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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
CrimsonLines Offline
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Unhappy I'm in hell with pills and razors by my side. - July 24th 2015, 08:11 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

YYup I'm done. I have been clean from cutting for 4 months but I ruined everything by cutting this month. This month has been hell. I am sad, depressed, hopeless, angry, anxious, suicidal, and alot more feelings that I can't even begin to explain. I'm am in a downward spiral towards Hell. I'm in complete darkness. I am drowning. And the worst thing is that nobody cares. I'm sitting here with a bottle of pills and a box full of razors. I'm standing on the edge. Leaning farther and farther towards death. It feels like this is the only way to make all these voices and demons shut the hell up.

We can never attain perfection while we have an affection for any imperfection.
- Saint Francis de Sales
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Re: I'm in hell with pills and razors by my side. - July 24th 2015, 09:11 PM

Taking pills and hurting yourself is only going to make things harder. Either you won't be here any more and you'll no longer have the chance of being happy and who knows what happens after death plus the people who do care about you (because people do! even me) will be in so much pain and be sad to see you gone and will be so upset that it will be unbearable. You will touch loves you will never imagine. But if you get through this moment, this really hard month, and keep fighting through it, you will have the chance to be happy again and to live a life that you want. You can take life with two hands and take the opportunities and live it to the full. You can be the person you want to be and do all the things you have ever wanted to do.

Now I know that seems a lot easier me saying it that you doing it. So I'll try and help you do it. But I want you to know that the fight is worth it, that you are worth it and that I would honestly give a damn and care if something happened to you now. I would be upset and sad to hear if you passed away. No one deserves to go through what you are going through and I am so sorry that this is what you are going through. I know how hard it can be. Some days I'm still in a place where you are now and in the past I've been sat with those pills and razors and I have done it. But now I see a bit of light. There is light there for you too. You can get through this and you aren't alone.

Do you know what is making you feel this way? I don't know what it is or if there is something, but if there is, and you want to talk about it, know that I'm here to listen. We all are. You can reply back to this and I will reply back or you can always PM me if you need to talk. But I'll listen to what's going on for you right now. I won't judge you or what you have been through. But I will support you and try to help you through it the best I can.

Do you have anyone to talk to at home? Here is a list of people you can turn to for help: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-d...o-can-help-me/. I know reaching out can be a scary thing but people care and they can and want to help you get through this so be honest with them and let them in. Friends, family, teachers, counselors, doctors, the poilice if you need them! Anyone to help keep you safe. Even take yourself up to A&E/the ER for some support and somewhere to stay for a while until the worst is over. You say this is the worst month but you've gotten through it so far so you can keep on going but with people's support. You aren't alone in this so don't suffer in silence.

Here is a list of reasons to live: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-d...-reasons-live/. Now, this is very general so you can even make your own list and use idea's from here but you can focus on this one for now if that's easier for you and you don't have to make your own list all at once. You can do it over time. But having reasons to live can really help us focus on why we should keep fighting and fight to get better. Right now I am focusing on going to University in September and every time I want to give up, no matter how scared I am about it, I keep fighting for it because I want to make a difference to lives and that's what I am going to do. It gives me a purpose. Find things to live for. Make goals and don't be afraid to aim high and put things in place. Like tonight, have a bath and watch a film. They can be small things too just to help you get through the days right now. And then long term things on top as well.

Do you try using alternatives to self harm? Here's our list: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...ves-self-harm/. I know it can get tiring of using them and sometimes it feels like none work but as long as you're doing them, then you're staying busy and therefore not doing anything and staying safe and thats important. But some will work its just finding ones that help you, you know? Again you can make your own list and again it can be done over time but keep doing things in the moment to keep yourself busy as well as talking to people. Things like getting your thoughts and emotions out too like writing, dance, sport can be really helpful. I know I find writing about things incredibly useful. But it's also important to do things like self soothing and maybe some mindfulness. If you're not to sure about these you can look them up online. Try finding a body scan to do online. If you feel tense or agitated it can really help you.

I know this is all really hard but you are not alone, okay? And you can get through it. There is a better life out there but you just have to work hard and fight to get to it. Its going to take time but you will get there and remember I am here for you any time. I come on here daily so you can contact me when ever. Just stay safe and focus on things. Keep busy and keep your head high. You can do this. I believe in you, you just need to have hope and believe in yourself.

I hope this helps a little. Stay strong and take good care of yourself.

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Kindred Offline
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Re: Going, going, soon I'm going to be gone - July 24th 2015, 10:10 PM


I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel, or your situation, or anything like that. I don't know how to make you feel better, either, but I figured a few words to let you know you weren't alone, and that I'm sitting here, miles away, thinking of you and just wanting to let you know that I do care. Sure, I don't know you and you can just brush this off, don't read it, don't care, whatever. I don't mind.

I just wanted to let you know you weren't alone. Because you've touched so many lives that you'll never even know about. People who don't even know your last name would miss you, people you'd never even imagine. You'd be surprised how many people do care about you- it's just they're too shy to speak up or don't show it in the way you're looking for. Everyone here cares. Everyone here would be saddened if you left. And there's a hell of a lot of people here from a hell of a lot of different places. Let us help you. Reach out, write how you feel down, like you've done here. I know that sometimes no one can give you what you need, or what you want to hear. But sometimes, even just knowing you're not alone can really be of some help. It can feel like a really thick mist, like something is physically holding you down or back. And that's the part that makes this so difficult. This isn't your fault and the world is a cruel place sometimes. But people do care, you just need to find them. Write here all you want, I promise you you'll never be met with a wall. You'll always be met with a caring ear.

Do you want to die, or do you want everything that's hurting you right now to go away? It always seems like bad times last forever; nights when you want to crawl into a ball seemingly never end. But they do. And it's very rare, statistically speaking only, that you'll feel like this forever. Depression is an illness and it's an illness that can be overcome. Not easily and sometimes not without extra help. But it is possible to overcome. And maybe you don't even feel like that's what you want right now. But just give it some time. If you really want to die, and this is your last resort, give it a while. This is rock bottom right? Meds, therapy, support- none of that can make you feel worse. There's no harm in trying, and just giving it a go. It might actually help <3

Take as long as you need.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Going, going, soon I'm going to be gone - July 24th 2015, 10:50 PM

Hey, Melanie.

You're obviously going through a dark, tough time so I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. Would you like to talk more about how you're feeling, and if any particular things caused you to feel how you're feeling now? I don't know your situation but I imagine you must have been through a lot to feel the way you do right now. You're more than welcome to vent because we're here for you and we're more than happy to listen. You don't have to keep leaning towards death because you can lean on us.

You have been clean from cutting for 4 months, that in itself is absolutely amazing and that's proof of how strong you are. In those 4 months, I'm willing to bet you were faced with tough days and nights, and/or urges but you never gave in. Just because you relapsed now doesn't mean you "ruined everything". You haven't ruined anything because every urge, every bad day or night you resisted contributed to your recovery. Recovery is a process and relapses do happen because relapses are a part of recovery. Which is why it's incredibly important to be aware of that and to do your best not to be so hard on yourself. Look at those 4 months as an accomplishment instead because it truly was, and it's something you should be really proud of yourself for. Don't give up on this, Melanie. You can do this and I know it's hard so we're here for you with support, okay? How about making goals and taking small steps at a time? Like looking at it as going 1 week self-harm free, then try for 2 weeks and so on. Before you know it, you'll be back at 4 months and going further stronger than ever. Embrace all the coping skills you've learned and continue looking for new ones.

Is there anyone in your life you can reach out to? I definitely want to encourage you to reach out to someone. Anyone. Whether it be a parent, sibling, family member, friend or trusted adult etc. You don't deserve to have to face this alone, and support could do a world of good. On the note of reaching out, how do you feel about therapy if you aren't already seeing a therapist? Therapy could be really beneficial in helping you through your struggles to live a happier and healthier life.

At this point, try focusing on the simple, small happy moments in life. Anything. On a sunny and breezy day, open all the windows and embrace the fresh air and sunlight shining through. Embrace the small moments and let yourself really feel them. Life is worth living, and the happy times no matter how small make it worth living. God loves you, Melanie. He knows you're strong enough to continue holding on and come out of this a stronger and more compassionate person.

Look at the razors and the pills. What will they do for you? They'll hurt a wonderful person named Melanie and take away her chances of living through this to get to the happier parts of life that she deserves to experience. It isn't the only way to stop all of the sorrow, because pain is temporary and time is a healer. I can't say I understand how you feel, and I'm definitely not going to say it's easy because I know that much. But I want to encourage you to keep holding on because you're 22 and you have so much ahead of you. I can assure you that people do care for you, Melanie. I don't know you, but I'm responding here because I care. I don't want anything to happen to you because you're a human being, a person with a soul who matters a lot more than she believes. With a future and more potential than she realizes.

Not sure if my post helped any, but I really hope it did and that it didn't upset you. I hope it didn't come across as belittling your struggles or anything because from reading your post, I know you're having a really hard time. I just want to remind you that the pain isn't all there is to life, you know? There's so much good in life too, that makes the bad worth it. Message me if you need someone to talk to. You can do this, Melanie, never stop holding on to hope and life.
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Re: I'm in hell with pills and razors by my side. - July 25th 2015, 11:50 PM

Hi, Melanie: I'm sorry you relapsed in regard to your self-harm, but four months is something to be proud of and it sounds as if you have already gone a little while since last self-harming, so you have proven that you have the strength to fight this.

The way you are feeling is terrible, but I believe there is something inside of you that wishes to move forward. Please take care.
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