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Let me bleed - May 13th 2017, 12:04 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I was getting attacked in PHP today when it wasn't even any of her business. Anyways she called me a fucking fat ass bitch,and how she would hurt me and all this shit. She got up out of her chair first, then i got in her face and told her if she didn't stop attacking me I would fucking punch her in the face. She got knocked down by the facilitator. Anyways the director talked to me and I told the truth then he talked to the others involved and I got kicked out because they are fucking manipulative bitches and have everyone against me.

I want to cut and cut myself until my whole fucking thigh is bloody. I just want to cut so deep to the point where I can bleed out. I just want to accidentally die and have people say it was an accident when in reality I just don't give a fuck anymore. I just can't deal with life without slicing myself open.

I kind of just want to die. But then I don't. I just don't know anymore.


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Last edited by cynefin; May 14th 2017 at 01:11 PM. Reason: Adding prefix.
   
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Re: Let me bleed - May 13th 2017, 12:54 PM

Hey, Essa. I am sorry this happened to you. This shouldn't be a reason for you to relapse and begin self harming again. If these people are making you out to be the bad guy, then maybe it isn't the right program for you? Could you find another one to go to for support? Don't let one person or event cause a set-back, I know you are stronger than that even if you don't think you are. You've come so far and made such progress. There's no need to give up.

Feel free to reach out on the forums if you have to. If you prefer privacy and some anonymity, then take advantage of HelpLINK and LiveHelp, which I'm sure you already know you can do. If you ever need to rant or just talk, I am here.
   
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Re: Let me bleed - May 14th 2017, 01:17 PM

It must have been really hard to experience that in a place that is supposed to be safe. Though this definitely doesn't excuse their behavior, they are probably struggling themselves which could be why they treated you that way. You said you got kicked out; maybe a positive to that could be not having to be around the people who didn't treat you well.

You wrote this a little while ago, so I hope you've been hanging in there. It is easier said than done, but try to remember that the things those people said likely have to do with a problem within themselves and not you.


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Re: Let me bleed - May 15th 2017, 03:26 PM

I can't imagine how upsetting this must have been for you. You had so much courage reaching out, trying to get help, going to a PHP. Not everyone does that. You were trying for recovery, you were putting in the work. And then for there to be an incident with another patient there that's something that staff cannot really control. But they could have responded better, holding those accountable while acknowledging the hurt each of you were having. And I am sorry that things happened the way it did. You probably feel betrayed and hurt. You put trust into the program to finish there a little more healed than when you came in and instead you had to leave early and you're full of all these feelings that is hard to make sense of.

I would be upset too, I would be angry.

As hard this situation is and as much as you're feeling alone and demonized, I do hope you know people on TH care about you. We hear you and we value you as a person. And I do hope you stay safe.
   
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