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Dilema Offline
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Post I dont know what to do - February 10th 2014, 03:26 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

(should I put a tw on this? I guess I will just in case)
Im not in a really great spot right now. Lately things have just been really hard, I guess. Ive stopped going to counseling but I hated it so it never really helped anything. Things have kinda just been getting worse and worse regarding my mental health. Every day is a struggle, and I find myself daydreaming about ways to end my life. Im more depressed, and Ive been selfharming more, almost daily. And lately, no ones been there to stop me, and Ive been doing worse than i ever pictured myself doing. Even just today, and I went past where I usually do and didnt stop. I dont think theyre very deep but I'm still really worried abut scars, especially for the ones on my stomach and lower-legs. But its constantly on my mind, that urge for pain and my mind telling me that I deserve it, I deserve to be sad, I brought this upon myself and I should harm myself more. Even now, I still want to, my razor's staring at me from my desk and I dont know if I can say no. My whole life seems like its more and more stress and pressure. Im supposed to do great at everything and pass my classes and get high grades and i dont and im a giant failure. Im a failure of a daughter and student and a friend and a girlfriend, I dont deserve to be happy.

Lately, Ive also had trouble with food. Ive always had trouble with my self image but it's gotten to the point where sometimes I dont eat for days. And then other times I will eat anything I can get my hands on and then throw it up because I feel so awful. I have dropped (is this triggering? If so I apologize I can remove the number) roughly EDITEDlbs since the start of school but I can see no difference. I hate myself just as much or even more than I did before. I just want to be small and thin but it seems like an unobtainable goal and I hate myself for it. And I know purging is awful for my health but Ive gotten to the point where I dont even care anymore. If I eat too much it's the only thing I can do. I hate the way I look and the way that I am and how I act but I feel like if I was thinner things would be better. I know they would.

idk. I really dont want to go to therapy again and I know if I told my parents they would just send me to a mental hospital like theyve threatened to. I feel like a burden on my friends when i talk to them, because theyre all under so much stress already. sometimes it seems like there's nowhere to turn.

Sorry if you had to read this.

Last edited by Spoons; February 10th 2014 at 04:56 AM. Reason: Please don't include weight numbers. :)
   
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Re: I dont know what to do - February 10th 2014, 03:44 AM

Hey there! Firstly, don't be sorry for posting. We all just want to try and help you.

Sometimes, therapy doesn't work for people. Some people have a combination of medication and therapy, other's stick to one or the other. Do you like your counselor? Do you feel as if you can work with him or her? Finding the right counselor to work with is key to working towards recovery.

You don't deserve to feel like this under any circumstances! And, by posting this thread, you've shown that you do want to help yourself. It is hard, but you can do it. It just takes one step at a time! Distractions are great ways to get through urges. Here's an alternatives list for you to take a look at. There are a lot of great alternatives on here, and I encourage you to try some and see what fits for your specific needs.

As for the scars, there are ways to fade them if you'd like. Things like lemon juice, bio oil, and body scrubs help to fade scars and slowly let the skin cells begin to move again. I'm also going to suggest to have a look at the first aid thread.

You're not a burden! Parents just become frightened when they don't know how to help their own child and have to watch their child go through this kind of thing. An idea would be to sit them down and tell them how you're really feeling. You could gather or print off information so they can become a little more knowledgeable on the subject.

Please refrain from posting weight related numbers in the future. For reference, you can look at the Terms of Service. It may be hard to see now, but you're beautiful. I'm sure you're a great person with some amazing qualities on the inside, and that is what matters. Maybe you could put positive quotes on your mirror, or look at yourself and say something aloud that you like about yourself.


Best of luck to you!


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