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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ghoulish Offline
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Unhappy I dont know... - June 14th 2017, 06:13 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been self harm free for nearly a year. I'm so proud of myself but lately I've been getting the urge to cut again.

There are many reasons why I want to cut again but it's mainly down to the shit thats happened to me and my environment at home.

My dad abused me for almost an entire year from when I was 14 to 15. When I told my mum about it, she didn't believe me, neither did my twin. Until come the age of 16 I suffered a mental breakdown and began cutting. After that my mother believed me. She gave me the choice to kick him out. Stupidly, I said no. I thought of my family and how we were all financially dependent on him. Also my siblings are a little out of control and the only who can keep them in check is my father. For those reasons I allowed him to stay.

However after that came the verbal and physical abuse. Whenever my father would get angry with me (sometimes with no reason at all) we would argue then he would remind me that Im still his daughter and he can do whatever the hell he wants and I can't do nothing about it.

He would beat me sometimes with stuff like a metal ladle or any other kind of hard objects, he would slap me or hit my head. Sometimes my mum defended me but other times she wouldn't. He would do it to my younger siblings sometimes but usually I got the worst of it.

Our entire household kind of got used to this kind of abuse that we think its ok when it really isn't.

Anyway fast forward to 17. I cut myself really badly with glass. There was a lot of blood. And i didn't take care of my cut. I went to school and the cut started bleeding again so I had no choice but to go to the school nurse to clean my wound and bandage my arm. The nurse had suspected it was self harm and asked me so many questions. I started crying and told her that I had cut myself. For weeks I has regular appointments with her and each time I wouldn't tell her what the real issue was. I was afraid of what would happen to my mother, my family...

I regret that now because my parents- my mother- didn't give a shit about me. When they found out about the appointments with my nurse, the first thing they told me was to tell her I cut myself because of school stress. They didn't care about my self harm. They cared about saving their own arse. My mum even ripped the bandage from my arm as if that would make them cuts disappear.

Anyway eventually this escalated to CAMHS. (children and adolescents mental health services) They told me to lie again.

And I did.

And now. I'm 19. I dont get sexually abused by I still get verbally, physically and mentally abused. My dad still beats me and just a few days ago he hit me so hard that I still have the bruises to prove it. I suffer flashbacks every day sometimes its so bad that I start breathing hard, become lightheaded and it feels like im going through the sexual abuse all over again.

Im about to go to uni in september but sadly I can't get an accommodation to escape from this Hell. I think you can figure out the reason why. So thats more years of dealing with abuse for me.

Ive tried distractions like reading, listening to music etc for years now... they still won't go away. I feel like cutting might be the only source of escape for me now.

I wish I could have gone back to the moment when my mum asked me if I wanted him kicked out or not. I would have said yes had I known there wouldn't be a change at all.

Im just so sick of this. Sick of feeling miserable, helpless and angry all the time.

Last edited by Ghoulish; June 14th 2017 at 10:58 PM.
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Re: I dont know... - June 14th 2017, 11:26 PM

Hi there,

I'm so sad to have read what you've been through. While I can't imagine having been through that, I have self harmed, and I know what the cycle is like. Stopping once doesn't make the urges go away, and sometimes it can be easy to slip back into old habits and take it up all over again. It is an escape. A bad one, but it's an escape nonetheless, and that makes it a million times harder to stop because it becomes a sort of addiction. It's the first thing your mind thinks about when things go wrong, even though it never truly makes a situation better. I get that. And I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling like hurting yourself all over again.

Is there a way you can bring the conversation back up with your mum? I know you say the family seem to have got used to the abuse, but that doesn't mean that they're ok with it. If there's a time you can speak to your mum about how you've been feeling, she may realise that there's still a way out of this. Maybe mention the offer to kick him out in the past and discuss with her what options there are now. You're 19, which is old enough to have some say in issue like this, especially if it's affecting you this badly, so be mature about it and perhaps together you can come up with something that benefits you all.

I would encourage you to speak to people outside of that if you can though. It seems you've had bad experiences with this in the past and I'm not sure why people, especially professionals, would encourage you to lie, but please don't give up because of a few bad experiences. At university there will be on site counsellors who will be able to refer you to people properly, but don't feel like you have to wait until then. Depending on where in the world you live, there are hotlines you can call if things get bad, and if you need to get out of the house, you can always call a friend and ask to spend a bit of time at their house. If you have access to a counsellor at all, I'd encourage you to talk to them too. They can help you get through the urges to SH by offering you ways to cope, and talking about things can be really helpful too. They may also be more specialised in certain situations, so may be able to offer you more advice on how to deal with your situation. In september, I'd recommend going to the onsite counselling sessions anyway if you can. My uni had a drop in time, but they also had appointments after that and referred people to local services for situations such as abuse as well as therapy. It can help to know someone is on your side, and universities are so good at letting you know you're not alone.

In terms of dealing with the urges, I really encourage you to remember how strong you've been to get to this stage. I know it hasn't been easy, but SH is never the answer and I'm sure you know this anyway. Someone else is hurting you and that is NEVER ok, but does it make sense to then hurt yourself too? If you want to get rid of this abusive person, you should also want to stop yourself abusing you. You deserve so much better than to be hurt by anyone, whether it is another person or yourself, and I know it seems like an escape and everything may seem helpless and dark, but hurting yourself will only add another problem into the mix. All that does is make another issue for you to deal with. The urges are enough, don't add cuts and the like into it. It's not worth it. You're worth more than that.

If you're struggling with the urges, think about what it is you've done that has worked in the past. What techniques have you used to avoid giving into the urges for the last year? You've done such a great job staying free from SH for that long and you SHOULD be proud of yourself so its great that you are! Let this push you forward. Let this motivate you to keep being kind to your own skin and self. Throw yourself into something better than that. Draw something or write something, or go for a run if you like to get some air sometimes. Read a book, play an instrument, learn a new skill (I hear knitting can be really therapeutic!). Whatever it is, make sure it's healthy. Don't hurt yourself because it's an escape. There are healthier escapes everywhere, like losing yourself in a book or creating a whole new world in a book of your own. They are worthy of your time but hurting yourself will never make anything better. It will never make you feel better. In the long run, and the short, it only ever makes things worse.

I know it's tough. I can't pretend I know everything because I don't, but I know that you're fighting and that makes me happy. You have been doing this. You've come so far and I know things are so far from perfect for you but you can still get through this. Reach out to people and don't be put off by some people who are making this harder than it needs to be. You deserve to be heard and listened to, and you deserve to feel safe and loved, by those around you and yourself. Keep fighting, ok? We're here if you need us.

❤ Nana ❤

As far as we can discern,
the sole purpose of human existence
is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
- Carl Jung

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Re: I dont know... - June 15th 2017, 08:11 PM

I am so sorry. This truly breaks my heart. This is a pure form of child abuse. Please call 911 or a child abuse hotline. Don't resort to cutting. Please PM me so we can talk, this is just so upsetting. I feel like it would be good if you went to live with a friend for a little while, or maybe a close family member? Anything to get away from your dad. Also, talk to your mom about kicking him out, or maybe just move out? He is not doing parenting right at all, and he doesn't really deserve the title of father. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this, I can only imagine the pain. Please PM me if you need to talk, I will always be there for you. <hugs>
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Re: I dont know... - June 18th 2017, 05:12 PM

I've tried bringing up the conversation with my mum but she shuts that conversation down every time. She says stuff like, "I thought we were over this already" or that I need to stop bringing it up because my dad and her had "already moved on from this."

Also, no I don't really get a say in an issue like this. Whenever I try to give my input in serious issues or any sort of conversation, I'm always reminded that as long as I live in the house, my parents are the only ones that can have an opinion and make the decisions even if those decisions are ones that affect my life.

When I had my meetings with school nurse and CAMHS psychologist, my mother told me to lie to them about my reasons for cutting. She told me to tell them that I cut because of school stress not because of the affects of the sexual abuse I suffered due to my father. I specifically remember her telling me "Do you want our family to split up?"

I dont have any friends that I could talk to. Mainly because my father always micro manages my life. If I do have a friend and I happen to be hanging out with them, he will call me and ask me who they are, what their name is, their ethnicity, age, gender, where they live, how they're dressed. Then he will remind me not to speak of my family and what goes on at home even when I tell him I can't tell him that info because that person is right next to me.

I really wish I could talk to someone like a counsellor or someone just so I can finally resolve this issue and move on with my life. I feel like ever since that incident when I was 14, my life just suddenly got put on pause. As long as my dad is around, I will never get over it. I will never feel free from this. I will never stop getting flashbacks every single day.

I don't really have any techniques I just tried to keep myself occupied by watching youtube videos or reading and stuff but now it just feels so bothersome to do simple things like that. Like its not really worth my time? Does that make sense?

Anyway once i go to Uni I'll have a look at the kind of services they have available like a counsellor but I'm worried that if I tell them about what happened to me and how its still affecting my life every day, they'll get other services like the police involved. No matter how much I kind of hate my mum for thinking of my father and the effect it will have on him and my younger siblings over my health, I still love her and I don't want to burden her with this.
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