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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Im making it impossible for myself to recover whats wrong with me - January 26th 2017, 12:49 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I email a local-ish hotline organization and sometimes go to their chat during opened hours. They also have a phone number that I call if I'm in crisis. I'm making it impossible to recover because I tell them I cut myself tonight, knowing it is a lie but the idea is to guilt myself about lying so now I actually have to do it. And usually this led me to actually doing it because I feel disgusted with myself about lying. I'm really particular about lying, cheating, stealing, wasting food/resources, that when I was younger I would have urges to steal and then beat myself up for having that thought. Sometimes I would see a penny on the floor and I would have an urge to pick it up but then I would internally yell at myself because what if it belonged to someone and what if someone else really need it and so on.

At parties or social events I would get anxious about taking food, partially because of my disordered eating but also I would worry extensively about how if I eat it and don't save for my sisters at home how bad I am. But if I do save it I might take too much or if I bring it home they might not like it or like last time they won't appreciate it. But if I don't I would feel bad because I could have and often would and so on and so forth

I'm basically terrified of being/becoming immoral, bad, selfish, insensitive etc and it gets to the point where I can't let go of minor sneaky things I do because then I fear "it is happening" so if I took the last snack in the fridge I would guilt myself tremendously before either eating it, putting it back, taking half and leaving half though possibly coming back 5 minutes later and eating the other half and feeling guilty regardless.

There's more but right now the lying thing is getting to me. I don't know why I trapped myself like that.
   
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Re: Im making it impossible for myself to recover whats wrong with me - January 26th 2017, 01:40 AM

Hey,

Slow down a bit. You sound like you are overwhelming yourself considerably. Just because you told somebody that you committed an act of self-harm does not mean that you have to actually do it. Sometimes, acknowleding the fact that we want to do it in the first place is a tremendous step. Perhaps doing that was your minds way of getting somebody to take your thoughts seriously. You really don't have to do it. I know that you may feel guilty for it, but won't you feel even more guilty for actually committing the act? Just because you have these thoughts, it doesn't mean that you are becoming a bad or immoral person. If anything, these thoughts and fears further prove just how intact your morals and values are. You're not trapped. That is just a mindset. A mindset that you can break and alter. I know that you can. Start with making it through tonight without cutting. If that seems to tough, try to push through the minutes and hours without doing it. Find something productive to distract yourself from your own thoughts. Read a book. Watch television or a movie. Gossip with a friend. You can do this dear. I am here if you need somebody to talk to. Feel free to PM me.


*I bleed for you that's why I cut those simple scars are just deep thoughts.
*Take it from someone who's fallen... it's a long way down.
*Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.
   
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Re: Im making it impossible for myself to recover whats wrong with me - January 26th 2017, 02:35 PM

Something I have learned, and am still learning that may also help you is that people who are considered bad don't have that fear of being bad. For example, an abusive person often does not consider how others will feel; they don't worry about anyone but themselves. I can see from what you've written that you do care about other people. Having that fear, as uncomfortable as it is, can be considered a good thing. It means you're aware of yourself and your actions. Having that fear in itself means that you are not a bad person and through talking to you I don't think that you ever will be.

Would it help if you got into contact with the hotline again and told them the truth? You could tell them that you lied about self-harming as a way to make yourself do it. If you struggle with lying, you can use that to your advantage in your progress. For instance, you could tell the hotline that you will try as best as you can not to harm yourself; and then you will try because you don't like to lie.

I am here for you.


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Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
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Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
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Re: Im making it impossible for myself to recover whats wrong with me - January 29th 2017, 06:36 AM

I cut regularly, but I don't think it counts. Self-harm is for people who have struggled bravely with a long history of mental disorders and are warriors against their own minds. I'm not that person. I get straight A's and I'm a white girl in a happy family. I don't think I have depression and I've never been abused. I'm just angry and tired. I don't think the cutting counts because I can't justify my pain.
I'm so embarrassed that I've to stoop to confessing my sins on a online forum. I'm sorry.
   
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Re: Im making it impossible for myself to recover whats wrong with me - January 29th 2017, 10:52 AM

Thank you Jason and Cassasdo. I ended up cutting a tiny bit and I've been having urges to do more since then but trying to push it off.


@BlueSorceress14. Welcome to Teenhelp. I am sorry you're going through this. Self Harm can affect anyone of any background. It isn't about your racial background, how much money you have or if you have a long history of mental disorders. The fact is that you're struggling right now and have been cutting yourself. Perhaps you can make a thread about how you're feeling or use one of TeenHelps other resources.
   
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