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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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I miss it - April 24th 2017, 04:54 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This will probably sound really stupid.

I've been clean from cutting since February 9th, so it's not my longest clean streak yet. Although I can't speak for the future, I am planning on never doing it again. I mean, isn't that always the goal?

However, with the mindset that I am never going to cut myself again, I find myself kind of missing it... I don't miss the pain and the constant trying to hide it from people and the fear and the shame and all the trouble its caused me. I hardly even miss the release it gave me, because I've found ways to get peace and release from other things.
But honestly, I miss it because I have no scars from it.

I used to cut just with shaving razors, still left in the plastic shaver thing. And when ever I cut, I kinda felt like a little wimp, because I would never let it go deep. Obviously it would be hard to cut deep with a shaver anyway, but I just felt kind of like a "poser" self-harmer, even though I obviously wasn't faking anything. I wasn't even doing it for attention. I hated when people saw, it made me feel so stupid. It started rumors about me and people who know nothing constantly trying to give me lectures.
I did it simply for the chemical release of endorphins because it was the easiest and quickest way I knew how to get rid of the pain. Even if I didn't feel any pain, and I was numb, it helped me escape from being numb, even if it was to feel something bad, like pain.
Kind of ironic, right? I would cut to escape the pain sometimes, and other times I would cut to feel the pain.

But yeah, there's little to no scarring. I mean, there are lines on my forearms, but I know that only I can see them, because only I know exactly where they were.
God, I feel horrible for even saying this, just because I know there are people who would give anything to get rid of their scars, and here I am wishing I had them? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just feel like since there's nothing there, it's almost saying I've been through nothing. Like my self harm didn't "matter", in a way? Kind of like my struggles with self harm were "less than" someone who has scars, just because I was too much of a wimp to cut deeper. Which is probably true in a sense. But still, I know I've gone through so many things that seemed worth cutting over, and that's got to count for something. And I cannot stress enough how fucking ungrateful this makes me feel. I know I should be so, so thankful for the fact that there is no scarring. And I am, believe me.
I guess I just wish I had something to show for it. It's just kind of bittersweet to have overcome so much... not just the fact that I finally stopped after years of self harm, but also overcoming the things that caused me to self harm. I feel like scars would show what I've been through, like battle wounds.
I'm not trying to romanticize scarring by any means. Just... I don't know. Does this make sense or do I just sound ridiculously crazy?

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Re: I miss it - April 24th 2017, 02:08 PM

It doesn't sound stupid, or crazy. I have heard of other people struggling after they haven't self-harmed for a while because they don't want their scars to fade.

It makes sense to feel that your self-harm was "less than" somebody else's but that is untrue. The depth of an injury doesn't show how much someone is hurting inside and what matters is that you felt bad enough to harm yourself. It's hard, but comparing yourself to other people and their own struggles won't get you a fair comparison because everyone is different.

Scars fade over time, though they sometimes fade as far as they're going to. Even if they are faded, they still exist, and they still show what you have fought through. They still show how strong you are. You are just as strong without scarring as you would be with it.

You said you have the mindset that you're never going to do it again and you think that mindset may be making you miss it. Do you think it would help to reword your mindset? For instance, instead of saying you will never do it again, you can say that you will do what you can to work through what you're experiencing before you use self-harm as a release. It might take a little bit of pressure off of you, if you're feeling pressured.

I am glad you have found other ways to get that chemical release you got from self-harm and I hope you continue to use those alternatives and find new ones.

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