, whether you keep it, tear it up, burn it (safely) or even put it outside and let the wind take it. It just may help to get everything out to her.

I'm also very sorry that your grandmother didn't react the way she should have. I know my mom did something similar, only it was that she refused to take me a psychiatrist. Remember that just because your grandmother wouldn't listen to you, doesn't mean that you can't get help. For example, if you have a physical coming up, you can speak with your doctor. Or, if your school has a teacher, school nurse, school psychologist, or guidance counselor you trust, you can talk to one of them as well. They can possibly talk to your grandmother and make her understand. But, you can also explain to one of them that you already told your grandmother you want to be put into CSU, but she didn't listen to you and you really need support. I bet one of them would be more than willing to at least try to help you!

I'd also try and get out and do some things with your life, such as clubs and social groups. It can help you to get out of the house for a while and away from your normal routine, doing something fun.

It may also help to find ways to express your emotions so they aren't all pent up inside. Writing, art, and music are all ways to get out your emotions in better ways. Exercise is also a good way to release inner stress. Or, just take care of yourself! Take a warm bath or shower then curl up with a good book or movie, for instance.

Remember that self harm is not going to help you. Instead, it may make the problems worse because now you have to worry about infection, and hiding it, and the problems are coming back because you aren't actually solving anything. Instead, maybe use a healthier, safer way to cope. This is a link to alternatives to self harm, which are healthier and safer ways to cope. If one doesn't work, don't get discouraged, because one will!

This is a list of reasons to live. Sometimes you have to let the small things build, because the big things are coming your way. This won't be bad forever. You have things to do and places to go, people to meet and goals to complete, don't give that up now. Something WILL change for you, and this WILL get better, but you have to keep fighting.

You can do this!


   
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