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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Ok I'm going insane over this - August 10th 2015, 08:04 AM

Ok I was over a month clean a while ago and then I relapsed and it went for about a week with me not being clean for even one day. Now I'm almost 4 days clean though. The thing is I want to stop forever but I don't want to lose this part of me. I don't know why I don't want to stop but I don't. Its the one thing I can control that has been there for ages and I want to stop but not at the same time. I know its bad and everything that's on the reasons why I should stop list but its basically become a part of me. And considering I can't deal with change, this comes under the 'change' list. Meaning I can't deal with stopping. Ugh this is annoying. I don't really need more reasons to stop or reasons to keep going, I just need ways to be able to deal with it not being there and having it as a part of who I am. This is weird. Oh well.


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Re: Ok I'm going insane over this - August 10th 2015, 07:26 PM

I understand it is very hard to stop self harming. Also though remember replapse is apart of recovery sometimes. It is normal to feel like you can't stop or that if you do you will feel powerless but just remember that you can do this. It may take sometime but remember you can do it.

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Re: Ok I'm going insane over this - August 11th 2015, 04:33 AM

I was just talking about this with my therapist a few weeks ago. Recovery is possible but it is really scary. Feeling this way for so long has become your comfort zone and leaving your comfort zone is frightening. Someone I used to know had an eating disorder and she was hospitalized because she started having problems with her heart. Those heart problems scared her, and so she started eating properly so she could be healthy. This was a really long time ago. And, although she is recovered and has worked through her issues, she struggles with eating on a daily basis.

I don't know if this will bring you any comfort, but you will battle self-harm urges even when you're recovered. Those unhealthy coping mechanisms will always be in the back of your mind; you're not losing them. It will always be part of who you are, you just won't be tied down to it anymore.

And even though this is all scary, you'll learn as you go and things won't seem as frightening. Recovery isn't only uphill. It's all over the place, so try and hold on to that if you can. You'll have good days and bad days.

One of the reasons why I like volunteering here so much (and why I want to become a therapist) is because I can stay in mental health (my comfort) but I can help people while I'm working on myself. Something I've learned lately is to try and focus on getting through the day, the afternoon, or the hour if I have to. Try to focus on the present more than the future and that might help.

And, like Jake said, relapse is part of recovery. It doesn't mean that any of your progress is gone. You went a month self-harm free and that can't be taken away from you. You've shown that you can go a while without harming yourself, and I know you can do it again.

I'm here if you need anything. <3


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Re: Ok I'm going insane over this - August 12th 2015, 03:51 AM

Yes I totally understand where you're coming from. I used to be a self-harmed as well. I just want to encourage you and I hope that you will find something else that will become a part of who you are. What I did to stop was find alternatives and I wrote a promise on a peice of paper with my name signed and sent a picture to my best friend so she has it too. And I NEVER break promises.

That's pretty much it. I hope this helped you at all. I wish you luck and keep fighting this fight that seems unchangeable. Never give up!!!
   
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Re: Ok I'm going insane over this - August 13th 2015, 03:43 AM

Hey there,

I struggled with this for ages and that's why recovering from self harm was so scary. However, one day I cut really bad and needed stitches and staples and it scared me. I realized that I could live the rest of my life going in and out of the urgent care/emergency room or I could face recovery head on. I chose recovery and I have been self harm free for a little over two years. The thing is I still struggle with the urges and I always will. Self harm is addictive and like any addiction the feelings and thoughts and desires are going to be there. But, it can get better. The urges I have aren't as strong as they once were.

I think that change can be scary. Recovery is scary but it is so much better. Something that might help for you is to say goodbye to your self harm. I know that sounds really silly but self harm becomes like a friend and so like any 'friendship' that comes to an end it can help to say goodbye and get closure. I kind of did this with my self harm and it helped a lot. My good bye was me throwing my blades out. I actually did that a few months after I stopped self harming but I knew it was the right thing to do. I went through a process and part of that process was getting rid of the tools I used to self harm. It might have been one of the hardest things I did but I was so thankful to not have that temptation any more. Saying goodbye looks different for everyone though. But, once you figure out what you can do you might be able to work towards recovery.

I hope that this helped in some way and if you ever want to chat feel free to message me.


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