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Aintzane411 Offline
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idek why i'm posting - February 19th 2017, 08:50 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i dont want advice on how to stop. been there done that. this is just another relapse that i need to let play out.

ive been dealing with this shit for seven years. seven fucking years. im a fucking adult and im still cutting myself what the fuck

i guess i just need to rant and vent and have some form of acknowledgement that im not screaming into the void. all my friends are leaving for the week for a competition festival that i wasnt nominated nor invited to. and like im proud of everyone for making it in but ive already been feeling so alone and now everyone is going to be gone. classes were cancelled because of this competition too so i only forsee myself leaving the house once on thursday for one class, unless it gets cancelled too.

i havent been taking my meds and i dont know why really. it started off with me just forgetting to take them (which happens pretty frequently) but now i just... dont take htem. lucas asked me the other day if i wanted to take them and i dont really have an answer for that. i feel like im so far gone already that i dont want to do anything to stop this trainwreck. i just want to fuck myself up as much as possible while i still can.

i dont even know what else to write. i already cut today and i want to do it again because it wasnt nearly as satisfying as its been in the past. idk why but i cant seem to get it right this time. i want to tell someone irl just to have someone to talk to, but i know that anyone i tell will be worried and give me that Look, you know the one, and use the Voice that means they think im fragile or something

why is it bad anyway? my cuts arent deep at all, and sometimes dont even bleed, so why is this a bad thing? it makes me feel better, it keeps me somewhat functionable.

fuck i just. i dont know. i wanna cut again
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cynefin Offline

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Re: idek why i'm posting - February 19th 2017, 10:00 PM

Plenty of people still harm themselves even when they're adults. I know a lot of people think cutting is something you just "grow out of" but it isn't that simple and no one here will look at you differently because you're an adult struggling with self-harm.

Self-harm is a coping skill but it is an unhealthy one regardless of how deep your cuts are. Every time you cut yourself, you put yourself at risk of infection. You are physically harming yourself and feeling the need to do that is not a positive thing. It is bad because, ideally, it would be healthier to cope in ways that to not involve harming yourself.

It makes you feel better because of the endorphins that are released in the process and those endorphins are what can make self-harm incredibly addictive over time; it can get to a point where it isn't just an urge, but an actual physical dependence on it.

I hope you start taking your medication again when you feel ready to do so. I know sometimes words can't bring a lot of comfort but know that you are not screaming into the void. I can hear you. And if there is anything I can do, let me know.

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del677 Offline
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Re: idek why i'm posting - February 21st 2017, 08:03 AM

Sounds like maybe the medication you were taking wasn't helping? Or had an undesirable side effect?

Maybe you could ask your doctor if he/she would try a different medication.

I know when I found the right medication I like it because it works and side effects are mild, so I definitely want to keep taking that.

Have you been trying the med for more than two weeks? They can take a while to start working, though personally I can tell within a few days if something has potential.

And thank you for writing. Yes it does feel good doesn't it? I'm sorry you are not feeling well.

I hope you can see your doctor soon.
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