Just a rant thing I suppose -
April 21st 2017, 04:40 PM
I haven't cut in a few weeks. I lost count but I don't have any new cuts.
I am currently staying with my sister. I intentionally "forgot" to bring the blades but that was basically me trying really hard not to bring any. So i successfully didn't bring any. But the urges are still here.
Because I'm staying with my sister, she has seen my old cuts as I changed into pj's and whatnot. She has called me out on it like and it was always a kind of social rejection like "I don't like you anymore" kind of thing. (Not those exact words but if I specified I might give my identity away because we have nicknames we call each other and she told me I'm not that endearing nickname anynore)
We also talked about skin picking. Well we talked about OCD and how it runs in our family and j brought up that skin picking is said to be a kind of OCD. She wasn't really listenung. She just kept saying the best way to stop is to tie the person's hands up and use "physical treatmrmts" such as bandaids, tape, rope etc
She then said my face is looking better. And "you're not doing if anymore right?"
The thing is, I'm not doing if as much as I used to but I still do a little and I still WANT to do it. I just don't find a couple pimples satisfying and I want to get more scabs so I can pick at them. I don't want to let it go bug I don't want my sister to reject me.
We have had sime tensions in which she constantly criticized me and it all came to a boiling point on Wednesday might in which I walked out of her apartment and walked in a city I don't know well at all and cried at a random park and stuff. She ended up saying she is "allowed" to yell at me becsuse she cares, she wants me to improve and do better and she wants me to be more conscious of myself and because she's an insider unlike others who are not from immediate family (she was upset when she heard that my grandmother humiliated me in front of a table full of people)
So all this is stressful and normally I would cut or at least skin pick. I love her and in general we get on well but thrn she starts criticizing me over and over again and i try to keep going but by like at some point I end up crying and storming off. I only stormed off once in 7 days but I know there were times I felt like crying but I just held it in.
Sometimes she is really warm and telling me she loves spending time with me etc and that I'm really cooperative and we are making the most of a stressful situation (we are hiding the fact that I'm sleeping over from her 2 flatmates and I can't do things like take a shower or use the bathroom at night or in the early morning and I already have bad stomach problems so it has been physically painful to hold it in) I take a shower at the gym so that's fine and we had a lot of great moments this week. But at one point my dad and sister are talking kn the phone saying I'm an "angel" and Amother time my sister is talking kn the phone with my other sister about how I'm "confused" "distrscting" "awkward" etc and those things really hurt. But when they called me an angel that hurt too becsuse I was scared of jinx it-that level of being liked I guess becsuse I know if would be a bigger drop and hurt more once I'm criticized again. As opposed to if I'm given a neutral label and then told I'm these negative labels, that would hurt less. I don't know, positive compliments always made me uncomforfable. Even if j really was cooperative or ehatever. I feel like pointing it out and acknowledging it is scsry and that like it us more likely to become untrue if it is acknoeledged. And that ties into the belief that I'm really worthless and nothing good about me eill last so in the end I'm worthless...I don't have a sense of self but I've fone so much work and j still feel worthless and no sense of self.
But u don't know what to do. I suppose though I will depart Sunday night so the trip was cut short and maybe that's good? But my home life isnt great. And...I just feel stuck in neverending distress. I don't want to be stuck but I don't feel okay about feeling okay.
Re: Just a rant thing I suppose -
April 22nd 2017, 08:00 AM
First congratulations for not cutting for a few weeks. That must be hard.
If this were a drug addiction I'd say congratulations for not using for a few weeks, and hope that you can continue to not use, knowing the longer you don't use drugs the more recovered you become.
If only it was that simple. "Just stop doing it and you'll be better." Unfortunately that's like saying, "Just don't have cancer and you'll be better."
Is it possible your sister doesn't really understand severe depression, and how cutting is just a symptom, and how the severe depression needs to be treated by a doctor? It sounds like she might be more helpful if she knew how to properly respond and support you during this rough time, if she was more knowledgeable about the problem.
Well I can't cite her for not magically knowing this stuff. It's not taught, and we're not born with the knowledge and understanding.
There is some similarity between cutting and addiction. There's a strong desire to do something which the person has decided they don't want to do. The rational part of the brain says, "Don't Do It," the emotional side of the brain says, "I Don't Care, We Need To Do This," and if stressed enough the emotional brain says, "It's A Matter Of Life and Death, this rational brain is a liability, I'm going to shut it down so I can get what I want."
Interesting that positive comments make you uncomfortable. I guess that makes sense, if the positive comment means they might also have made a negative comment. (I used to be uncomfortable getting an "A" in a class for a similar reason.)
Yes stress is definitely what triggers people who have a problem with addiction, and it also triggers people like myself with mental issues. That's why I've worked on doing everything I can to reduce stress. So I go to groups that help me feel connected with other people, I go to meditation groups, I've done yoga (I should do more than I actually do), I've dabbled in Qi-Gong and Tai-Chi. And I take medication, which once we found the one that works for me it does wonders (though very slowly. Initially took a long time for me to fully recover.)
Yea finding a relative or friend who knows how to be real and authentic, and accepting, and encouraging, and not controlling, and understanding; and finding a doctor who understands the underlying chemistry and knows what medications might help and can work with the patient to try various medications until finding the combination that actually helps. (Then all the other "problems" just cease being problems. It's like it slowly dawns on me those problems really aren't problems, or I'm just not so emotionally upset by them anymore.)
Re: Just a rant thing I suppose -
April 22nd 2017, 01:16 PM
People with memtal health issues including addiction can go through recovery eith a doctor but that isn't a "need". It is one option that can be taken with or without one or more
If I see another psychiatrist I might just shut down and instantly become suicidal just by seeing their face and being in their office. Why? Because I'm so pissed at the way they do their work. They made my recovery process 20x worse and have hurt me in my most vulnerable moments.
And yet I'm gonna see a psychiatrist sometime in the coming months to get tested fof AD(H)D, as referred by my primary care doctor. And I'm dreading it because they can be so damn ignorant, arrogant, insensitive pricks. Thry can be manipulative and they have the power when you're the patient at their mercy. So no, I don't believe in the medical model and that mental illness is about needing a doctor to throw some sanity into my brain. I can do it without their "help"
But yes I see a therapist but I haven't for the last 2 weeks or so.
I appreciate your help, but I don't agree with anything you said regarding chemistry and all that. My brain is perfectly fine. What isn't fine are those psychisyrists and therapists who hurt me. What isnt fine is my mother's mother, who us my grandmother but theres nothing grand about her, who treats me like im a piece of trash. I am angry and this isnt out of nowhere. So thanks for listening...I guess.
Also I don't think reducing stress as much as possible is the only thing here. It is funny because my therapist says the same thing about medication, how it will make things not bother me as much or for as long. It isn't about reducing negativity, it is also about increasing positivity. Because if bad things happen but I don't see thrm as bad, and thrn good things happen and I also just feel dull about that too. I will be numb and empty.
So my point is that the brain doesn't selectively shut down emotions. It either shuts down good abd bad or it doesn't shut down. And my emotions are not something I'm giving up.
Re: Just a rant thing I suppose -
April 22nd 2017, 02:44 PM
I am glad to hear you didn't take the blades with you but it must be difficult to still have those urges. Same with the skin picking. Even if you don't do it as often, the urges are still there, and they're strong and it can be really hard to cope with that.
Even if your sister was saying those things from a caring perspective, that doesn't give her the authority to yell at you and talk to you like that. I can't imagine what it is like to hear positive things and then be told you're something negative later on, and I can see why positive things are uncomfortable sometimes. It's almost like it would be easier if the person would just stick to one or another: positive or negative. Would you feel comfortable approaching your sister and suggesting different ways she can support you that would make you more comfortable?
You said you leave Sunday. In the meantime, is there anything that will help you feel better, like a coping skill? Sometimes you can make situational ones. For instance, you can wrap yourself in a blanket or a jacket to feel more secure, or you can take a walk when you feel upset. If you feel up to it, maybe you can keep coming on here and posting to this thread or trying to blog when you can so you can get things out of your head.
I know I didn't say too much here but I am listening and I think of you often. Let me know if you want to talk about anything. My inbox is open.
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Re: Just a rant thing I suppose -
April 23rd 2017, 01:47 AM
Thank you Cassado. Since Wednesday night when I stormed off, we had some good moments but still she just kept pointing out that I'm awkward, that I have awkward syntax when I communicate verbally, that I mumble, that I ask stupid questions and so on. I just started getting really afraid to do anything, state my opinion or snything. But then j got criticized for being too quiet, too indecisive, and not assertive enough about what I want (for smaller things like do i want lunch now or in half an hour and my answer is I'm okay with either and she gets frustrated that I'm not stating clearly what I want. Or am I okay with a frozen cookie and I say yes even though she knows I hate frozen food and would want it heated. But the thing is, j really don't mind waiting till it dethaws. I just don't want to be a hassle. But I make things worse by being what was initially perceived as "cooperative" is now something she is upset at me for and calling it "indecisive"
She called my dad and told him I don't want to go to the concert tonight. I dont. I just want to be alone and cry so I got what I wanted but now I feel so alone.
My father told me j have to be flexible, take "beatings" because that's part of being social. That my sister isn't putting my life in danger, isn't faking advantage of me and isn't abusing me. And that when she said I was a troublemaker to my dad, she was clearly joking.
I know the troublemaker part was a joke but 99% of what she said wasn't a joke. Literally, she didn't mean I'm a troublemaker but it was her way of complaining by making it an dxaggeration. I fall somewhere between highly annoying and troublemaker but she chose the exaggerated word to subtle describe her feelings. It wasn't a joke.
I made her a card and she was criticiting it. I was looking up volunteer opportunities and told her that there was a program to cuddle with drug addicted babirs at the hospital and that I wanted to do that, she told me it was stupid. Those were not jokes.
I don't know. I just imagine traveling 22 hours tomorrow night only to feel horrible when I arrive home. It truly is neverending....
I will write in my blog, I just capped at 10 draft entries and so I have to empty it.