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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Offline
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I think I'm losing it - February 17th 2015, 04:58 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, the title is pretty self-explanatory. I think I might be losing my shit.

February is always a hard month for me. I've had a lot of bad stuff in my life happen in February, so even though I don't usually recognize it I always get a little depressed around this time of year. On top of it, my boyfriend is gone. He travels for work and is sometimes gone for months at a time. It's always hard for me when he is gone. The last time he was gone I had a full-blown SH relapse that ended with me in the hospital and kicked out of my house. So this time when he left on his trip I resolved I would handle myself better. But I feel like my life is falling apart.

My best friend and I "broke up" in late January. He was being an asshole about some stuff and I don't have time for that in my life. Still, it's been hard not having him there. My parents were fighting for a bit, and that was hard. I started dating someone new (my boyfriend and I are polyamorous) and it went horribly wrong very quickly, so now it's this weird situation where I don't know if I can trust the guy, but I still like him. I feel like I made a terrible mistake and it hit me really hard. I feel weirdly distant from my girlfriend. Basically my whole support system is crashing down around me, and my boyfriend is in another country.

And then Valentine's Day came. Now I think Valentine's Day is a stupid Hallmark holiday with no real value whatsoever, but for some reason I woke up that day feeling incredibly depressed. I missed my ex, whom I broke up with last June. He was part of the reason I relapsed in the fall, all the regrets I had, and still have, about him just piled up. Anyway, it's my first Valentine's Day without him and it was devastating. The new guy and I were supposed to chill, but he bailed. My girlfriend was with her other girlfriend, my boyfriend as I said is gone, and literally EVERY single person I know well enough to hang with had plans. So I was feeling awful all day.

I thought I could handle it, I really did. But my boyfriend and I were texting and he said something that just hit me the wrong way, and I freaking flipped. I started screaming. My voice is still gone two days later. I started punching walls to the point I bruised my hand. I flung a glass across the room and smashed it. I was nearly suicidal.

I finally took some of my anxiety meds and managed to calm down. The next day I saw my girlfriend. It was touch and go for a while, but I cheered up. And now two days later, minus a bruised hand and a lost voice, I feel fine.

Except I'm scared. I have not had such a display...well, ever. I feel frightened that I could have that much of a meltdown and then be okay two days later. It makes me think there's things swimming under the surface, just waiting for the chance to reach the surface. And when they do, I don't know what it will look like.

My girlfriend wants to know what's wrong, but I can't bring myself to tell her. And I can't tell my boyfriend because I want him to think I can keep my life together while he's gone. But I just feel like I keep making mistakes, and as they mount higher and higher I won't be able to hold myself together.

Please help. I'm so close to SH again, I can feel it. I almost cut myself with some of that glass I broke, but I stopped myself just in time and threw it away. But it was so close, and I still think I have to count intentionally punching walls as SH. I can't go down this path again, I just can't, but I'm losing it.

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In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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luckiicloverxx Offline
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Re: I think I'm losing it - February 17th 2015, 07:54 AM

Hey there Jordan,

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this and that your support system isn't really there for you when you need it.

I can't really do much about your boyfriend being away, but as for your meltdown: I personally don't find it scary that you can have a meltdown and feel fine two days later. If anything, I find it great. This way, you know that you do have the ability to handle everything. You can remain calm and go through life feeling fine.

I do think you need to be honest to your boyfriend and girlfriend though. If you're making them part of your support system, they do need to know everything that's going on in order to be good support. And they worry, you know? Even sometimes when you think they don't notice, they usually do. But they're afraid of saying the wrong thing or making you talk about something you don't want to talk about, so they say and do nothing. Communication is key, Jordan. Be honest and open, and you'll feel a lot better.

As for the self harm: since you're living alone in your house at the moment, I would recommend calling a self harm hotline when you're feeling serious urges. These hotlines can be found in your yellow pages or in the resources section of TeenHelp.

I hope this helped and feel free to PM me if you ever need anything!

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Re: I think I'm losing it - February 18th 2015, 05:14 AM

I can see why you feel like you're losing it, but you're showing a lot of self-control. You got really close to cutting but you stopped yourself in time. That alone tells me that you have a lot of self control and I can tell that you're incredibly strong too. Whether or not you count punching the wall as self-harm is up to you. My take on it is that it is self-harm if you intentionally did it to hurt yourself but not if you did it out of anger and had no intent to harm yourself in that moment.

While that meltdown wasn't the best way of getting your feelings out, you managed to express them. If you're angry and feel like screaming, by all means, scream as loud as you can. It seems like you might find physical things helpful. Maybe you can consider purchasing a punching bag for your house or doing some sort of exercise when you're upset. I personally have found anything physical to be helpful. This is hard to explain but sometimes the alternatives that are used as a last resort can be the most beneficial. Maybe that's loudly singing an angry song or even stomping your feet.

You can try to take deep breaths and count to ten when you're upset so you can clear your head. You can play the fifteen minute game too and continue to add fifteen more minutes on.

It's understandable to be scared about being completely fine shortly afterwards, but that could just mean that you got everything out of your system. I agree with Kyra in that you should be honest with your girlfriend and your boyfriend even though he's away. Things will only build up if you keep them inside and talking about it can prevent another meltdown. You can blog, too.

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