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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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SilentBunny Offline
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Question My rant (kind of long) - April 1st 2014, 08:32 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Here let me explain all that went down these past weeks. Let me start of by saying this, i like self harming, no i love it, I have no regrets after doing it, and immediately want more. See, I use to cut myself, but that got boring, and more recently I have moved onto burning myself and [EDITED] in an attempt to break my wrist.

Two weeks ago started off with me getting my phone back on Friday, yay...it got repaired. And this week it slowly broke again...so I'm sending it off again. I just hate my phone, and want a new one, but my dam cell carrier wont do that. I have to pay off the remaining $420 on this one before I can get a new one...not cool.

I got the privilege of seeing my ex girlfriend 2 weeks ago on Friday, lucky me! Right?...right. (/sarcasm) and I got to see her and her family at youth. Was funny, everytime I go she and the rest of them avoid me because theyre childish twats. Oh, speaking of youth and seeing people..haha, this is the best part! See, theres these...lovely people who hate me and a few consider me dead, with another wanting to beat me up. See, Kristin brought her siblings to youth and well...they don't like me. Her brother, Ryan, is the one who wants me dead, Her sister, Kaitlyn, just hates me and thinks i ruined her sister and made her messed up and just ugh...I cant deal with this. Her friend, Daani, is "done with my shit, and i should grow up and stop blowing everything out of proportion." Yeah...thats enough about the youth people I think.

Now lets explore my family a bit, see...there's 9 of us living together right now...fun. See there's me, my 2 sisters, my sister in law, and my brother. And my 2 nephews and parents. It's not fun living here at all. My one sister, lets call her R, has a child, Bentley, and well she neglects him and yells at him and just is a fucking bitch to him and its awful. So naturally I go and save him, by playing with him or just talking to him, or feeding him a snack. And when I do so I get yelled at by her and shes well...personally i think she has some undiagnosed mental illness (no offense meant to anyone here.) She spent the better part of the past few days yelling at our parents and when they yelled back, she said "I'm not yelling, you guys are, stop yelling, I'm doing nothing wrong here you guys are psycho, this whole family is crazy." So yeah.
My other sister shes nice and i cant bear seeing her in her condition. Every 10 days she goes for chemotherapy of sorts, she has PNH, a rare disease that kills within 10 years...its been 2 years. But thankfully shes not letting it control her, so thats good.
My brother and his wife I enjoy, they're the only ones I trust in this house of horrors. And, they separated for a day and a half while she was away on vacation, and my family loved it. Now that they're back together everyone hates it. I don't though. And now they have decided to leave the house for a few days and my family drilled me for info...after 3 days of them asking I told them what I found out. I just said, oh they aren't moved out, they just need to get away for a few days. My family thinks I was hiding it as a secret from them, and now are aaainst me.
Also side note my brother does tattoos, and I got all of mine for free (31 and counting) and my other family members are mad and let me know this daily, so that sucks to hear, but then they turn around and act like they enjoy his work, and it just makes me sick.

My friends all left me because of my SH and depression. And yes I go to a doctor, but he is not helpful at all, as I said in another thread, he thinks because I smile i don't have depression, and if I get a job I will stop self harming and its just so dumb. Also he said it would take a year for him to get me into a physc-ward (which i doubt is true), I'm sure i could get in faster if i just go down to my hospital and explain things.
Thats all i'm going to post though because I feel nobody cares enough about me.

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Last edited by .:Bibliophile:.; April 3rd 2014 at 02:30 AM. Reason: Please don't post methods of self harm.
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Re: My rant (kind of long) - April 1st 2014, 09:15 PM

Hey Jacob,

The reason why you probably enjoy self-harming is because it releases endorphins in your brain to make you feel temporary relief. I know how you feel as I have been there times before. Since you live in a crowded environment, is there any way that you can move your tools elsewhere? This way, you would have to walk in front of everyone else to get to them and you might get distracted along the way. I'd like to mention, however, that recovery can only happen if you want it, you know? You can't do it for other people, this is something that has to be done for yourself. Once you are in the state where you no longer enjoy causing harm to yourself, stages of recovery will get a little easier. Because burns are easily infected, I am going to encourage you to take a look at the first aid information.

I bet living in a house with that amount of people is stressful on you. Taking some time out daily for yourself should help you a little bit. Maybe you could take a half hour each day and do something (healthy) that makes you happy! Taking a walk with your iPod is a good example. I remember a few times you were rewarding yourself with tattoos for not self-harming, and that worked out for you! If you enjoy tattoos, then go for it. It's your body and if you want tattoos and you are happy with them than that is what matters.

You sound like a good uncle! Do you know what's causing your sister to act like this? Maybe you could try seeking help for her or talk to your doctor about her and ask for some advice as for what to do. Seeing your other sister go through this must be hard; just remember to spend time with her! Since you trust your brother and his wife, have you ever considered talking or venting to them?

If your friends have left you because of this, they are not your true friends. Have you considered joining group therapy or other support groups to make some friends? Are you honest with your doctor? If you're not honest with him, you won't be able to receive the right help and that may be part of the issue. I know that a lot of mental hospitals have a shortage of space for people and that is why it would take you a while to get admitted. If you are in immediate danger, though, don't hesitate to go to the hospital.

Jacob, there are people out there who do care. I can promise you that. I care, other people here on TH care; and people in your life care about you. Keep holding on.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My rant (kind of long) - April 3rd 2014, 01:32 AM

I have one thing to say....I CARE.

Waiting is a sign of true love and patience,anyone can say "I love you" But not everyone can wait and prove it's true.

Some say it's painful to wait for someone,Some say it's painful to forget someone,But the worst pain comes when you don't know whether to wait or forget.
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Re: My rant (kind of long) - April 3rd 2014, 02:05 AM

Hey there,

If you don't like your doctor or don't find him helpful I suggest that you look into finding a new one. I know that I have gone through a few doctors before I found doctors that have worked for me. It can be trying to look into other options in regards to your doctors but when you find a doctor that does work it can be really beneficial.

If you find living in your household stressful try taking some time to get out. Maybe you can take 30 minutes and go for a walk or something like that. I know that might not seem like the greatest advice but exercise can be really beneficial and getting out of your house could help lessen the stress as well.

Do you have people that you are able to talk to about the things that are triggering your self harm? If you open up and talk about your feelings it could prove to be beneficial. Finding support within your life is something that all people deserve.

I really hope that this helped in some way and if you need anything please feel free to message me.

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