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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Ghostofagirl Offline
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A little lost, a little sore, and a lot of depresssion. - April 25th 2017, 01:41 AM

Hi. I'm new here.
Honestly, I'm here for the people that understand. The slight ranting.
I'd tell my friends, but I don't have any.

It's kind of a crazy story.

I'm homeschooled, have been through middle school. Always the straight A Honor Roll girl. School has always been easy for me. I am doing an internship type situation where I work off my free knowledge (I am aspiring to be an Olympian, blah blah blah, typical teenager hopefulness). I love it, I love working hard, I love learning and seeing my dreams become realities. The only issue with that is for the time I spend with them, they are strangers. I have nobody. I just moved. I hardly have a relationship with my parents. They think they do, I'm hiding myself too well. I have no friends, no old friends, no openings to make new friends.

I'm a dark person already, always have been. I was never a kid, always way too mature and over judgmental to other people my age. I started cutting. It was a single cut at first. I thought I was the coolest thing. Maybe I'd have more attention and friends if I pretended to be depressed. I had proof, ya know? My one cut turned into a couple more. I used a nice razor blade, never hurt enough to bother me. It didn't work. I didn't get the attention. I got sad. Angry, even.

Over time, those feelings turned empty. My strongness was my ability to pretend, my weakness was the blood that I stared to crave. The difference between physical pain and emotional pain, I love it. I'm sick. I feel the empty, I cut, and it takes the stress away. The anxiety and emptiness go away. I'm alive, I can feel. Is this what it's like to have someone that has your back? A friend?
I never hide it. I've never worn long sleeves to hide it. I'm around a lot of people, a lot. It blows me away how obvlious people can be. How afraid of the subject they can be.. People that are supposed to care. My parents, my mentors, even the silly little random people in my life. No body says anything. No body sees them. I'm thankful, but at the same time I'm just screaming internally, begging for someone to notice, to care. I've thought about ending it all, but I know I'm too scared of death to ever do it.

Just random gibberish from the independent, defenseive, loner. Sorry for being dramatic. I'm really a good person when I pretend.
   
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cynefin Offline
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Re: A little lost, a little sore, and a lot of depresssion. - April 26th 2017, 02:19 PM

You said you feel alive from self-harming and that is probably due to the chemicals that are released into your brain. When someone self-harms, endorphins, or "feel good" chemicals are released into your brain and they give you a temporary high. If you are interested, there are other ways to release endorphins such as through exercise, listening to music, or eating a little bit of chocolate.

Whether or not you hide self-harm is a personal decision, though I do think it may help to consider the fact that people aren't saying anything doesn't mean that they don't care. They probably do care, but they most likely don't know what to say to help you. That feeling of wanting someone to notice, to help you, can be intense but relying on someone to notice may not help you in the way you're looking for.

You said you'd tell your friends but you don't have any. Would you consider telling your parents? You mentioned you don't have much of a relationship with them, but if you want to work on that relationship, confiding in them could be a good start.


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