This is my first post here. I'm sorry if it's so abrupt.
I have been hurting myself for seven years, and it has been a secret from everyone, until now. A few months ago, my parents found out, they're cool with it. I'm finally free at home to wear what I want. A few friends know, and that's what I regret.
I go to a catholic school and we celebrate mass once a month on friday. I honestly thought that I could trust those people that I have called my friends. In one part of mass, we need to hold hands. Unfortunatly, we are not allowed to wear jackets at mass, which leaves my arms vulnurable to unwelcoming eyes. Usually someone sits on both sides of me so know one can see but them. This time they didn't. I freaked. i was told that I needed to chill out and get over it, because I made this decision on my own and now I have to live with it.
I understood from the very beginning that I would have to bear with the scars for the rest of my life. But, being around those I don't know, or care to know, I feel naked and exposed. I don't want to be told that I need to "chill."
Anyways, after mass, the two that were obviously pissed at me, ignored me. Which baffels me a lot. One tries to be so "dark" and talks about blood, pain and suffering. While the other is so god damned self righteous and hypocritcal. I couldn't help but cry. I said things about feeling naked and feeling as if i had made a mistake in telling. I told them how I regret it, how I wish i could take it back, and how i couldn't.
The "dark" girl began to snicker and roll her eyes at me. I snapped. I screamed, yelled and sweared. She got mad and now she wants to prolly rip my guts out. I yelled at her. "stop taking crap about me, stop rolling your eyes. you think i like this?" and after, I just don't remember. Crying and shaking, i suddenly felt as if I have just given up.
Those people. They only want to know facts just because it's something to talk about. Theyll never make the attempt to understand.
It's wrong of me to have yelled, but I somehow feel as if it was justified.
help--i don't know if i want to just end it all here, or if it's just another fleeting feeling that will pass.
Re: Upon Deaf Ears -- help -
May 4th 2009, 05:45 AM
Hey Duet, welcome to TH. This isnt abrupt at all, we're all very supportive and we're here to talk whenever you need us
I'm glad to hear your parents know about the SHing and that they're okay with it, so you're free around the house (my parents would freeeak). If I were in your situation, I would definitely feel freaked out and exposed too, so I can see where you're coming from there.
I'm really sorry to hear about that girl who was giving you trouble. Maybe screaming at her wasnt the best way to go but we all lose control sometimes and this IS a delicate situation. There will always be people who dont understand SH, who will never understand where YOU are coming from, etc. Dont let people like her get to you, they're just ignorant and nasty, not worth your time.
I'm glad you posted here instead of hurting yourself or doing anything drastic. You can get through this, I promise. You can always PM me, whenever you want
Yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers
But everything that lives is born to die
And so I say to you that nothing really matters
And all you do is stand and cry.
Re: Upon Deaf Ears -- help -
May 4th 2009, 12:59 PM
I'm sorry that your 'friends' reacted in a way which you weren't comfortable with.
The truth is, some people just can not understand the concept of self-harm or why people do it. They don't understand that sometimes you're out of control and that it's a coping mechanism, people are often not educated enough on the topic. Also, the fact that these people are your friends means that they'll be taken aback that you've resorted to self harm. If someone we care about is hurting themselves, it is usually a big shock and people don't know how to react.
It seems that perhaps your friends were angry because they never knew that you were harming yourself until now. I know it may hurt you now that they're acting this way but maybe they just need a cool-down period. If I found out that one of my friends had been self-harming, i'd be 1. Shocked. 2. Feel guilty that I hadn't helped them. If you put yourself into their position, how would you feel about it? Maybe thinking about this will help you understand how they're feeling a little better.
Self-harm and the feelings related to it means that it's a very emotive subject so it's not that suprising that you've come out of this situation feeling emotional. I'm sorry that your friends were not supportive. Perhaps once you've all calmed down a little, you could perhaps approach them with the subject in a more suitable environment.
It's okay that you don't know what to think either, i'd be confused too. If you talk about this, then perhaps you'll start to understand your emotions better. Posting here was a good start, so you should be proud of that.
I'm quite confused as to why your parents are 'cool' with you self-harming.
I'd suggest that you talk to someone who you feel will try to understand. You could talk to your parents about what happened but if they're quite relaxed about it, i'd suggest that you talk to someone else about it who is more willing to help, such as a counsellor or doctor.
Also, I think this is probably better suited in Self Harm (?) so i'll move it there for now. If you disagree, feel free to PM me and i'll move it back.